Oh boy, I'd sit him down and tell him to let the lawyers handle it. If it's all he wants to talk about, it's going to get real old, real fast. Sounds like he's enjoying the attention speaking about this gets him.

Tell him that you are in a relationship wit him, and you don't want your relationship consumed by what BM has done, is doing, or will be doing--otherwise, you will need to take some time away from him because he's obviously not ready to have a relationship given how much this rules his life.

Sorry, it sucks. I sometimes get yelled at by FDH because he says "Stop talking about her! I don't want our relationship to revolve around what fuckface (his nickname for BM) will or will not do! I don't want to hear her name ever if it doesn't solve a problem!" when I get a little out of hand about wondering what BM is plotting.

Tell him, if there isn't anything he can do about it right now, leave it alone. The more he talks about her and lets it rule his life, the more power she has over him.

First off - when the feelings of guilt start creeping in, make sure to tell yourself (and BELIEVE it!) that it is not YOUR fault. This type of psycho BM would have reacted the same way to ANY attempt from your BF to move on with his life.

Secondly, I would make sure that he knows how you need to have a break from all the drama. Tell him that you don't want to give BM free rent in your head space and that all this talk of her is taking away from YOU building YOUR relationship.

Thirdly, that is horrible of him to give YOU a puppy for VDay and then tell the skids that it is THEIR puppy. I would definitely tell him how you feel on that one. Ask him if he'd be happy if you bought him a gift and then told someone else that they get to share that same gift with HIM!

It makes sense--the children are not there to see you so yo are not obligated to stay. He's not doing his job by being conscientious to you and your feelings.

con·sci·en·tious   [kon-shee-en-shuhs, kon-see-]
adjective
Synonyms
1. just, upright, honest, faithful, devoted, dedicated. 2. See painstaking.

More than love, more than like, more than the butterfly feelings of dancing around in passionate love, responsibility and conscientiousness to the people in your life is of UTMOST IMPORTANCE. I cannot stress this enough.

If something doesn't feel good to you, and your BF will not do anything about it, then your only route is to disengage, which includes leaving if the children are there. But always remember to communicate with him first before you do so, so he knows where you're coming from. If he chooses not to, then you do as you see fit, be it leave the relationship, or leave when the kids come over.

This is his problem, and his inability to protect your feelings--and if he can't, then you must, so that you do not become resentful or angry. I would ask him if the puppy is yours or the kids. If it's the kids, then it is up to him and the kids to walk, feed, clean up after the dog. If it's yours, you will take care of it, but that means it is YOURS and that no one can touch it without your permission. Dropping a puppy is devastating to their bones and joints, if nothing else, for the safety of the poor thing, boundaries need to be set.

You're 26. And this is supposed to be the best/most fun time of your life. But it's not going to be, because you have to deal with a psycho BM, probably for the next 10 to 15 years. And you're going to look back when you're 40 on all the. Crap you've put up with to make the relationship work, and you're going to be sad that you threw the best years of your life away on drama that isn't even yours.

And you're going to be like, oh, but this is the bestest relationship besides the psycho BM. And you'd be right. But it's still a deal breaker.

Imagine if you got a great deal on the bestest house ever...but it's infested with rattlesnakes that you can't get rid of. Would you live in the house anyway and say its perfect besides the rattlesnakes? Or would you run away ?

That's just my two cents of course. Your. Feelings are totally normal, but if the BM is this psycho it is just going to get worse

Nah, mothering instinct. I don't even let my FDH feed my fish, (they're a fragile species) because I will freak if anything happened to them, they really are like my babies, fat, and cute, and cuddly (if fish could ever be cuddled.) So hell no would anyone touch anything of mine without my consent.

It's a matter of principle when it comes to what is yours, especially a living animal. Puppies need quite a bit of sleep too, so until it grows to a certain age, being constantly carried and played with isn't healthy. They're really like babies.

I HEAR you loud and clear! We deal with a crazy BM too and it bugs me when he is checking email at night or on weekends to see if she sent any shitty emails.....her emails are always nasty and get us all worked up so it is not something we look forward to but looks like DH does Go figure.
I was attracted to my DH for the very same reason too because he was a great father and my ex isnt....but now its ironic that that is the thing that bugs me.. he obsess over them, feels sorry for them all the time and lets them get away with stuff, makes excuses for them all because they are going back and forth and "going through a lot". Guess what kids are manipulative and they use it! But he cant see that.

And I have the same issue with my dog. Although he is not a puppy , he is my baby! and my 6 y old SD treats him badly like trying to pick him up or squeezing him, etc and he has a bad back leg too! I get really worked up and angry but my dog has learnt to growl at her and run away if she even comes close! LOL and I dont blame him!!!! But I can understand how you feel! In my mind I am screaming, "He is mine! take your dirty hands off him!" heheheeh

In conclusion, my advice,and i dont think you will like this, is you are still young and have your whole life in front of you. I know this guy is probably great and all but you are getting a package deal! These things only get worse as the kids get older Sorry if I am being brutal but this is a sad truth that I have realized the hard way. I am always second place when the kids are here, he doesn't have time for me or doesn't even want to spend time with me when they are here.... Is this how you want to live your life?

I am sorry if I hurt you or anyone with my reply but just my two cents. Hope you feel better soon!

Wow, I just joined and posted but your feelings totally mirror mine. I am financially dependent on DFH right now and though I love him, the kids issues have me staring out the window longing to get out, but then when I actually threaten to leave I can't do it. Not only for financial reasons but because I really don't want to lose what we have. I know the walking on eggshells feeling of wanting to scold or tell the step kids no but knowing it will just wake the sleeping monster and I will end up looking like the bad guy!!
I must say, the fact that it sounds like he is at least somewhat receptive and willing to try to change somethings to make you feel better sounds reassuring for you.

Everytime I try to to discuss these things, my bf puts up a wall and basically tells me he is the way he is and can't change the way he treats the kids. Sounds like you guys might have a chance at bending instead of breaking.