My 2 year old is treating my wife/ his step mom like garbage.
Hey everyone,
I've been married twice, I had a child with my past marriage , his name is Gabriel ,my wife has a 4 year old from another man.
We've been married for 2 months now and my son is causing stress in our family, no matter how nice and how good of a mother my wife is to my son, he waves his arm at her and says yucky, in any situation, getting him to eat, tucking him in bed, trying to give him a hug etc, it obviously makes her feel very rejected and unwanted, she's on the edge and says its my responsibly to fix this problem, but I've never delt with this before, I've sat him down and tried to talk to him about it but nothing seems to work, I need help so bad with this, me and my wife have been arguing every night about it and I'm so tired.
A few quick facts, my ex wife treats him like a new born, she sleeps with him every night she has him, she doesn't believe in whooping him, only giving him time out I front of the tv on her couch, she spoils the crap out of him, like when I pick him up from her she gives him a handful of candy as a goodbye present.
My wife has a 4 year old and when they get together they act like boys do, they wrestle and fight, usually getting in trouble and get punished.
I've tried talking to my ex but she's bi polar and acts insane when I bring something up about it, so I can't help what goes on over there.
I need help in a bad way.. The stress is really getting to us
The first thing I want to say
The first thing I want to say is that it is AWESOME that you are looking for ways to support your wife instead of blaming her for the problem.
This is the first step. Most parents do not want to admit that their children can cause trouble, especially when the situation involves a step parent.
I cannot give you specific advice because everyone seems to handle younger children differently.
I CAN tell you what DH and I would do:
Time out in the corner EVERY SINGLE TIME the kiddo does this.
SS3 got into a "no" phase for a while and we ended up going with time out in the corner (NOT IN FRONT OF THE TV) every time he said no in a defiant way when we were requesting something reasonable (come eat dinner, pick up your toys, etc).
DH won't use physical punishment on the boys, which I support, so we use time outs. When time outs don't work--or when they are taking too long to work--we start taking away priveledges. No choosing movies. No dessert. No choosing games. It just keeps adding on until the kid realizes that their bad behavior is costing them much more than its getting them.
I would also try to document exactly what happens when your son behaves this way. There is some sort of reward for his behavior, whether it is simply your wife acting upset, you stepping in BECAUSE your wife is upset, or getting extra attention for being rude. There is a reward. You just have to figure out what he sees as rewarding and eliminate it.
I can't answer the question,
I can't answer the question, but I've been the one putting SS3 to bed for a couple years now. We discovered that the screaming fits didn't happen when I put him to bed, so we went with it. After 18 months of no sleep, anything that meant SS3 would go to bed and stay in bed was like a miracle.
Not sure if this is what's going on for the OP, but it's an idea.
He's there for me to parent ,
He's there for me to parent , not her? So his step mom shouldn't parent her step son? I'm sorry, I would love to tuck my boy in at night, but I work, I'm on 1st shift 2 weeks in a row and then 2nd shift 2 weeks in a row, I can't tuck him in while I'm working on second shift. But what I was referring to is when we both tuck our boys in at night, last night for example, I gave my boy a hug and kiss which he gave right back, my wife followed and he pushed her away , saying " no! Yucky! " and started crying. By the way, what does BM stand for?
Also, I blame his mother for not punishing him and treating him like he still needs a bottle, his punishment, like I said, is time out In front of the tv on the couch.
Saying its not my wife's place to parent him is such a ridiculous comment I shouldn't of even responded to it.
BM = Biological Mother The
BM = Biological Mother
The comment about your wife not parenting your child stems from the fact that a lot of women or men on here are married to or are in a relationship with a person who has completely pawned off their responsibilities (their children) onto them.
If it doesn't apply to you, then just ignore it. It's an online forum, people only know what is shared and many will make wild assumptions about it or read into it what was never said.
I'm not sure why your son is rejecting your wife. She may need to take a step back and start smaller with him. I have found that when children are forced to accept a person in their life, that they aren't ready to accept, that is just causes a ton of problems down the line.
Are there any tasks that your son does accept her doing for him? If so, I would think that it would be best to concentrate on those things. Build them up into something more important - that is, inflate the task - make it a big deal.
Also, PRAISE your wife in front of your son for everything she does for your family. This will go a LONG, LONG way in setting a precedent that she is to be respected and honored as someone who contributes greatly to the family. Not to mention, it will teach him how he is supposed to treat women -- and -- your wife will know, regardless of your sons rejection of her, how much you appreciate what she is doing. It's a win all the way around. And it's free.
I believe that especially in
I believe that especially in a blended family that both parents should put there boys to bed when it's possible , to show them that both parents are there for them and love them, not just one.
Thank you from all of the
Thank you from all of the hated step-moms out here for realizing that they don't always earn the hate.
I wish my DH were as evolved as you.
My suggestion is to seek out a family therapist. Someone that will work with all four of you.
^ YES! ^
^ YES! ^
You've gotten some very good
You've gotten some very good advise here. I just wanted to add, at 2yo often a consistent and constant stern reminder that we don't treat people that way often works very well. Not every action requires a punishment, but every action can become a learning opportunity. Maybe tell him, "Hey, we don't treat SM that way, if you don't want her to hug you the way to say it is, no thank you"
I do agree with whoever said that she might want to pull back just a little and build his trust slowly. You can't force a parental relationship on a child.
^^^ this, a no thank you s a
^^^ this, a no thank you s a good idea.. while you don't wanr to encourage disrespect you don't want to totally erode personal boundaries either- a person should be able to say no when it comes to (Reasonable) things like who is touching them or who is "In their bubble" as my sister would say.....
I'm sorry for all the
I'm sorry for all the negative comments you might feel that you are receiving, but a lot of the Steps here can see where this is leading down which is a lot of resentment and possibly a broken marriage. I do applaud you for looking for help--it means you are willing to work on your relationship with your wife, instead of just throwing her under the bus like so many bioparents do when there is a perceived (not: I said PERCEIVED, not actual) choice between their spouse/significant other and their children.
I agree that your wife shouldn't "parent" your child. What this means might be slightly confusing to someone who hasn't been on this site for long enough to understand the lingo. "Parenting" has become synonymous with "pushing" the relationship onto either Stepparent or stepkid.
Parenting, based on our terms, is going above and beyond what is required for the survival of the child in question, which your wife shouldn't HAVE to do (just like you shouldn't have to do it for her child either), if she chooses to, then great. If she wants to be involved in disciplining and loving your child, that is her prerogative, but should not be forced. Please be mindful that the child also has a choice of whether or not he/she wants that kind of relationship with his stepparent.
Now, it hasn't worked in your situation because there seems to be some confusion in what you expect the relationship to be like. Are you looking for your wife to be a second mother? I can tell you right now that it often doesn't work like that. There is no innate or instinctual bond between the stepmom and the child--so this means the bond needs to be developed (Also, please note I used the word "developed" not forced or given). I would stop with the hugs and kisses from either of you to both children unless the child is okay with it, which your son is clearly not, even if her's might be.
I WOULD begin using tangible punishments. Trying to reason with a two year old is like trying to reason with a parrot. It wants what it wants, can say what its thinking, but anything higher than "If I do this, then this happens" will be beyond its mental capabilities. So tangible punishments, like real time outs and taking away privilages for being RUDE, will at least condition the child to know that rudeness=punishment. Consistency is key. However, it is up to you to dole out the punishment, not your wife. If you aren't going to be home, make sure you tell your child that if he doesn't behave, YOU give your wife the power to punish him, and this punishment is coming from YOU. This way the ultimate person who holds the power is still his father, the one he loves, instead of this stranger who he can probably care less about.
The ultimate goal should NOT be a lovey dovey wonderful Brady Bunch family, but a family that, even if the members do not like one another, they are respectful and civil to each other.
(Also, the comment on whooping I didn't take literal, I believe you simply mean more harsh punishments than time out in front of a TV.)
Also, you can't control what happens at your ex's house. But you can control what happens in yours. Regardless of her style of punishment, you should develop your own.
I have to agree with several
I have to agree with several things that I have read here. First off you are great for not taking this out on your wife and supporting here..Second SHE is wonderful for offering to take care of your child. That is something I think men don't really understand just because we marry you doesn't mean we inherit the responsibility to care for your children. We are not their parents you are, we are just another adult that they should respect. If my husband would understand this and take control of his kids bratish behavior we would have it much better off. I understand you work late so try not to take this the wrong way but..Try to control you child and let your wife have a break, if you can't be there at night then maybe your son shouldn't be there at night. She has a kid to raise but it isn't yours.
Do be aware of people here
Do be aware of people here who would have you start WWIII with your wife or your ex over a kid spilling milk.
This child is young for this behavoir which leads me to believe the BM is involved but I agree with the people here to suggest that your wife stop trying to parent the child.
So many women go into a relationship like this wanting to build a family and it isn't going to work in 90% of the cases and your family is well into the 90% range already.
Search this site using the keyword 'disengage' and understand the principle and suggest to your wife that it be her strategy.
OP seems to think his wife
OP seems to think his wife should be parenting this child, though, and seemed annoyed when others said differently. I think if wife disengaged, OP would perhaps find another who will play mommy. He seems to think it's her responsibility to parent his child since she married a divorced dad with custody at times and thinks that current wife should "parent" this kid when it doesn't seem that this child is set up to work with that.
Just to comment on all the
Just to comment on all the spanking talk....
My son is 2 and I don't spank him hard but when time outs are not working because he is a stubborn little man sometimes and thinks its funny that he got into trouble. He gets a little swat. It is not hard but it is shows him that time out is punishment and not fun time. It has gotten to the point now that if he is acting up and I say go to time out and he laughs I ask if he wants a spanking and he shuts up and goes to time out. I agree that spanking hard or without a diaper on at 2 might be crossing the line but all parenting styles and children are different. I don't think that we should criticize for him wanting some discipline for his son.
Also, it is proactive that he is trying when most BIO dads don't even care about the steps feelings. Its more about what did my spouse do wrong? I hope you are not getting scared away from the sight because it really can help in a blended family for the BIO parent to truly understand what a step goes through on a daily basis. I applaud you for trying. My DH won't even look at the site because " you people are all in the wrong" lol. He doesn't want to see it any other way. But this site has helped me in so many ways. It is so nice to have people to lean on. Even though you don't know them they help you understand that you are not wrong. These feelings are normal. And blended families are hard. Has your wife been on here yet? If not maybe she should.
I can't vent to my DH because he is so sensitive about the subject so in order for me to make it I have to have an outlet. And I hope through all of this that you understand and appreciate your wife for all that she does. I would never take care of my DH's kids if he wasn't here. Maybe that makes me the bad person in your opinion but I think your wife is the exception more than the rule.
I wish you guys the best of luck!