Meeting with EX
A little history first. Hubby and I been together for 17 years. Children in the house are Son 21, son 19, son 17, daughter 15, son 12. The 21, 19 and 17 are my children but they consider my husband there dad and have not had any contact with there dad for 13 years. Husband has an 18 yo daughter from another relationship. Hubby gave up rights to his daughter 17 years ago. Yes I met husband during all of this. In the separation they had a mediator that stated it was in the best interest of the child because of all the hostility between the parents. They had a baby that had died of SIDS 11 mos before daughter was born and my husbands ex cemented a bunny over his last name on the tombstone and said that he had no right to go to the grave. So you can see what kind of ex we are dealing with. Anyways when husband daughter decided to contact her dad it did not go smoothly. Some issues were:
1-He was text messaging her for hours while ignoring the rest of his family, even though he has told his 15 yo daughter not to text him he don't like it.
2-Told 15 yo daughter that her dog was not allowed in his truck then allowed 18 yo daughter to take her dog in his truck.
3-Gave 18 yo daughter $60.00 but would not loan 19 yo step son $20.00 for 2 days till his payday.
4- Gave 18 yo daughter gas at midnight from his gas barrel. Actually got up from bed and got dressed to do this. Although the other kids have never been allowed to get gas from there.
5- Told daughter to not call him after 9:30 pm unless an emergency. This is a house rule for everyone. Has allowed daughter to break this rule on several occasions because she has called her dad just to say I love you.
6-Has allowed daughter to disrespect me on several occasions. When confronted about it either states I don't think a text message is appropriate to deal with it or it wasn't the right time to deal with it.
Anyways I think you get the picture. So finally I put my foot down and said NO this is not how it is working. I will be included in every meeting and every decision regarding your daughter. Also ask yourself would I do this for the other kids, if the answer is yes then do it for her, if the answer is no then don't do it for her. She did not take to this. And now only contacts her dad when I am at work. (I work 48 hours on and 96 hours off) She got my schedule confused and texted her dad about how much of a b**** I was when I was home. At first he didn't tell me about it but I could see something wasn't right by how he was acting so asked to see his phone, at first he said no but then did show me. Well I flipped and told him he was allowing her to disrespect me to him and he better stick up for me. So he told his daughter that she was never to talk bad about me to him and the end result was this text message sent to husband.
You can go F*** off I will never claim you as a father figure and you can tell your F****** crazy B**** wife to F*** off as well. Let her know that it is all her F****** fault that we cant have a relationship. Well of course I was hurt and mad at the same time. Then I had a lot of guilt. Should I leave husband so he can have a relationship with his daughter. Well I decided not to throw away 17 years for a manipulative child. However I did send the text message to the daughters aunt who forwarded it to her mother. Well her mother called my husband and wants a meeting tonight. She stated that she was embarrassed by the way her daughter was talking to us. And that she realized she was playing both sides. Come to find out she was talking smack about me to her mother and saying how dad wont ever help her out and dad wont stand up to me when it comes to her. The problem his ex wants me to be at the meeting with her and hubby and daughter, but does not want her husband at the meeting????? I don't know how I feel about seeing her. Should I go to the meeting or not? Husbands daughter doesn't know about the meeting we are suppose to just show up at ex house at 8:30 pm. Might be worth a good laugh to see her face when she sees us there. Especially when she thinks her father and mother hate each other and have not talked in prob 15 years. Need advice on the following:
1-Do I go to meeting or not?
2-Do I allow husband to have a relationship with daughter without any involvement from me?
3-How do I deal with the disrespect from his daughter?
You should go to the
You should go to the meeting. BM is extending out to you to help and try and fix things. You are already to the point of not having a relationship with her, so whats the worst that can happen?! She doesnt want a relationship with you.
And it is his daughter and that should be HIS decision. It will be hard on the two of you, but if you set specific guidelines and follow them, it could work.
I agree - go to the meeting.
I agree - go to the meeting. And remind your husband to remind his daughter that you BOTH will not tolerate disrespect from her.
GRRRRRR....He fed me the
GRRRRRR....He fed me the line that we are a package deal and that I am his backbone and needed to go to the meeting with him....So I gave in and went with him, thinking that maybe he now gets it. Well lets see daughter threw a fit and went to her room and wanted mom and hubby to come talk to her in there. Next thing I know I am sitting on the couch by myself. Yep hubby and ex went to her room and talked to her by themselves. She didn't want to talk in front of me. So when we got home and I asked him what was said he said oh not much.....
Well that had to be
Well that had to be humiliating for you. I am sorry!
So you think that she should
So you think that she should be put on a pedestal then and get everything she wants. So how am I to explain his actions t the other kids. Example is daughter asked to take dog in dads truck, dad said NO, but step daughter was allowed 1 hour later to take her dog in dads truck???? My daughter was heart broken, she already feels that her dad loves her step sister more than her and that she will take her place in his heart...
Reading that text message
Reading that text message was horrible and makes me want to share this with you. I had a discussion with my husband and told him that he and his first wife did not raise his daughter right to have manners and morals. She is very selfish and rude and the whole world is about her. She hates me simply because she cannot have endless amounts of money. I have 2 children (both grown) and she is not the "only child" so to speak now. I taught my children to be respectful and to have strong work ethics and good morals. My daughter did get pregnant and had a baby young - but she is working and raising my grandson with her boyfriend and never asks for anything. My son works and is a college grad. (Sorry just a little background). Anyway, after my husband told my SD what I said about how she was raised, she flipped out. After her HS graduation (which I was not allowed to attend with my husband) her and her snotty friends all took a trip to the beach. They were all drinking and she must have been badmouthing me because this group called my cell at 10:30 at night (marked private so I couldn't see number) and this is what I heard when I answered the phone: "You fu***** bit** you better quit talking sh** about your SD. Your the one who has a daughter that is fuc**d up." I was stunned and all I could say was "who is this and what in the hell are you talking about?" It just got uglier with all the girls shouting names and laughing at me and I finally hung up. I called my husband (he works nights) and needless to say I was hysterical. I told him if she called me again I would call 911 and say she was harassing me. Well, he called her and she denied it. He claims he let her have it. I know he was upset, but he tried to act like it wasn't as big a deal as I was making it because they were drunk (which is a whole other issue - underage drinking). I told him she owed me an apology and until she apologized, I didn't want anything to do with her and she wasn't getting a dime from us. Of couse she refused to apologize. That was in June - here is is Oct and she is away at school (first year at college) and he is now telling me he is dying inside not having a relationship with her. He said I should forgive and forget. I say she should apologize first and then I will. I told him other than me walking away or dying, she will never have a decent relationship with him.
DC I just read your post and
DC I just read your post and wow are we living the same life with our step daughter??? Mine is 18 and has gotten fired from 3 jobs in 6 mos and now dont work. I repeat your quote here "I say she should apologize first and then I will. I told him other than me walking away or dying, she will never have a decent relationship with him." I really also want to tell my DH this but I also feel guilty making him choose. I do know that this issue is ruining my marriage of 17 years. I dont know if you read the initial blog for the background or not.
I did read your inital post
I did read your inital post and it was very scary how close it is to my life. Mine is 18 as well. She would only work as a lifeguard for the summer months. She liked that job, because she likes to swim and gets to work on her tan. She worked as a hostess at a restaurant for about a month - of coures it was everyone elses fault she didn't like it there. My husband admits that he and his first wife spoiled her rotten. Well, she isn't a child anymore and it's time to grow up. I have only been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. Yes, it is causing problems in our marriage and has since day one. I'm sick of him making excuses for her - examples - she is immature, she is jealous of you, we spoiled her, blah blah blah. She is a freshman in college and the college is about 3 hours from here. The last time we were up for a game, my husband called her and she wouldn't even come see us in the parking lot (tailgating). He told me the other day that I didn't want him to have a relationship with her. What in the hell? From day one I have tried so hard to be nice to her (and her mother). I did not break up their marriage. They were in the midst of a divorce when I met him. No matter how hard I try, it does not matter. I have not said one loud or mean word to her. But I'm waiting on the next attack because I'm tired of being a punching bag and the straw was broken on the camels back.
You go to the meeting with
You go to the meeting with all of them because BM has acknowledged that there's a problem. Allow DH a relationship w/o your involvement. You just disengage, let it be known at the meeting that you will back off since it's obvious that she isn't taking to you but you're there for her whenever she needs anything or whenever she feels like she's ready for relationship. Tell her in front of everyone how her disrespect makes her feel and just explain that you weren't trying to be mean to her by stating the rules but they're rules that everyone must follow in the home.