Please, speak up. I was in the exact situation you're in minus the married part, and I bit my tongue over and over. When I finally spoke my peace it was too late for me...my resentment level was off the charts.

Not speaking up has caused my relationship with my BF to deteriorate to a point that I don't think we can recover from.

I think as his wife living with his daughter you have every right to voice your concerns. I agree with Momzilla...you need to know whether your husband is willing to make changes to make things better. Really, he is doing the girl a disservice and the changes your asking for will benefit the girl as well as you...a win-win situation.

If he's willing to look at the situation I'd say you should find a good therapist familiar with stepfamily issues. We've gone to one and it's much more effective having a third party point out the problem (the therapist) vs. you...he's less likely to become defensive if things are delivered by a therapist.

If he's unwilling to make changes, then I guess you'll have to decide whether or not you want to stay with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Btw, Momzilla is right re the teen years...it's difficult to ride the drama even with your own kid, never mind a stepchild.

Let us know how you make out...good luck to you!

Yes, deal with this now. The child is acting out and needs to be parented. If she isn't - it will only get worse.

Absolutley Spunk. That little girl is scared and acting out in the only way she knows how to. JJO, you and DH need to show her what a family is all about. Give her love and boundaries and see her grow. Good luck.

Agreed- Speak up NOW!

Ok, you're married. You can't go back. You maybe should have seen the "red flag warnings," but you either chose not to, or thought he'd change, or whatever- hindsight is 20/20. Don't beat yourself up over it. Move forward with where you are TODAY...

And that is, you have a classic "Guilt Daddy." And he is in DEEP denial when it comes to his Precious Princess. You see it now. And trust me, biting your tongue is only going to breed resentment between you and him AND between you and his daughter. And it WILL doom your marriage.

If he refuses to see it, he's going to have be TAUGHT to see it. Get into counseling ASAP.
And no, "disengaging" isn't going to work, because this problem WILL get worse, and at age 5, these behaviors can actually be corrected pretty quickly if he's on board! Plus, it drives you crazy, and from what you describe, it doesn't sound like you'd be comfortable with just sitting back and letting this continue.

I tried the "biting my tongue" approach for years until DH finally saw the light. Let me tell you- it was a VERY BAD way to handle things with his three Precious Princesses, and by time he was ready to pull his head out of his butt, things got WAY out of control and I was almost ready to throw in the towel more than once. It was over FOUR YEARS of drama, nonsense, fighting, tears, and wasted time. Don't let that happen to you!

I agree with everyone else, speak up early, don't let your resentment build. However maybe speaking up in a way that doesn't make him feel you are picking on his parenting. Maybe tell him you don't agree with his method of parenting, but you understand it's his child and therefore his decision. You do however expect respect in what is now your home too and ask if he is willing to compromise on a few things that really make your blood boil.

Pick a few behaviors that are obviously not appropriate, discuss how each of you would personally handle it and then find an acceptable compromise.

For example, coming to the bedroom at night. This affects your sleep as well as isn't healthy for her to develope good sleep habits. If he can agree to discuss with her that it's not acceptable, and that he will immediately return her to her own bed with no discussion. She wont' stop immediately but you'll know he's working on it.

Tackle just the big things and only one or two at a time......if he is willing to make any concessions.

JJO...You and I on the same song different verse....Princess is 10 and lives full time with us. She seems to be getting worse. Smartass attutude and is complete oblivious to authority. I have learned to just ignore her and that just eats her up because she absolutely has to be the center of attention and when she is not she'll do some of the most inappropriate, ridiculous things I have ever seen to get attention. She used to be kinda sweet but that has started to be less and less. I can't even imagine what it will be like later on in the teen years.

So yes...definately try and talk to your DH...maybe you could make a difference.

I feel for you...I'm in the same situation with my 6 yr old SS, and my guilt parenting husband. At least your husband still sleeps with you when your SD is over - mine sleeps in SS's bed with him! Sickening...