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Moving out-of-state with SD, any tips?

wkd_sm's picture

DH was just awarded full custody of SD because BM is awful (long story). He is planning to move out of state to where I am. He and I will now have my 3 DS and his DH together under one roof! We couldn't be happier about this, however, I do have some concerns.

What can we do (besides counseling which we will already do) for SD to help her transition. She will be in a different state, different school, different home, etc. I am afraid she will be overwhelmed and sad. Any tips on how to help her with this?

How much contact should we allow between SD and BM? Basically, we are supposed to give her telephone and skype contact but to be honest, contact with BM has been very detrimental to all of us. Of course, she bad-mouths us and makes SD feel guilty. IMO, it's a fine line between helping SD and hurting her to have contact with her mother. DH feels the same. What is your take on this?

Thanks so much.

bigblues1981's picture

How old is you SD? And when your DH was awarded full custody did BM get any kind of visitation?

wkd_sm's picture

She is 10. DH was awarded custody 2 months ago after a long 2 year struggle. BM gets one week-night visit and every other weekend. There is nothing in the paperwork stating we cannot move out-of-state except we will not be able to keep the current visitation schedule. We are planning to ask for a modification giving BM summer vacation and every other Christmas vacation. She waives about 25% of her current visitation now but we know she will be livid when she finds out (we're working with our attorney on the details).

I am concerned because in the 2 years that this has been going on, I have seen the toll its taken on SD. She used to be very open and loving and very, very talkative. She was this way to everyone, including myself and my boys. Slowly, she has withdrawn and every once in a while she will talk to me about it. Just recently, DH and I worked on a school project with her. It was a paper on a baking project we did together, complete with pictures and the recipe. It was completed Thursday evening and she was to turn it in on Monday morning. Well, she went to visit with BM Saturday and Sunday with BM dropping her off to school on Monday. Wednesday evening I get an email from her teacher saying she did not turn in her project. We asked her about it and she broke down in tears. After an hour she finally admitted that when BM saw the project in her homework folder, she got very angry and tore it up!

The result is that she feels guilty being with us. BM has made it very clear that she hates us and wants SD to hate us too. Besides counseling, I am at a lost as to what to do.

Thanks,

bigblues1981's picture

OMG!! :jawdrop: Her mother is HORRIBLE!! I say get as far away from her as you can...I would not give her a whole summer visit to just put stuff in your SD head...she is poisoning her....I think your SD would be better off far away from her maybe she will start to open up once she knows she can.