New here and hoping to find some advice.
I am married with 5 kids, 2 of my own and 3 SC.
My 2 live with us as do 2 of my wife's (eldest SS lives away)
My kids do not have a mum as she passed away at an early age, we have all been living together now for about 6 years and as the kids are getting older it is getting tougher.
All the kids are good kids and all have their little issues but my SD(10) and SS(11) do not respect me, answer me back and have the audacity to argue with me and lie to my face to either get out of trouble or get my 2 into trouble. My son and SS have been at each others throats since day one! They are absolute chalk and cheese! Not just saying this because he is my son but my son knows when to stop, my SS on the other hand just does not know, he winds everyone up he push's and push's he is immature and has no empathy at all and is the first to take the mick or laugh at others faults.
And my kids also tell me that my wife always picks on them when I am not around when there is an arguement, which is natural I suppose but when I am at home with them all it is always my SS and SD that starts everything. Ok my 2 are not angels and may get the arse or give a funny look when being told off but never do they shout scream or answer back. My SS either resorts to pushing or hitting and SD is just so stubborn she will just repeat stuff over and over again even when I threaten her with punishments. My son and SS have a day off today and my son has gone to his grandmas because he can't stand to be with his SB yet his SB has no idea why my son doesn't want to be with him for the day. He seriously doesn't know how he effects everyone in the house.
My wife says she will keep on top of her 2 but never really does and always has an excuse for their behaviour. I know she doesn't love my 2 and to be honest even though they are generally good kids I can not stand her 2 I have tried and I am still trying, I love my wife to bits and want to stay with her but I seriously don't know if I can deal with this as they get older! I have even had reports from people that my 2 have told them that they are unhappy but won't tell me because they don't want to upset me.
Any time I try to talk to my wife she gets defensive and says I am picking on her kids when I am not! Sorry but if you mess around more then you get told off more! She really can't see it or won't.
This is killing me as I love my kids and want them to be happy and I love my wife too!
This is a really difficult
This is a really difficult situation, I feel for you & I doubt there are any clear, easy options. I have a similar fiasco at my house, fewer, younger kids, but similar dynamics nonetheless. I'm curious how your wife interacts with your kids? Any issues of jealousy or competition? I'd address the issue with SS 11 directly- & establish that your son has privacy & is rewarded for having manners, being cooperative, whatever. Conflicts & tattle telling at our home because such an issue that I began having the kids submit a grievance, with a detailed explanation of the issue- their suggested remedy, signatures & any other formality you can come up with. Maybe try & address the grievances in a Mock meditation type setting? I'd also recommend posting clear & visible house rules, & follow through with disciplining SS & SD until they can wrap their minds around the fact that you & your wife mean business. Your wife likely feels defensive about her kids & the need to shield them from criticism, especially if you're kiddos are pretty stable & generally well behaved, responsible kids. If writes kids are the ones causing most issues- she's going to feel slower defensive that her kids are often the ones in trouble or causing issues. You might try praising the SS & SD verbally anytime you can find an example of helpful behavior- they may react well to the change in your typical interaction with them, (chances are they may not be receiving much praise or positive interactions). Hang in there, it is tough,
Welcome. I hope you find
Welcome. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
I would try web cams. Put them up in the places where the conflicts tend to occur. After you get enough footage watch it. That should give you a good idea of how you behave, how your DW behaves and how the kids all interact.
Once you have some clarity then you can adjust your on behavior as needed and demostrate to your DW her own behavior and address the kids too.
If SS is the problem then his behavior will be readily aparent on the video and you can bare his ass accordingly. His mom may need to see it on video to actually recognize his behavior for what it is.
You never mentioned the age of your children. What are their ages and could a difference in ages be part of the problem between SS and BioSon?
I have the total opposite in
I have the total opposite in my home - everyone ignores the other and hides in bedrooms. But I have noticed one thing over the years and that is that when the two oldest sons (ss and bs) live under one roof it can be like having two alpha male dogs in one pen. They are trying to "fight" for the dominate position, starting in their teens. My two younger boys (ss and bs) are fine in one household, basically ignoring one another.
My DH and I often have the whole yours versus mine arguments too. My DH treats ss16 like he has the golden spoon in his mouth and he can do no wrong and I will tell you from first hand experience as the mom in the home, it causes great resentment inside me. Ss16 is super polite, goes to church, has a golden haired gorgeous gf who is 4 yrs older then ss but DH just thinks this is fine even tho they were having sex back when ss was 15 but of course dh thinks they go to church so they don't have sex and all is ok), says things like "it would be my pleasure" when asked to do chores, etc. In DH's eyes this kid does NO WRONG; the rest of us see him for what he is though b/c when DH is not around this kid is NOT golden.
Thus I would say installing cameras might be just the thing b/c unbeknownst to you, your own kids might be the the fire starters in a lot of the squabbles that go on in your home. Not by actually doing anything but just by the fact that you act like your kids do no wrong is causing resentment in your wife and thus in her kids.
Thanks for the replies
Thanks for the replies guys,
Re last post! I am in no way blinded by seeing my kids in a golden light, I know they are not complete angels believe me. My ss and sd are always in trouble because they cause it! Between my 2 and each other. They know this as had many chats with all of them and theyadmit it. But because they mess around so much they need to take it out on my 2 beca
Use they are always in trouble and dont like the fact that my 2 dont get in so much trouble.
I have tried family talks and 1 to 1 talks, tried to be more understanding and more loving used every possible strategy! And I know what I am doing because I work with special needs and kids with behaviour problems.
Webcams a possible route i suppose.
Not blowing my own trumpet but I do everything to help everyone else in the house be as happy as possible but its so hard.
My son tried to hang himself over a year ago and attempted to run a way and we put it down (and the counsellors did) to him losing his mum as thats what he said it was!
What if I was wrong and it was this issue that sent him over the edge?
I'm sorry stepdad13, just
I'm sorry stepdad13, just wanted to make sure. It's so hard balancing bios and steps. I find it is a daily ordeal for me. Bs18 was suicidal for awhile too, not from lose of a parent but from lose of our intact home. My xh was a real nasty one and took me for all I was worth, I had to crawl back up out of the hole of life he dumped me into. Bs18 was extremely protective of me and still is and hates his bio dad for everything. The pain is going away but the scars are still very tender.