My bf still can't stand the site of pictures from before his time with us...
any time he spots a baby picture he freaks, not violently or at the kids or anything. he keeps his composure, but he burns inside and usually ends with...something has to be done about that. Then we're disconnected for about a day. my girls are 8 & 5 , he's known them for 3 yrs now..has a surprisingly amazing relationship with on both parts, we've been blessed with that. But anything to do with the girls before we met, or my past before we met, it's a screaming halt to our happiness. he never once made this obvious to the girls but it's a serious issue. I dont know what to say or do anymore. I won't refuse the girls of pictures from their babyhood, i just keep them in albums, but seriously, if my 8yo leaves some laying out (as she did this evening) you have to figure out a way to put it behind us. he can't go through this pain every time something like that happens !!???!!!???
just pics of them as babies.
just pics of them as babies. and tonight one was laying on her desk with her scrap booking stuff.
all the pics i have around the house are ones with all of us, from "our time"
and ya know, he's had to "deal" w my xh and has done so very respectfully. he cant stand the man but he deals. so why is this such a hurtful thing?
And I do agree that its an insecurity..but I wanna break it ! is it wrong fr me to think i could or shoould ?
He's never had kids of his
He's never had kids of his own, he helped raise his exgf's daughter for about 4 yrs from i think she was 1yo..and then the daughter told him something about "her other daddy...." (and her bio dad was not in the picture at all) the psycho gf was cheating & lying almost the entire relationship.
I know he wants a baby and I actually want to give him one.... if we got married.
He struggles against his own want to get married because I've been there and done that and it wouldn't be the same experience for us.
He struggles against his own want for children with me, again because it wouldn't be my first & he doesn't want the stigma against me for having children by different fathers.
I know alot the roots of these feelings are a reflection of his own insecurities, past hurts and depressions. He's more so of an introvert than extro (which is me) ... i seize happiness because thats what i thrive on..he seizes nothing except normalsy (if thats a word) because it's comfortable.
what do i see in him and why am i still here and trying ????
He's respectful, attentive and passionate. He works hard as a mofo for all of us. he's dealt with custody mediations, talks with my xh, and his own personal issues with the fact that i have the baggage i have.
**And the one picture I didn't see that was sitting out on the kids tv..was a pic of the two of them with thier bio dad. now i understand his emotion lastnight a little more.
BUT it's still an issue.
i won't let him go yet. we've invested so much of ourselves in this relationship with the girls fully involved. I feel too deeplyabout our future together to just cut it off.
I don't think his feelings
I don't think his feelings are wrong. I have been there. I tire of the stupid little kid pics and videos. I don't care who flames me for it, I wasn't there, I don't care and I'm not interested in seeing them for the 20th time.
How he handles it is another thing. My SO doesn't really know that I feel that way. I leave the room when he is watching old home videos (NO I don't care to see or hear his ex in them :sick: ). When he hands me a pic to look at, I just say uh huh and hand it back. If he's looking through pics, I just let him have his time.
I don't think he's completely crazy, but he just has to learn how to handle it better. You and your children should be allowed to look at them whenever. He is going to have to learn to just leave the room or do something else.
I don't know if I could break
I don't know if I could break the insecurity of a man who is threatened by my kids' baby pictures. I'd actually rather break his face. Sorry.
WOW don't know what to say
WOW don't know what to say other than he has serious issues! Holy crap! We ahve pics of all 5 of our kids when they were little and have 2 kids and he has 3 and none together. That is just so weird that he gets upset over baby pics! That is a red flag to me. :jawdrop:
i do agree Red Flag...BUT if
i do agree Red Flag...BUT
if you read my reply above here, it may explain a little bit. I'm trying to find a balance here for me and my girls and him. It's not like it's impossible
The only way I could simi
The only way I could simi understand it is if it was just you and your ex but even that should be ok in the kids rm as long as y'all aren't kissing or anything like that. I don't have any kids but those are your babies and in my opion your number one and he just needs to suck it up.
I've already limited those
I've already limited those pics to their room, and to make it easier for him without denying the girls of their life before us, i suggested a scrapbook of those pics we have of them as babies, and their dad, and their dad and i etc together. And my 8yo ran with it, was a really good thing for her and the 5yo.
he does know their #1 ..he's good with that. It's all the past that he's bothered by and i cant figure out how to shake it
I must say, first off, they
I must say, first off, they are Pictures of your children only. How the hell does he think they got this old without being babies. Why are baby pictures threatening to him? I would definantly ask. I do not, cannot stand picturrs of my husband and his ex-wife. I can stand pictures of his daughters mom and him, but not the ex before me. (he's been married 3 times, I know first clue). I gav ve fine as fast as deleting and destroying any picture that I gav be come across of her and him. If his daughter is in it, I use photo shop and erase the ex. I don't make waves about my feelings, I have numberousreasons but not for here. Have you guys talked about kids together, or does he have kids. Maybe he has on be but something terrible happened, (half sibling died at 2 yrs old found Christmas morning in bed.Christaswas never good at my house. happened before I was born, or my parents got married..) But do some gentle asking. If no real valid reason, I say tell him he remembers his childhood, why cant thekids do the same, then he needs to get over himself and rejoice in the fact they are his kids now, join them in those pictures and share those memories.
I did get through to him
I did get through to him about his childhood and letting them remember / see what they were like as infants.
If you read my other replies, there turned out to be a pic of the kids with their dad on the their tv. thats the ones that pushed him over.
and he thoroughly enjoys "us" the 4 of us, the girls have basically adopted him with open arms and tons of love and affection. they opt to call him dad, daddy or by his first name by themselves. it's very random and i'm not sure when they use which one for what reason but it's adorable and it shows great adjustment and acceptance. he cares for them, tucks them to bed, we say prayers together, he's involved with school, helps pay for it even.
and they still got their biodad around, it's a 50/50
Sorry about the spelling,
Sorry about the spelling, dang phones aren't big enough to proof read. I say after researching more, he feels threatened by the connection to BD. Maybe he loves the kids so much he is afraid of being rejected by them for BD.
With his experiences from before, sounds like he wants to do what is best for the girls, but has to figure out a few of the emotional aspects.
If he is truely that amazing with them/for them/to them maybe he just needs his own picture in their rooms so he can feel he is equally important.
Then on the flip side, Has he been doing something wrong to make him feel he would or could loose them. Some times (not always) but reactions like this that are very strong but out of the ordinary are signs of guilt....
Check into it, let him talk about it if he wants to, but most of all reassure him that he is their daddy, in your home. I could never share my son, he is so precious. If my ex, his BD, ever remarried and i heard him call someone else mom I would flip... I know it.... the only reason my son calls his SD, daddy, was he was not able to say his real name and my son was two when we got married...so, he loves them both, but I make sure he knows that his BD is just as important as his SD. After all, his BD does love him, and it wasn't my sons fault i wanted better for us. If I would have stayed with BD I would have been working 50+hrs a week and still not see BD nor would our son see him as he chose to do his bio families farming after his regular job (mind you without pay). So, I moved on....13 yrs and he didn't change so enough is enough. My son spends every weekend with his BD (mostly sleeps at his BD and spends the days with grandma and great grandma) while dad is still farming..somethings never change..
Therapy? 'Cause yeah, any guy
Therapy? 'Cause yeah, any guy who told me we needed to "do something" about my kid's baby pictures would find out that that "something" would be to leave his ass.
i suggested it before, and
i suggested it before, and i'm going to do it again..couples therapy. aside from the past rockin our boat..things have been great, better than my marriage better than any relationship i've had. i don't wanna just drop it
About 25 years ago the new
About 25 years ago the new step Mother tossed out all the pictures of my x and me in the trash, now my family is posting old pictures on facebook and we all enjoy the past and laugh, but most of the pictures we has were with the X husband and the new wife as I moved a greatdeal with my job, now my daughter has very few pictures of her as a child, this upsets me so much, put your photos in the hands of someone that will keep them for your children later..it is only fair to them, they did have a past but now they have a history with the new parent explain that, it's priceless.
I'm definitly keeping them no
I'm definitly keeping them no doubt..he knows this too. It's the matter of displaying them.
I have the girls making albums and scrap books to keep aside thir bed. When they feel the need or miss anything they have them to look at.
I think thats the best way to keep peace right now.