needs some advise
Hello everyone, I am new to this forum, and don't quite know all the abbreviations, so please bear with me
ok I need a bit of advise:
I have been married to my husband for 12 years, he has a son and I have 3 children but we have none together, his sons BM has been a thorn in my side for ever, when ever I have a problem with what is going on my husband gets very angry with me, the newest issue is; 4 days ago my husband had a health scare, it has been very scary but in the end it turned out to be a very simple problem, my husband had discussed the issue with his son who in turn discussed it with his BM, so then she calls my husband to make sure he is alright and disuss the problem....needless to say I was a tad annoyed. I do not have a problem with my husband disussing his health with his son, nor do I have aproblem with his son telling his BM however I have a problem with her calling my husband to discuss his health, my feeling is it is none of her business, when I told my husband how he felt he got very angry and started yelling told me I am acting like a school girl and if I do not stop he is leaving, that this is his sons mother and if she were sick he would want to know... I feel that this was a very personal issue that my husband and I were going through, I am very upset by my husbands reaction and the way he is treating me. Am I over reacting or do i have a right to be angry, not sure what to make of the whole he is leaving, or teling my to get over it or get out!.
His son is 20 years old
His son is 20 years old
that is exactly how I feel,
that is exactly how I feel, but yet my husband got furious with me for being upset and is threatening to leave if I stay upset...but at this point its more about the crap he says then the BM
No, no more child
No, no more child support....he is 20 years old. I think that there should be some boundries for BM once a child hits adulthood...there are no more Bday parties, no school issues or any of that so unless the child is sick or there is a serious issue with the child the BM dosn't have to call all the time...and quite frankly my husbands health issues should be worked out between him and I first before anyone else need to be involeved. And unless his health is seroius where it will affect his son terribly than it is none of her business.
In the very beginning of our
In the very beginning of our relationship, but while his son was a teenager no because he really needed his father and he gave his BM a hard time. it has bothered me she calls or has called every day 3/4 times a day but now that his son is an adult I don't see a need for it to be so often, I never called my kid BF for every little thing.. I just think that this health issue was a personal issue for us.
No problem in what I heard in
No problem in what I heard in your post UNTIL you talked about your husbands reaction..wow! He sounds worse than a chick, im sorry. Guess if I were you, I would get my husband in check with that behavior than deal with the other issues. No need for him to be painful when his spawn is of age. Good luck
I can see why you'd be upset.
I can see why you'd be upset. This is just the reaction my DH would have. Of course he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed would he? In my opinion you are upset because they were a family in a way you never will be and that hurts. You wish you could erase her and you can't. BM isn't thinking of your feelings and DH doesn't want to have to deal w them. His threats are out Of frustration. He wants you to stop acting jealous because there is no need to be in his mind. YOu are upset at his lack of understanding and caring. That''s what you've got us for! It will blow over. One word of advice...the smart Alec responses you learn on this site don't tend to go over well in real life.
It's called boundaries and
It's called boundaries and unfortunately, many DH's don't understand exactly what that means. When DH and I were first married and SD4 was coming to stay with us for the first time in our new home, BM told DH that she needed to come into our house to see where SD4 would be sleeping and spending her time. His response was a definite "NO". But that is when we were knee deep in a court battle with her and she was making grotesque false allegations against DH, myself and my two BSs.
Fast forward 3 years later. Not much has changed, other than her hatred for us has been taken out of the courtroom and onto the front porch during pick up times. She has never apologized for the awful and untrue things she said about all of us during the court battle and she continues to tell SD7 to be mean to me and BSs so that we will "just go away." So needless to say, I don't want that woman even on my front porch. We live in the country and I watched one day as BM and SD7 were walking back to her car during a pick up. I saw that they passed the car and headed straight to pet and feed the horses at the fence line. Now mind you, the fence line is no where near the driveway and I totally see this as stepping over the boundary. I'm sure SD7 is excited about the horses and wants to share that part of her life with BM. However, there are things at BM's house that she is excited about but DH would NEVER cross that boundary. BM's life, BM's house, is BM's and he will not intrude on it. But when I mentioned the unacceptable behavior to DH, he told me I was being ridiculous. So I spoke to SD7 about it and explained to her that DH doesn't go into BM's backyard because it's not his place to be and therefore, BM shouldn't be wandering around on our property. That very weekend that I spoke to SD7, she drug BM straight to the horses when she picked her up and I was standing right there. BM's boyfriend even got out of the car and joined them. I asked DH if he could talk to BM about it and he again told me I was being ridiculous.
So here is what I did. The last time my ex came to pick up the BSs, I let him right in the front door. Of course, I didn't let him past the entryway, but you could see DH's face turn ghostly white. Apparently, he doesn't like my ex crossing boundaries either. Difference being, my ex and I both act like adults, get along and co-parent well together. But still, there are boundaries.
So your poor DH needs a boundary test. Come up with something that will make him understand how you feel.
that idea sounds great the
that idea sounds great the only problem is not much bothers DH...and unfortunatly my childrens BF has passed away..many time I wish I could let DH get a good dose of it right in his face...I have spoken, written and even been silent to get my point across that his reaction is totally unacceptable, not much seems to matter he actually gets worse, the more I try. He thinks I am being childish and maybe my initial reaction was in his eyes but to me it is a boundry issue. DH & BM were never married and I think were only together for a year. So as far as I am concerned my husbands health is none of her business (by the way it is only a hernia) even though they gave him a scare. We have been together 13 years and even though I never gave him a child I certainly have given alot and enough that I deserve some privacy and respect! He thinks cause he apologizes in one breath then turns around while breathing fire in the next breath how horrible I am and the stupid ass can't figure out why I am mad..its rocket science i guess!!!!
I'm going to assume this
I'm going to assume this problem that hubby had was thought to be life threatening not just a stubbed toe. Like the 'heart attack' which was really indigestion.
If he can communicate with his ex-wife on a friend to friend level I think you should thank your lucky stars. It can only help your husband recover from a serious illness to have people expressing concern and offering help.
It was a moment to put relatively minor issues and jealousies aside and focus on the real and immediate problem.
Fortunately it apparently turned out to be less of a threat than originally thought and things will go back to normal. My advise is to tell your husband you over-reacted from the stress and you hope his son didn't send back any negative messages to his mother about how you handled the situation.
Always take an opportunity to smooth relations among people who are going to be in your life until one of you dies.