In-laws and Ex's, what do you do?
Hello I'm new to this site, and step-families, blended-families, etc. I'm hoping for some guidance in understanding situations I've never deal with. I've been dating my bf for 6 months, and he truly is a wonderful person, parent, partner and man. He has 2 children from a previous marriage that lasted 7 years. He's been divorced approximately 2 years. I've recently found out that his sisters are friends with his ex wife. I've talked to him about it, and he isn't happy about it either. He's expressed his feeling to his sisters and basically was told his ex is the mother of his children so they are going to continue to be friends with her. Both he and I found this uncomfortable. Yesterday we were invited to a party at one of his sister's. I had never met her before, other than saying nice to meet you, she basically did not acknowledge me. When my bf and I were dating a month this same sister told my bf that I wasn't invited to her house for a Christmas party. Honestly I dont even know how to feel, what I should feel, how I should deal with any of this. Then as we're leaving yesterday my bf tells me that next weekend the other sister is having a party and we're invited. I told my bf that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. He then told me that if he doesn't go his ex wife has been invited and she is going to go. I asked him how he knew this, he said his ex wife told him. Needless to say we got in the car and I cried the whole way home. My bf tries to tell me it's not a big deal and that I know he isn't close to his family, but deep down inside I'm really hurt. I dont feel like I fit in, or that I will ever fit in. My bf doesn't realize how this all makes me feel and he thinks I should just let it go and not let it bother me. Unfortunately I take things to heart,and at the moment my heart is broken. Please be gentle, this is extremely difficult for me. Thank you.
This was fabulous advice ty
This was fabulous advice ty for sharing.
Listen to that advice. Do not
Listen to that advice. Do not let him wrangle you into giving in to the sisters or the ex. It'll only get worse as time goes on.
I am still friends with my
I am still friends with my sister-n-law. My ex and I were married 25 years though.
However, I would never go to a family gathering. My ex is not involved with anyone but I would not go to a party that would make him or anyone he is involved uncomfortable.
Sorry you are dealing with this. I know I sure would not want to be at a party with my new DH's ex.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your point of view, and understanding.
This issue brought me here.
This issue brought me here. My story: my DH has 3 sisters. He was closest to the oldest, SIL1, actually she was his support group while he was getting divorced. (this is key) She has been divorced herself about 20 years and never managed to have a long term relationship. Lots of short term ones that tend to blow up. She is controlling and narcissistic and drinks a lot. She's a jealous bully.
She supported us as BF and GF but when we told her we were getting married she changed. And after we did (we eloped) she picked a fight and insulted DH and our lives together. She would glare at us when we were affectionate. She even called BM to see if she was hurt. ?! How psycho. Suddenly she and BM were "friends." Then she spread the poison to extended family and even DH's friends. She called them to say he was "going the way of J"--DH's brother who actually died of heart failure but was also a heavy drinker and drug user. This was pure slander, and ironically, SIL1 soon after got her 2nd DUI and lost her license for 3 years.
The other 2 soon treated us like crap. Example: several days after our wedding, saw SIL3 in public at an event. She hugged DH and IGNORED me. I never got the welcome to the family party MIL had planned because of SIL1 and DH's feud. At Christmas (BM on the way over of course) at SIL1's the 2 once again ignored me and hugged DH. We left. This was all very hurtful and we had many discussions trying to figure it out.
DH told them all off and we cut them off for a while, esp. SIL1. At one point she had verbally abused me via email in the crudest way because I dared to say something to SS about how he treated his dad, MY HUSBAND.
We moved and didn't talk to her ever. BM continued to go to ALL the family events.
Now, at almost 4 years of marriage, they "accept" me. I couldn't care less. I barely see them (2 times a year) and never correspond. BM has revealed her true colors. SIL1 now has a BF and a job she likes and her license back so she can 'afford" to be nice to us.
They are all crazy--why they cared so much that DH divorced a lazy fat sack of poo non-parent party girl and married me, educated, successful, raised two great girls, etc. and is finally happy instead of on his way to a coronary---all I can say is jealousy and anger that their Mr. Fix-it wasn't available any more. (he did everything for that crew)
It's not fun starting a marriage with a bunch of ill-wishers in the background. But we are true soul mates and I am so happy I finally found him.
Secret of success: realize that it's not you, it's them (how people treat others is always about them). Your BF needs to make it clear that you are his partner and if they insult you, they are insulting him. He needs to put you first, and if he worries too much about their feelings or rocking the boat, then he is way too wimpy and enmeshed with his family. Man and wife first, extended family next, not the other way around. DH has always proudly treated me as his wife, almost a tough shit attitude toward his ex and family. He doesn't let them dominate his life, which they would love to do.
Good luck!
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your experience, it was obviously difficult for you as well. Thank you for all the advice. I'm feeling so much better and stronger.
I just wanted to thank you
I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories, thoughts, advice and words of encouragement. I feel so much better. I talked to my bf today, and he knew I was still feeling upset. The next thing I knew he text his sister having the party next week and told her that if she wants his ex wife to come to the party so be it but he's done with all of them. Of course his sister got nasty with him and so did his ex wife, but he said that he finally realized that they were a lot closer than he thought or ever knew. He also didn't appreciate the back that they were talking about him behind his back. I also dont want negative, nasty, disrespectful people in my life. I also feel there could be jealously b/c I'm very successful, well-educated, fab job, and his ex and his sisters are not.