Is it normal to need attention ALL the time
I noticed something on this board that struck a real chord with me and hopefully some of you with kids and skids can shed some light on the situation.
My two skids, SD5 and SS8 seem to need attention every second of the day. They don't pick up a toy and start playing with it without asking, they don't open the garage and get out their bike without asking, they are always shouting "DAD!!!!! Stepmom!!" when they are in different rooms and need something. Heck, they ring the doorbell to come back in the house when they are outside with friends.
I don't find this normal. I am only in my early 30s and wasn't a kid that long ago - I didn't need constant attention. If I was thirsty I opened the fridge for a drink, if I was bored I would look for something to do, etc.
Other sparents on this board seem to have complained about the same thing.
Do kids exist who have more independence than this?
Dh flip flops back and forth between being okay with this. Sometime's he says it's normal, other time's he says that we can't expect them to not be like that because BM is like that and they will feel ignored at our house if we don't respond. He is getting better and does tell SS8 to cut it out when he starts in on the whining "DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDD" just to ask for a simple thing like a glass of water.
The dinner table is the WORST!! I spend the entire meal getting up and down. Can I have a straw? Can I have another drink? Can I have a napkin? etc. When I make the meal EVERYTHING is on the table before the kids are called for dinner, but DH isn't proactive like that.
If they want a straw or a
If they want a straw or a napkin while at dinner tell them to get up and get it themselves. No need for you to foster that dependence. If they ring the doorbell to come back in-dont answer. I am sure it will not take long for them to use the old noggin and realize that they can indeed turn the door knob and come inside.
On the flip side, maybe their bm encourages that they always ask permission for things? That this is the polite thing to do? I dont know-it's not horrible to ask before getting a snack or going outside if it's ok. If there are things that you are ok with them doing on their own-such as fetching their own glass of water simply tell them they dont have to ask they can help themselves. Everytime they try to ask simply remind them that I told you you dont have to ask-help yourself.
I agree with hismineandours.
I agree with hismineandours. I taught my kids to always ask before they get a snack or to play or use with something that is not theirs. However ringing the door bell to come back in??? That is a little over the top and no you should NOT be getting up and down during a meal. Tell them to get it themselves if they can reach everything.
I don't mean that they ask if
I don't mean that they ask if they can play with things that aren't theirs. I mean that they don't even play with things that are theirs without dh or I leading the play. I feel like we are having to entertain them the entire time.
Good idea about them getting up at dinner. I will move the straws/napkins to a more easily reached place.
Trust me, it's done done to be polite. BM doesn't feel that kids need to have manners - "let kids be kids" is her favorite quote - it's that they don't have any independence at her house so they don't know what to do. they can't just hang out at home without asking "dad, stepmom - what should we do???" or "I'm bored" and the constant "can I have a drink?" wait 30 seconds "can you get my scissors?" wait 30 seconds "can you take me to the bathroom?" wait 30 seconds "look at this?". DH gives in to every response and therefore I end up doing the bulk of the work on his weekends because things take so long with him being interruped every 2 seconds.
Stepping I get what you are
Stepping I get what you are saying b/c when I got my skids they were the same way. Bm still doesn;t give them independence. Her fav. quote is 'I want them to be little for as long as possible' which translates into I want them to depend on me for as long as possible.
I taught them to be independent however with mine after a while of me telling them you don't have to ask or you can do it yourself that they wanted me to teach them things. My oldest ss asked me to teach him to cook b/c his mom refused saying he didn't need to learn since she is there to do it for him. He told me that he needs to learn b/c he wants to be able to take care of himself when he moves out. I have been slowly teaching him and the others but I can tell you bm still is fuming about that one. My ss's are 15, 13 and 11. Plenty old enough to do things for themselves and they want to so bad. I let them. I still had to help the 11 when he puts things in the microwave but that is b/c it is up real high. But most of the time he tries to do it himself and I can see it spilling on the way down so i help him. He doesn't ask fort the help I am just afraid he will burn himself. But that is they way they learn to do things for themselves.
Bm doesn't get it. During holidays my skids want to help me cook, I am really blessed that they come to me to teach them what bm SHOULD be teaching them. My point it look at it that way, the more you teach them independence the more they will want you to help them learn and try new things and they will want YOU to teach them.
Thanks for that purple
Thanks for that purple daises. We have made many strides and both kids have come in leaps and bounds, but in the moment it still drives me crazy. I needed to hear that I wasn't alone and that as they get older the kids do start to take pride in this independence.
We have already taught both kids to bathe themselves, handle their toileting (yes, BM was still wiping the 7 year olds behind), tie their shoes, clear the table, etc. I guess it will continue to improve. I just know tons of 8 year olds who are packing their school lunch, helping with household chores, caring for pets, maintaining resposibility for their homework, etc. and I feel like we are so far behind sometimes.
All joking aside, my SD8 DOES
All joking aside, my SD8 DOES ask "Daddy is it ok if I go poop?" - who DOES that??? I don't understand it at all, and we've told her time and time again she doesn't need to ask if she can go potty! We do expect all the kiddos to ask for a snack and/or drink but my DD is only 5 and can't get in the pantry by herself, so we expect to be asked about that sort of stuff. Of course, my oldest DD is 13 and she doesn't even ask anymore so that's a non-issue. I do get very frustrated when SD is here because she is CONSTANTLY hanging on her Dad and she talks like a baby to him and whines to him about everything. I feel like I'm constantly pointing stuff out to him and I know he gets angry but dear God when the child is asking if she can poop? C'mon.