Moving in with my boyfriend and other issues..
Long story short..I have on child who is 6 and my boyfriend has 2 teenage children who are 16 and 18 as well as two younger children who are 4 and 10 (these children are not biologically his..he found out is ex-wife had 2 affairs and had these children and told my boyfriend that they were his all this time)..hence the divorce.
He has been separated from his ex for 1 year and 8 months and we have been dating for 1 year. We are going to be moving in together in September.
One of his two older children (the 16 year old) is being particularly not happy about this. his mother is a really really manipulative, guilt tripper and she has told all the children that I am a bad person and that I caused their marriage to break down . (It was me who told him that she had the affairs because I found out about it and I was friends with him before and felt I had to tell him). She really manipulates them and makes them feel guilty about even wanting to spend time with their father if Iam around and constantly puts things into their heads. Its actually quite sad.
I am just wondering if anyone thinks that I should talk to this kid about things to try and iron things out. I am unsure of what to say to him though. Would tellign him that I understand that it is likely hard for him to see his father with someone else help? Would telling him that I am not trying to replace his mother and that I don't expect to act like his mother ever and that I am here to be with their dad and be a friend and someone he can lean on help?
What else could I say to try and make this a little less tense? maybe I could say that I can understand that he likely feels that he is betraying his mother if he is kind to me but that he doesn't need to feel that way?
I just don't know what to say.
As for the other little kids, she hardly lets them go and see their "dad" (maybe once every 5 weeks and the youngest is fine with me for the most part, although he did one time say that his mom said he's not allowed to talk to me) and the 10 year old will usually just pout or go upstairs if I am around.
I have no idea how to deal with this and was wondering if I talked to them it would help or not.
HELP~~
Hi really don't want to get
Hi really don't want to get into that part of it all. What I need help with is whether I should talk to the kids or not
Don't.
Don't.
Why not?
Why not?
Whoa what did I do to end the
Whoa what did I do to end the marriage?? Apparently, according to the ex she was planning on telling him anyway.. LOL I love getting blamed for what someone else did!!
Sorry, but this made me
Sorry, but this made me laugh! That's the definition of the life of a stepmother--getting blamed for everything everyone else did!
If the truth incriminates
If the truth incriminates you, the blame for that doesn't fall on the truth-teller.
If a relationship is ended over lies, that's the fault of the liar, not who or whatever causes them to come to light.
She didn't mess with their marriage - the ex shattered it with deception and disloyalty. The relationship was already over, all involved parties just didn't know it yet.
Outing a malicious lie is never wrong.
Unfortunately, skids will
Unfortunately, skids will believe their mother over their dad's GF. Most of the time, they will believe their mother over their DAD as well!
What you say to the kids will
What you say to the kids will be of little help. Your actions are what count the most. The children's father's actions count even more, actually. The bm has tremendous influence and many of us are here because that influence can be insurmountable in its evil.
BM should not be able to withhold the children from visiting. A custody schedule should be court ordered asap.
What your actions should tell the kids are that you are a kind person, a person with dignity, a person with personal authority as an adult that no one can take from you, and that you have nothing to do with BM or the former marriage.
Dad's actions should be telling kids he expects them to be kind and polite to others no matter what is going on in their lives and that it is their job to grow up and live their own lives as best they can and it is NOT their job to sort out their parents' marriage or caretake their parents (BM) in anyway. Be a kid who is learning kid things like good grades, good behavior, social skills.
No speech you give the kid is going to help. Which isn't to say you won't find yourself giving a little speech from time to time. Just saying that there are no magic words and kids generally don't listen to words anyway.
Thank you for a really good
Thank you for a really good reply. I feel like I can't even talk to them, in fact I hardly say anything to them at all when they are around because I feel like they don't want me to talk to them. Should I start with just making small talk?Asking how work is going or something to maybe break this tension?
I think that the 18 year old is really just truly shy and doesn't know what to say to me, he has told his dad before that he thinks I am nice and that he doesn't think the way that his mom and brother do about me. Should I just keep trying to talk to him to make him feel more comfortable?
Don't make a big deal. Greet
Don't make a big deal. Greet him cheerfully and make small talk. Avoid asking him anything as teens don't take well to that. Talk about the weather, a local or high school sports event, a funny story about the dog. Normalize your being there. Stay away from anything personal like his feelings about the divorce. If he blurts something out, sure, be kind. But don't pile on drama. Keep it cool and breezy. That is both warm and non-threatening--a good combination for kids.