New to page and in desparate need of help
I am recently married for the third time. I have 2 DD's and my husband has 2 sons - my stepsons. I am having a lot of difficulty with his oldest son (16) and the lack of discipline I am seeing. My oldest stepson has failing grades, misses school without permission, and is now stealing personal items from our bedroom and my teen daughter's room. My husband seems to focus on my short comings as a step parent and how I need to allow him to discipline his son. The problem for me, is that I'm not really seeing any discipline and his son's behavior continues, actually worsens, and sets a bad example for the other children in the household and negatively impacts us all as well. As mentioned, he steals from the other members in the house and the other teens see him "getting away with" failing grades and missing school. When I addressed concerns with my husband this past week, he found numerous resources telling me about my role as a step parent. This raises many issues for me. First, I am an adult and have every right to have a say in what will go on in my home. Besides, I am raising children in this home as well and I don't think separate rules helps to blend our family. Second, why is all the pressure and responsibility placed on the step parent? What are the roles and expectations for the biological parent? Is it too much for me to expect my husband to follow through with discipline when house rules are broken by his children? Help!!!
First of all you need to make
First of all you need to make plans NOW as to what happens when SS is 18. Does your DH think that you will provide a home for him indefinitely? If so you are trying to swim with ankle weights on. Any parent who wants to keep their child at home and never let them grow up into a responsible adult is unlikely to ever be a good spouse.
And if your DH does in fact want his son to become an adult then the son needs to accept responsibility for the life he is going to lead.
As for the dismal school performance let him AND the rest of the household be aware of the life consequences of such actions. Unless there is a parent around to keep them "in diapers" forever a lazy non-educated little prick is not going to have a great life.
Use SS as a "good" example of what "bad" actions can do to you. This will only work if there truly are some consequences when he turns 18.
As for the theft - I'd call the cops on his ass in a minute.
Being new to the page, I
Being new to the page, I added comments to the original thread instead of replying to your comment. Oops. I just want to thank you! The articles and advice are great.
To answer some questions, we
To answer some questions, we have discussed what happens when the kids turn 18. It is the expectation that they either go to school and contribute to the household or get out. Free loading is not to be tolerated. However, I do worry about my husband following through if the time comes because he has not followed through with other expectations.
Here is one of the resources he read to me:
http://m.voices.yahoo.com/15-tips-stepmoms-handle-problems-step-4989756....
Don't get me wrong, it's nit that I disagree with what the article is saying, it's that I think I'm doing better than I get credit for and the focus should not be on me and what I need to do. The focus should have been on his son. And I think the bio parents get a free ticket when I read these how-to-be-a-step-parent articles. Personally, I think both adults should run the household as a team. There are expectations of me as a step parent, but there are also expectations of the bio parent that never seem to be addressed in these "helpful" articles.
To add some further incite to our situation, my husband and I work different shifts. I work day shift and he works 12 hour night shifts. We have 50/50 custody of the boys. So, this means hubby leaves for work and I'm here with the boys about once a week. I also have joint custody of my girls, but they are not always here the same days as the boys. Anyway, it's hard to read articles that say leave the discipline to him when I'm the one here with them.
I did set distinct boundaries yesterday and explained that I can't not care about his sons. One, I care about my step son regardless of his behavior. Two, I care about this family and don't want to see any child in this household negatively impact the others.
To my pleasant surprise, DH had a talk with SS before he went to work this evening. I heard him express true disappointment and frustration. He told SS this behavior will nit be tolerated. DH said SS will pay restitution for the items he stoke out of his own money and he will do community service in the form of household chores in addition to his normal chores this week. It does seem like we are making progress. I think one of the points that hit home, is that I told DH, "your son will be 18 and graduating HS (hopefully) in 2 years - are you you.g to let those 2 years cost you the next 50 with your wife?" Now, let's hope he follows through and assigns chores when he is off work tomorrow night.
Btw, I posted this via phone, so if autocorrect made anything weird, I apologize!
I just read the articles
I just read the articles posted on disengaging. THANK YOU! Exactly what I was looking for ... A way to take the focus off the expectations of me as the step parent and put focus back on my husband being a parent to his sons. Awesome.