I feel like I'm forcing a relationship on SD13 and I'm want to be done-PLEASE HELP
Things used to be good with me and SD13. Things have been bad for about 4 yrs now. We believe that it's mostly a loyalty thing to her Bm who abandoned her 4 yrs ago. We are in tons of counseling and everyone's expectations are for us to "get back to how we used to be." Well, now SD13 says that she never liked me. She just faked it for her dad, and she is done faking it and refuses to respect and accept me. She avoids me like the plague and is always telling lies about me to anyone that will listen. I told my DH that he needs to consider that our blended family that we thought was going to live happily ever after might not! I am tired of being her doormat and trying to force a relationship and walking on eggshells. He feels stuck in the middle. He is. I will not leave him, but... I don't want to raise 2 little kids in a house full of disrespect and chaos. What should I do? Please help!
"All you can do at this stage
"All you can do at this stage is allow her Dad to parent her and you step as FAR back as you can. She's resentful of you because you're there and her Magical Princess Mommy isn't. The only way you COULD fix that is if you left...which isn't happening."
Yes!!!
Kids, especially girls, can
Kids, especially girls, can be quite heartless. She thinks she's got you over a barrel and she does. She knows that she's hurting your feelings. She justifies it in her mind by imagining that you are somehow responsible for making her mother a failure. You can TELL her all day long that she's wrong, won't do you a bit of good.
AS LONG AS SHE FEELS THAT YOU GIVE A RAT'S ASS, SHE WILL CONTINUE TO BE MEAN AND DISRESPECTFUL.
Hold your head up high, live your life, ignore the bad attitudes, surround yourself (especially in YOUR house) with your friends and family. Piss all over YOUR TERRITORY. Let her know without saying a word, that her opinion of you matters not a single bit to your happiness or existence. She can take it or leave it. Whatever the hell you do, don't force anything. The more you try the meaner she will get.
I have a seventeen year old daughter who is just naturally this way. It's her nature. I don't let her ever pull this crap on me. It took her sdad a while to listen to me. I kept saying, "Jeez, just ignore her. You can't fix her attitude, only she can."
He finally knows now that I was right. She stopped it with him. I see her do the same thing to her boyfriend. Don't be her victim. Get up.
Sounds similar to my ss. He
Sounds similar to my ss. He is almost 14. He lived with us from 1-9 and is now back with us again as of 2 weeks ago. Up until 9 I was his primary caregiver. He was 9 when he started saying he didnt like me, had once loved me when he was little, but had hated me for years. We thought it was just a "phase" and that he was also being loyal to bm and that he'd grow out of it. At almost 14, he still treats me as if I'm not here. He has been living here for 2 weeks now and I think the only conversation he's initiated is, "where's dad?". I do talk to him-but mostly it is about things he needs to do-such as "pick up your mess"-he will occassionally respond to me. We have tried to address this problem for almost 5 years and we get nowhere. SS has said he really has no reason to dislike me-he just feels like if he cant have his mommy and daddy together then he doesnt want his dad with anyone-that it's not me personally. Well, thanks. So I just dont let it bother me. If he doesnt want a close relationship with me-so be it. I've got 3 kids of my own that appreciate the attention and affection I lavish on them. I am not rude to ss, I dont mistreat him-we just arent close and my guess is that we never will be. I will say that he doesnt blatantly disrespect me any longer. I think he has been disciplined for that so many times that he has stopped. Your dh needs to discipline his child if she is rude to you. But I would stop trying to force a relatiosnhip nor would I walk on eggshells. I think to some degree it was a game to my ss-the more we-as in dh and I-tried to promote a relationship the more he held back. Now, he's the one missing out as I do alot for my kids-things my dh doesnt even think to do for ss-I'm not going to go out of my way to do those special things for ss. It will be interesteing to see if he ever comes around and decides it might be beneficial for him to have a relationship with me.
She lives at a residentional
She lives at a residentional home for troubled youth right now but has lots of visits home. this summer she will be home about 50% of the time. She will probably be in the program until December. I know that I shouldn't stress over the future, but it will take nothing short of a miracle for it to be ok for her to live here full time again. We don't know where she would go. There is not an obvious solution, but I do not want my kids exposed to police, DFACS, etc. Of course DH is hoping that we "come around", but I think too much has been said and done and the resentments are so big I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want peace in my home. I have disengaged for the most part but I have to go to the counseliing sessions. I wish I didn't. It would be easier to show that I don't care anymore if I didn't have to go and share my feelings. Any anger or hurt that I share probably just eggs her on. I wish I could say that I will just hang in there until she is 18, but I don't know if I can stay sane that long, and she is so immature she will probably still be a train wreck and trying to manipulate and live her as long as we will let her!
BSmom, i could have written
BSmom, i could have written your post exactly the same. my SD12 (who lives with us 100%) acts the same way, i disengaged but im not sure i can hang on for another 6-7 years. i also have a BS that lives full time with me. he sees the whole situatio nadn wonders if she will ever change. i tell him to not hold his breath.
it is so hard to deal with the long silences, the long faces, the bad attitude, the manipulation ,the little things, my son's toys that show up broken, the long conversation with princess biomom over speakerphone "i love you" "i love you more"...the never good mornings, hte NEVER thank yuos, the lies she tells about me...
all the advice that you received here i ll use as well!! these stepmoms really know what they are talking about.
you will not change her, period!. in my case, and sounds like in your as well, SD is full of anger, confusion and resentment to a mom that abandoned her long time ago, does not pay for anything for her, clearly BM does no invest in her daughterin any way. DH is a good dad but a bit disconnected..like most guys AND me after hitting my head against the wall for many years i disengaged from her a lot so for her is a lot easier to hate me and blame me for EVERYHTHING that to see the truth. put on top of that the hormones of the preteens years ,plus the defiant nature of her personallity and you get a little bitch.
there is nothing you can do to change her or to SAVE your family. what i do is put my energy in my life, my job, spend lots of time with my BS, arrange dates with my DH. im respectfull to her "thank yous and pleases" and i ask the same of her. that is it. im not longer interested or involved in her emotional health, her life, her drama, etc. i guess what im trying to say is that you need to reduce and minimize the opportunities for her to mistreat you. pick your battles, and stand your grounds, you are the adult and she has to respct you , your family and your house. the rest just stay away from her.