Never hugged SS10.....
Ok, so I need another opinion since the online Sparents understand some things. This one is a lil diff, but I wanna put it out there since I think I am the only one, well in my mind anyway. I even might be and that's fine, but I want to see your guys thoughts.
Since my SS10's BM killed herself close to a year ago I haven't hugged him. She has been such a piece of work his whole life that in a way I don't feel any remorse that she's gone. My SS knows DH and I HATED her. The thing is I haven't hugged him yet. I can't bring myself to do it. I've been told repeatedly that I need to and I have thought about it, I just can't do it.
When she died I made him a mini album of her since I figured he didn't have many pics of her to remember. (NOT THAT SHE SHOULD BE REMEMBERED, but it's his mom and he should remember her and their times together) That was kind of my way of saying sorry about your mom.
I wrote a little note and attached it to the album, BUT, I have never hugged him.
I will say GN and GB, but no hugs. My BD6, I hug every night. She gives DH and I hugs everytime we walk out the door, she's been doing it for as long as I can remember. I feel bad that I haven't hugged him, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like sometimes I am crossing the "mom" boundaries and that I guess I am waiting for him to feel comfortable enough to do it first.
He lost his mom, I should be able to do it as an I'm sorry kinda thing. I just can't do it. My husband hugs him all the time, but not me. I think he needs tons of hugs and I feel bad sometimes but I can't do it.
On the other hand I haven't accepted him there fully yet. I see his BM in him, so I could see why I can't do it. But he's a kid so I should be able to do it, but I CAN"T.
Any thoughts?
To me it's a big deal b/c I
To me it's a big deal b/c I can't bring myself to WANT to do it. I can hug almost every kid, but him. DH and I have been through so much crap with his BM that the feeling has never been there to actually do it b/c of her and all the drama she's caused.
I thought about doing it and he is a kid that def. needs it, but haven't. A hug is not something that even needs thinking, it's something that you just do. NOT FOR ME, in this case. Not a partial hug, not a side hug, nada.
He hasn't been around his whole life and has only spent the night before he came to live with us 2x's so there was no hugging before he came. So it's nothing out of the ordinary to not hug.
I think there are Sparent boundaries in certain cases and when I said "mom" boundaries, I meant it more like in a way that he is betraying his mom b/c he knew she hated us and we hated her. Since we have been through a ton of things with her I feel like he would think I am trying to take her place since she's gone and not more of it as just a nice reg hug. He doesn't like being by us as it is so I think it should be more of an easing into it's way kinda thing and not more of a forceful thing.
There is no wrong time for a hug, but there are times that you wanna do it and can't. I haven't accepted him being there fully so I can't force myself to give him a hug.
I feel the same way with my
I feel the same way with my SD. She has hugged me a couple of times and I'm not a total monster so I hug her back even though my stomach turns a little when it happens. Maybe instead of hugs, try a little rub on the back or tossle his hair. He may be more inclined to initiate the hug if he sees you as affectionately approachable. If he does hug you make sure you don't pull away. That was a fear of mine as well because it would only hurt the kid.
I think a lot of us SM's feel like we do about our skids because of the hell their BM's put us through. We know it's not the skid's fault but we have endured so much in the name of "what's best for skid" that we associate them literally, with pain and all sorts of other negative feelings. It sucks for everyone involved.
Awesome suggestion !
Awesome suggestion !
Maybe some day when you feel
Maybe some day when you feel like it is the right moment, just ask HIM if it would be alright if you hugged him. I think part of your avoidance is coming from the fact that you are not quite sure how he is going to react: Will he be thrilled because he is craving the gesture from you as a mother figure? or will he be uncomfortable as he feels like he is betraying his mother in some way?
I think that he is certainly old enough to decide for himself. What's the worse that can happen? He tells you no, I really don't want a hug.. ok well at least you don't have to feel guilty anymore for not doing it.
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel. With me I would not offer any kind of affection if it doesn't feel sincere. And hugging SD would not be sincere.
But maybe with the anniversary of losing his mom coming up maybe you can use that to create a more sincere and out of the normal context of your life opportunity to initiate a hug, then it might feel more sincere and not ackward. Kind of like saying you know that the last years been hard and you are there for him.
But I don't think you should stress over it. Your daily actions of caring for him speak louder than a lack of a hug.
Thank all of you for the
Thank all of you for the responses. They are ALWAYS appreciated especially since a lot of us have the same problems and it sometimes seems like we are the only one with the problem until you read the responses and it's like phewwww, it's not only me. hehe
I have done the high five thing a couple times so that part is ok. The hug is just the boundary for me. An I love you too. I agree with you ASTEP I don't wanna do it if it's not sincere b/c for one he will know it's a pity hug and for two I would only want to give a hug if I meant it. When people say it's easy to do it, it's really easier said then done. When you have a situation that comes along with it, it's like pulling teeth to just be nice, let alone affectionate. How do you just say poof, everything is so much better now that your living with me, lets forget about your whole life before here and HUGGGGGGGGGG........NO, it doesn't happen like that.
I wish I could tell my DH all of what I feel and him actually understand it. I have told him partially how I feel and it was like he was so defensive and mad. It's like, I am trying to be honest and your getting mad. I know it's not something you wanna hear, but if I am actually telling you then it means I want to talk about it and be honest. If he heard all of what I think he would probably go into cardiac arrest...hehe. Not funny, but men can't handle the truth. It's like he thinks like this; how hard is it when you just have to help him with homework, you give him a hug, tell him when he's wrong and your done, HOW HARD IS THAT? He's in la-la land b/c he's so happy to have him that he doesn't see most of the stuff. Me, ready to be in run-away land and start fresh. I love him so much and don't want to get a divorce, but i tell ya it's always sneaking into my mind. I think all of you can relate.
It might come easier with
It might come easier with time, but then again the longer you put off showing him affection the harder it may get to ever do it.
You say this kid needs hugs. Well, my suggestion would be when you see him get down about something just say, "I'm so sorry you feel bad. I know it's tough. Wanna a hug?"
And ya, it feels awkward at first. When the skids first started hugging me, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't feel like hugging them, but I hugged them back and now, it's the most natural thing. It's good for them and it's good for me too.
I understand not wanting to give a hug if the affection truly isn't there. But I say, fake it til you make it. That's what I did and eventually the awkwardness went away.