OK then it is YOU who need to enforce the boundaries. You are not responsible for any kids besides the ones you personally gave birth to. Do not let anyone guilt you into thinking any different.

You will (now or eventually) have to put your foot down. Even then, most guys still don't realize. Some posters on this site have left and stayed at a hotel while the skids visit.

I think men feel like women are so hard-wired to be caregivers that they don't care if it is their own child or not.

You may want to help your BF out by helping out with his kid(s) but eventually, it won't be good enough and you will end up resentful. I'd advise you not to go down that path and enforce your boundaries early on!

Time to shred the toxic X and purge her from your lives and as much as possible... purge her from the SKid's life.

Though we never withheld visitation, neither did we allow the back and forth thing. There was a CO with a clear visitation schedule and that was all they got. PERIOD DOT!  It was crystal clear to them and to SS that his mom had custody and he would not live with them until he aged out from under the CO when turning 18.

The only time we ever granted a request for extended visitation was during the last Summer visitation.  SS asked if he could stay an extra 10days and be with the SpermClan for his 18th B-day.  We said yes. We did fear that he would inform us after his birthday that he was staying.  So, to make that conversation be face to face rather than over the phone my DW took a road trip with her brother from our home to SpermLand so SS would have to tell her to her face.  I flew out the day SS was supposed to end his extended last visitation to drive back with my wife and SS (if he chose to come home).  

Pick up was not an issue though SS was extremely quiet for the first couple of days of our week long road trip from SpermLand home.  

Towards the end of day two he broke his vow of mostly silence and informed us that he knew we had come to get him so he would have to tell us F2F if he was not coming home.  He then told us he knew where his home was and who the people who loved him and really cared about him were.  The next day we crested the N Rim of the Grand Canyon and his introspective sullen shell shattered and we had our son back.

In the succeeding almost 13 years since then our son has thrived as a man and an adult.  He has little to do with the SpermClan due to their ongoing manipulative crap.  Their first first round of that after he turned 18 was an attempt to guilt him into repaying them for the 16+ years of CS they had paid.  They attempted to manipulative him into believing that since they had supported him with CS while he was growing up that he should support his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mammas because they did not have the nice things he was raised with.  

We raised a man of character and analytical ability. He did not buy into that and pretty much wrote them off at that point.  Sadly Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.

That ours was a long distance visitation schedule made it simple compared to the local visitation models that so many struggle with.  The lies, toxic manipulation attempts, guilt campaigns againse SS, and the full court press attempts to alienate SS from his mom and I were limited to the visitation schedule (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring), some intermittent raging phone calls, and the occassional hearing in front of a Judge.

We kept SS fully in the loop on the comprehensive facts. In an age appropriate manner.

I suggest that you force the games ot stop and force DH to shove his X into her hole and leave her there.  His daughter needs to see dad be confident, she needs the facts regarding the governance of her life as a COD, and she needs to understand she really has no say until she ages out from under the CO.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Nobody can make you feel guilty without your consent.

And he will only treat you the way you allow him to. If you, like me, are the type of person who is non-confrontational in your personal relationship, you will get walked on like a doormat.

You may be ok with this to begin with but as you get older, you will become resentful over this.

I know I wished I had established clear and consistent boundaries when my husband and I first married. It would have saved a lot of the issues we are having now.

i hate it when sweet new rosey eyed SP's come in and say "i love them as my own"....no you dont.   it is ok that that you dont....but dont say it because it is so untrue.   if she was your own there would be zero discussion you would just do it. .. facts. .. you probably wouldnt even say anything to your DH.  that is what moms do with their kids...

now SK's....the OP's take advantage of SP's (men mostly taking advantage of women) because they think they should just drop everything and take care of the kid.  that's what a mom is supposed to do right?  but you are not the mom.  i dont care how many folks use that stupid "bonus" mom phrase...you are not the mother.  periodt.  the father needs to take care of their child.  they procreated and need to not push off their responsibilities to the SP.  this will eventually lead to discord and resentment.  you are already feeling the resentment towards your DH.  you need to set boundries and not feel guilty.  you should not be treated like a non person because you married a guy with another kid.  he needs to be man enough and take care of his kid, and if he needs help, give you advanced notice and ASK first.  

next time he volunteers you, you have other plans.  he is a grown up (supposedly)...he can make other plans himself.

Dammit,stop feeling guilty and go for the jugular.

"You WILL ask me first."

"You will NOT treat me like the hired help."

"I live here too and my opinion COUNTS."

"Kindly have the basic decency to consult me before making any promises that concern me."

As from now on, he is responsible for his daughter's care unless you agree on things beforehand. Do not feel guilty, she is not your child. 

Make him more afraid of upsetting you than upsetting his ex. You are the woman in his life and he should be happy that you love his daughter rather than risk driving a wedge between you and her. If he doesn't shape up he could destroy a great situation... and all because he can't reclaim his balls from his ex.