I won't parent my SS.
It is simple. I don't really like my SS16. I avoid him if possible. He is not my child. He is my DH's child. He will never be my child. I am merely a "responsible adult" who makes sure he doesn't chop his foot off or something. He has never accepted me as a parental figure. I'm okay with that because he is difficult to deal with I just hold my breathe for the two weeks every month he is living in my home.
He has no motivation to do anything except play video games. He does three things while he is here. He sleeps, eats and plays video games. He never leaves the house. I have seen him go two weeks straight and never set foot outside. He has only five "friends" but his only contact with them is online. He doesn't see the need to get a job because WE give his a $60 a month allowance and that covers the tiny bit of gas money he needs (because he NEVER goes anywhere). DH wanted to buy him a car and I'm not even sure why because this kid doesn't need one.
I have a DD who is also 16. I watch her get up every morning and go to work. She is saving up right now so she can live on campus when she goes to college. He doesn't even want to think about doing anything toward college. Doesn't want to talk about admissions. Doesn't want to go on campus tours. Doesn't want to take the SATs...BUT he wants us to pay the tuition to a expensive technical college (40k a year).
DH keeps asking me for "advice" on how to parent his kid. Basic common sense stuff except he has not parental common sense. Then when I tell him my advice, for example stop giving the kid an allowance, he defends SS's behaviors. Finally I told him to stop asking me for advice because it leads to an argument.
Finally last week DH had a light bulb moment. SS has summer homework assignments. He had several books to read and a lot of writing to do. Including one class he was suppose to be keeping a journal for all summer. School starts right after labor day. SS had not even started any of it. Didn't even know what the assignments were. DH comes home from work and asks me to "tell me I can do this.". Do what? Tell SS he is restricted from the internet. He is so afraid of telling his kid no he had to take a Xanax to kick him off the internet?
DH restricted him to two hours of internet a day. SS was almost too agreeable. Know why? DH is not here all day. SS tells me he is "reading" then closes he bedroom door. He is not reading he is on the internet. However, I'm not policing him. He is not my child. Before DH and I married I told DH I would not be a parent to his son. He said he understood then but now he is trying to force me into that role.
I do feel sorry for SS in a way. He is ill prepared for the world. He has no social skills. It is like he has been raised by wolves. He never matured past 10 or 11. I keep thinking this will be the guy who is sleeping in someone's basement at 40 and playing video games all day. I should want to help him. I don't. I'm past this stage with my DDs because I worked hard to help them learn forward progression in life. They are not grown up by any means but they have started on their way toward independence.
So I've vented. Thanks for listening. I just need to not feel so insane all the time.
I should want to help him. I
I should want to help him. I don't.
I feel the same way about my SS15. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I've poured my heart and soul into trying to help this kid for the past 3 1/2 years. It's done no good. The well is dry.
I feel the same way about my
I feel the same way about my skids. I have officially given up as of about 6 months ago. Today marks the first day I couldn't care less what they do or what they're about. As long as they don't do harm to my children... I don't care.
Feels good to finally have the means to just shut the door on that chapter. I tried to help them for YEARS. Nobody wants my help except H and he only wants it on his terms. I think we'll all be much happier this way. Though, I will say...
World, they may not be MY children... but I apologize in advance for how they are. I had NOTHING to do with it. I put in my years of banging my head into the wall trying to get them to be decent. That's the level of responsibility I feel for them.
You're on the right track.
You're on the right track. Your input will have no consequence anyway so no use in wasting your time and emotions. Read the article linked below, it will help you implement your program. Print a copy for Daddy so he knows what's going on. I too feel sorry for the kid who has a incompetent father which leads me to suggest you get a book on raising teenage boys from Amazon.com. Meanwhile here is the link:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Don't even bother.. I've had
Don't even bother.. I've had to adapt the same tactic of not giving a crap about my ss's (13 & 16) because their dad is the kind of crappy parenting. No boundaries, no rules that hold up longer than 15 minutes, no consequences, no follow up and idle threats that he never follows through on. His kids think he is a joke and laugh at him all the time. They simply do not take him seriously until he blows up.. then he goes overboard, feels guilty and takes back whatever rules and/or consequences he threw out there during his adult temper tantrum..
I have tried for years to talk to him about how ass backwards he is about things (in a much nicer way, of course) and it fell on deaf ears.. oh, he would ask for advice on things like "can you help me go thru ss13's ipod and tell me what songs are bad" (I'm younger and know lil' wayne from jlo - lol - DH doesn't) and when I do.. he argues that "oh, it's not that bad".. Oh-kaaayyy... Then why ask for my help when we strongly disagree that a 13 year old shouldn't be listening to songs loaded with f bombs, glorification about drugs and degrading phrases about women.. ugh! sure..whatever.. the kid drops f bombs and calls his own grandmother a bitch, but what do I know, right?
So anyways.. yes, don't even bother. You will only cause yourself stress and achieve nothing.
I take the stance that as
I take the stance that as equity life partners spouses are also equity parents to any children in their marrital home regardless of the biology of those kids.
If you won't parent then you accept the behavior. So, which is more important to you. Not parenting or the unacceptable behavior?
The easy fix is to change the router password on a daily basis and have SS show you his completed work before he gets the new password. Your DD, you, and your DH get the password since DD earns it by her dedication and work and you and DH get it because you are the adults in the home adn pay for it.
SS gains clarity of loses his 5 online friends.
Pretty simple IMHO.
Good luck.