My boyfriend lets his 12 year old son sleep/cuddle in our bed at night... Is this normal?
Hi,
I am new to this blog and would very much appreciate some support. I feel lost and am ready to do anything to make this work. I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man with 3 children, whom are 12 (boy), 8 (boy) and 6 (girl). I have an 8 year old son who lives with me every second week as well as a 19 year old son who lives elsewhere close to his University. His kids stay with him almost every 2nd week.
We have broken up over the children (his children) twice already during those years and these moments have been very devastating and sad.
He is still in divorce/custody (he was already separated from his ex wife when I met him and had already moved out). The ex wife has been dragging the divorce/custody for 3 years now.
In efforts to compete with his ex wife in custody (they see a psychologist for the custody) he lets them do whatever they want. It has been really difficult for me, but in efforts to make things work out for everyone, and to avoid breakups, I have given in to all their/his wishes and preferences.
Now, I am spending all my time at his place in between the sale of my house and a new apartment next to his in the same complex.
My biggest issue is that he lets his 12 year old son cuddle up with us in bed at night and even sleep there! I have brought up how uncomfortable this makes me feel and my boyfriend got severely upset.
To make matters worse, when his 6 year old daughter 'smells' a disagreement, she blames me for something (this morning for hurting her arm when in fact I stopped a door with my hand that she was slamming in my face, and she smiled!!!)
Also, He does not want us to move in the same house together because of the kids.
I am seriously questionning the whole thing...
My 8 year old goes to bed without any fuss and I cuddle with him in HIS bed for about 15-30 mins. Shouldn't this be enough for any kid? I did the same with my older son until he was about 10-11. I don't see myself as a cold mother at all, in fact my youngest son's father thought I was too protective of my older son (so I have seen the other side of this situation, and I give in to a lot already because I have been in his shoes)
But for now, this seems ridiculous to me: Is this normal behavior to let your teenager sleep in bed or even cuddle up in bed until sleep? I wear a nightie to bed and I feel terrified to wake up 'cuddled' up to his teenage son!!!
My boyfriend says he has to decide if he can continue with me not being CLOSE to his children!!! I have read and applied the Connected Parenting Techniques, and they worked wonders to bring us close (a few pitfalls with his 6 year old daughter but they are more of a jealousy nature). I have really given our relationship and my relationship with his children so much effort and time, but now it is to the detriment of my comfort zone and wellbeing.
Now I feel like he puts all our relationship on hold for his children (whom frankly, the overprotectiveness obviously keeps them very immature (other son of his won't sleep 'alone' in a room), and I am a protective mom!!!)
My biggest issue is that he
My biggest issue is that he lets his 12 year old son cuddle up with us in bed at night and even sleep there! I have brought up how uncomfortable this makes me feel and my boyfriend got severely upset.
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This would not have happened one time!! If a 12 year old boy tried to crawl in bed with me, I would be out. Your SO would be out also. sorry...this is NOT normal.
Lol, at least I am laughing
Lol, at least I am laughing now! Yes, I know it's not normal AT ALL. But why can't my boyfriend see that? I know he really loves me, but is he really ready to loose me over his son being in OUR bed? Which he says is non negotiable...
I have no voice here in this relationship and I feel walked on - no, trampled on - all I want is my normal standing. I am tired of feeling 'temporary' and his kids treating me like I am a 'temporary' fixture. I want us to be able to discuss these issues - at least he can got to his 12 year old's bed if HE wants to - but I want NO part in having his teenage son in our bed and I will not stand for it. I told him that this morning, and his reply was that he thinks I will leave and I NEED TO COMMIT TO THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!
Hello??? Where is my ring? Why are we not living in the SAME house yet? Why can't you see your kid is trampling me all the way into BED??? I feel pissed now...
Let BM "find out" that SS is
Let BM "find out" that SS is sleeping in bed with you and DH and I guarantee that will be the end of it.
Thank you for reassuring me
Thank you for reassuring me this is NOT normal.
Oh dear. You have to move on,
Oh dear. You have to move on, and I think you already know it. You might care for the man deeply, but his response to your concern is not good. Twelve is to old for that. I am sure it is purely innocent, not reading anymore into it at all. He might be a little on the immature side is all.
In my opinion you are putting yourself in a potentially dangerous situation there. At the very least I would leave the bed if he came into it.
People sometimes interject themselves into situations that are none of their business. If the twelve year old boy inadvertently told the wrong person, you could open yourself up to questioning, or scrutiny. This could be a problem for your own child. I am in no way saying something could happen, but we never know how people can perceive things. It is better to stay clear of certain situations.
Good luck!
I would NOT be ok with the
I would NOT be ok with the teenager sleeping in same bed, even just cuddling there, even if I had a ring - I am mixing up different issues here, sorry. Basically, I think he won't commit because he won't 'upset the balance' with the kids... he's afraid to do anything they would not like.
But the issue that is a deal breaker for me is the teenager in our bed. Yes, he is VERY immature for his age. Yes, I believe it is purely innocent and he just wants to be close to his dad. But, it is totally inappropriate in my opinion as well. Also, I feel concerned that the way these kids are parented keeps them very 'immature'. Most things, I can live with, but with his 12 year old son in our bed. I can deal with the constant fighting between his kids, with making their lunches and meals and all that and being even 'unappreciated', but I can't accept the inappropriate situations.
Yes, I feel concerned how my own 8 year old could see this and also about telling his dad!!! it's crazy how this could be misinterpreted.
Then, my boyfriend says that's why it's better we live in apartments one next to each other but not in the same house, so I can have my own space when I need to!!!
ARGH...!!!
This is CRAZY! Even my SS6
This is CRAZY! Even my SS6 has never slept in my bed. Heck, BS 9 months sleeps in a baby cot. Please leave this man NOW. It is sooo creepy to be in the same bed with a teenage boy. What if his mother accuses you of sexual abuse?
Lady, I'm sorry but you need
Lady, I'm sorry but you need some help if you are willing to subject yourself to this sort of lifestyle. :sick:
Don't move in next to him.
Don't move in next to him. That's crazy. Move far, far away, and after the kids are all out of the house, if the two of you are still single, maybe the two of you can date.
Echo is right, it is wrong on
Echo is right, it is wrong on all levels. You don't share your bed with your kids...maybe if they're little and ill...but you certainly NEVER share your bed with someone eldest. You are opening yourself up to accusations of all sorts. Don't sell your house, get away from this man, there is something really freaky about any adult in bed
with a child of 12!!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your replies, I am so close to tears... I feel really sad and I just wish he would see this situation clearly. I know that when I bring up anything about his kids he just becomes even more 'protective' of their 'rights' and their space... and attacks me back in return and blames me for not connecting with them. In fact, I am connected to them, they do like me a lot, and they love my son too, just SD6 has a bit of jealousy about me being around her dad. I can deal with her behavior, but I can't deal with him blaming me when she goes and lies to him about something I did, like their 'trust thread' is much stronger than the one we have as a couple. SD6 is also known to be a BIG liar, about everything, and a big attention seeker, so I go through all of it with her. I can deal with her ok, but I hate when he looks at me with blame and spews back accusations at me.
Then with SS12 in our bed, I just feel disgusted. I know parents see their children very differently and often 'younger' than they really are, but SS12 is already interested in girls!!! It's just too freaky and I think I will address it again tonight, tell him it's a deal breaker for me. All I am asking for is that he goes in SS12's bed instead. And then again, even if my son's dad found out about that he could be concerned for my son. This could just be tweaked in so many dangerous ways, I won't tolerate it. Not to mention I feel incredibly uncomfortable. I would never have my 8 year old sleep or cuddle between us!!!
Also, their mother is incredibly manipulative and is seeking sole custody, so I am always terrified of how things could go.
But also, I feel really afraid he won't really ever commit to marriage because of the kids, even in several years... And I want something more.
I know it's been over a year,
I know it's been over a year, but I am suffering a very similar situation with my boyfriend of 2 years. His son is 11. Wondering how things are going for you now. We live apart but are talking about moving in together at the end of the year. Just don't feel right about it while his relationship with his son is so physical.
Thanks for your input!
Lol, I like to sleep in satin
Lol, I like to sleep in satin lingerie... can't do that with SS12 in our bed!!!
Yep. You get in first in your
Yep. You get in first in your little skivvies and when daddy joins you he will be much too busy to let skid in his marital bed again.
BF would rather pass up on
BF would rather pass up on his woman in lovely lingerie to snuggle with a 12 yr old?!! :jawdrop: What's wrong with him?!
If this man has not committed to you within your 3 year relationship then he never will. He is slapping proviso's on your relationship and is blackmailing you into submission because of your fear of losing him. While at the same time DS8 has a front row seat on how to treat your woman like a cheap hooker. OFCOURSE he wants you to move next door. That way he doesn't have a nagging partner, he gets to indulge in massaging his ego by letting his children turn into wild beasts and becomes hero daddy of the moment AND he gets sex on tap without the commitment (oh let's not forget he's busy keeping BM sweet by not forcing the divorce through)!
Is this what you want in your life? You dancing to your OH's dysfunctional tune with ruined feet?
Have some respect for yourself and stop letting him use and abuse you. Leave before he permanently damages you for your Mr Right.
You know what, you ARE
You know what, you ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! I started doing wayyyy too much for his kids, and he attention for me then goes down instead of up (lol). Time to focus on ME!