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New step mum role and struggling with it and the ex

KG7's picture

Hi there

I’ve found this site and I was hoping I could vent on here a bit and get some views/opinions/advice and other peoples experiences. 

I’ve never done this before either. 

I appreciate I may well get judged unpleasantly, I just hope you’re not too harsh on me as I am open to feedback and reflection. 

 

So here goes: I have 2 kids from a previous marriage - daughter 13 and son 18, my ex and I divorced years ago (about 7 years ago) and I met my current partner nearly 4 years ago who is also divorced several years ago with 2 kids - boy 6 and boy 10. 

We now live together, my daughter lives with us and my son lives with his dad and my partners boys live with their mum. 

Neither of us want any more kids either and we both work full time - I work Mon to Fri and he works mon to sat. 

 

We both have very different parenting styles - fine each to their own. Me and my ex keep things very flexible, he sees our daughter as and when they both want/can and I see my son as and when we both want/can. 

It works really well for us and has never been a problem, the kids have always been happy with it. They feel they have freedom with the relationships they both have with us and can make their own choices and me and my ex can also make our own choices. I don’t interfere with his life and tell him what to do and when to see the kids etc and he doesn’t do that to me either. We simply leave each other to it. 

 

However, my partner and his ex wife have a totally different set up which I struggle with at times. She schedules every thing to do with the boys - who they’re with, when they’re with them, what they’re doing when they’re there and how long they’re there for. 

It’s usually every other weekend they’re with us but she can change it when ever she wants. 

So I can’t make plans with my partner because  if I suggest to him that we go out one weekend or go for a meal one weekend evening then he’ll say I can’t coz I don’t know if I’ve got the kids that weekend. We can’t go away coz he’ll say I can’t coz I don’t know if I have the kids that weekend. 

Weekdays are difficult to go out due to work the next day and early mornings. Plus a lot of his weekday evenings are also scheduled. 

When the boys are here we have no say in what we do their mum has already decided what we’re doing, they have sports every Sunday morning that she arranged, my partner has some Sundays that he doesn’t want to do it coz he’s knackered or not feeling too well and I’ll say well don’t take them then, it’s your choice but he says he has too. If I suggest we do some thing else with them he says we can’t coz of the sports and/or she wants them back at this time. If I suggest they stay longer he says no coz she wants them back. 

 

I tried to do a film night for us all one Saturday evening and when the boys went home their mum complained to him that she didn’t like the choice of film and next time to check with her and she’ll suggest some films for us to watch. 

I haven’t bothered doing it since. 

 

I can’t make them food as apparently I don’t do it right, very fussy eaters and either the mash is too buttery or I haven’t cut the pizza right. 

 

I spent one day doing arts and crafts with them making a mini dinosaur garden for them to take home and the next time I saw them I asked them how their gardens growing and they said their mum binned it. 

 

I feel so shut out. 

 

I feel so controlled some times too and suffocated that I have no control or say over my life and relationship. 

 

If things don’t go her way she has proper tantrums over it. The boys weren’t invited to my daughters 13th birthday so she rang him crying about how unfair that was and demanding that he makes her invite them. I don’t expect her to be invited to their birthdays and nor does my daughter expect to be invited either. 

 

My son invited us out for a meal one weekday evening to meet his new gf and I put it on social media and my partners ex wife had a go at him again crying and saying how unfair it was that the boys weren’t invited to it. 

I no longer tag him in social media posts now to avoid the backlash. 

 

Am I being selfish and unfair and unreasonable? 

 

There is no flexibility with the arrangement of visitation either it feels so rigid and militant. She can cancel weekends and re arrange weekends as and when she wants but we can’t, she can increase or decrease pick up and drop off times as and when she wants but we can’t, so we literally have to live to her schedule, if we ever try to change or reschedule a weekend or evening she rings him up guilt tripping him about not wanting to spend time with the boys and how hard every thing is and how she needs a break and how he’s not prioritising the boys. 

When they’re here our routine goes out the window and it becomes their routine. I’ve always said to my kids if you go over some one’s house remember it’s their house, their rules, they’re ways not yours so be respectful of that, it doesn’t matter whose house it is either - friends, grandparents or whoever.

 

Am I being controlling that I want more flexibility and control over my life and my relationship? 

 

It feels some times like our lives revolve around his ex wives parenting attitude towards their boys, we get no say with what happens in our lives, it’s being decided by her, and I have kids too and I’m divorced so I understand about parenting but I dont expect the world to revolve around them and I don’t raise my kids to feel like the world does or should revolve around them either and I don’t feel I have the right to decide how my ex husband lives his life, or parents our kids whilst with him. I leave their relationship with their father between them, it’s none of my business imo. I know my kids are older but they weren’t always these ages they were younger once upon a time, when me and their dad split up they were younger. 

 

We get next to no quality time together or space or freedom coz the boys are either with us or he’s over their house during the week doing the school run and waiting for her to get home as she goes out after work, or he’s out at sports matches with them, Or he’s home but then online gaming with them. 

And like I said he can’t say no to them or her and when he has tried all hell kicks off with her and I feel sorry for him coz the guilt tripping and the crying and the barrage of emotional crap she throws at him. 

She has said to him that the boys happiness and wants are her priority and should be his priority too. 

 

(I personally disagree with that, it’s not a parents job to make sure their kids are in a permanent state of happiness with every thing they want when they want it but it does seem to be their parenting philosophy) 

 

It’s like either the boys or their mum tells him to jump and he’s right there asking how high, it doesn’t matter the affect on him or any one around him)

 

If I ever try to have this conversation with him he gets very defensive and protective and shuts down. If I ever try to make an alternative suggestion he gets snippy. 

I don’t want to make his life harder, or behave the way she does by throwing my toys out the pram and nor do I want to seem critical coz I know it’s hard and I have tried to form a relationship with them but I’m shut down every time or criticised and some times I find this whole set up hard and oppressive and I don’t really understand how this is meant to be good and healthy for any one involved? 

On the two Sundays he gets off a month he’s so exhausted he just sleeps and I feel sorry for him coz his life doesn’t need to be or shouldn’t be this hard and demanding. 

There’s no respect or consideration for him from either his boys or their mum, and consequently none for me either. 

I’d hate things to be like this with my ex and I know my kids would too as I’ve asked them. 

My parents divorced when I was a kid too and neither of my parents behaved like my partner and his ex wife, I would have hated it if they had. 

 

So far my coping strategy has been to completely back off as I don’t want to make his life harder or feel like I’m making him choose between me and his kids or put him in a situation which gives her reason to emotionally batter him so I keep quiet now and leave them all to it and just focus on my life and when he wants/can fit me in I’m here but it’s not the life I envisaged for myself. 

I try to provide him with nurturing support when he’s run down and tired from it all etc but like I’ve said I do get fed up of it all at times and I’m finding myself becoming distant and I don’t want to coz I do love him, he’s a great man and caring and loving but I feel he’s so emotionally beaten and manipulated and he thinks by being like this he’s being the perfect dad. May be he is? May be I’m wrong? 

 

What’s other people’s views …

 

Is this whole situation normal amongst divorced parents and it’s me with the problem? 

 

Am I being selfish and unfair? 

 

Am I being controlling? 

 

Am I wrong with how I feel and what I’d like? 

 

Am I being unreasonable with wanting more autonomy over our shared life together and wanting more time together with him? 

 

Do you think things will change as his boys get older? 

 

Am I the terrible parent thats never prioritised my kids constant state of eternal happiness and made sure they’ve always had every thing they want and be the centre of the universe? 

 

Also sorry for the long post and apologies for no abbreviations but I don’t know what the abbreviations for certain words are lol.

ESMOD's picture

1.  It's really difficult to manage when people aren't sticking to a preset custody schedule.  Reasonable shifts to accomodate very special events not withstanding.

2.  You should by all means NOT do any thing that is intended to forge any bond with your SO's EX.  She does not want you to send the kids home with arts and crafts projects..  enjoy the kids to the extent they enjoy doing things with you in your home.. and leave it at that.. don't send trophies to his ex

3.  Your SO had kids with her.. so he gets to deal with her objections in your home.. HE is the parent.. and I don't care whether it was you that suggested the film they saw.. as their FATHER.. it was up to him to allow or not allow and decide what was appropriate.. and it is up to HIM to tell his EX to stuff it when she tries to control what happens in his home.

Don't take out your frustrations with her attempt to control your home on the kids.. but neither should you overly go into MOTY (mother of the year) territory with them... be pleasant.. and support your husband having his children for visitation.. but I would not be playing a huge mother role with them.. but sure you can do fun things with them if they like it..

but be mindful that doing "too much" can be viewed as trying to one up their mom.. and you can expect some fallout for that.. it may mean you do less.. and that's kind of sad.. but we all deserve a drama free life.

KG7's picture

Thanks for your advice. 
There is no custody schedule it's just arranged between them. Same as just arranged between me and my ex. 

yeah I understand your point about sending stuff home, I hadn't thought of it like that as trophies, I didn't intend that at all. I was just doing it with my daughter and so got them one to do too and they wanted to take them home, I didn't think any thing of it but yeah point noted now. 
 

the film was a joint decision between all of us me, him and the boys. We all thought it would be nice but since her objection I'm reluctant in case it's not a film she approves of and I don't want to give her more control over our home and time by deciding what we watch. Is that petty of me? 
 

yeah I don't want to make her feel I'm trying to one up her but I do want to get along with them and be part of their time with us. If I'm doing some thing then include them, if I'm cooking tea then cook theirs too, if we fancy going out some where then have the freedom to do that rather than have her schedule and dictate their time with us. Is that wrong of me? 

ESMOD's picture

I get that the schedule thing is flexible for both of you... unfortunately.. we see on this site more often than not that this can lead to a lot of uncertainty.. and a lot of stepparents start to resent not being able to have stability and make plans because they don't know from day to day.. week to week or month to month.. what they will be doing.. if they have kids or not.. if they can plan vacations.. how to deal with work trips.. and other obligations etc..  In the end.. with a HC ex like his.. I think moving to a set and firm custody plan will improve your lives greatly.

And.. I do get your intent on the nice projects.. but I think you do need to consider that she likely did not view them the same way.. and I had a HC ex to deal with.. if she thought I was doing nice things for her girls.. she made them miserable about it.. so I had to be super low key to not cause a lot of drama for my DH and his kids.  Again.. like I said.. it's sad that as SP we have to be cautious like that to not poke the BM bear.

and.. again with the movie nights.. I can totally understand if you don't want to go to planning stuff like that.. but your SO should have clearly told his EX that HE thought the movie was appropriate.. and as long as there were no issues with the rating and their ages.. then his EX has no right to tell him what movie or tv show etc.. that he allows his kids to see.. and he should have straight up told her that when she called complaining.   "Thanks for your input, but I will decide what is appropriate for the kids in my home.. A PG film is appropriate for kids their age".

I don't know the age of his kids.. but he may have to start giving them the message that both homes deserve to exist with a certain amount of privacy.. that he doesn't expect to hear about every detail of ever TV show or meal they eat at their mom's.. and he doesn't expect them to relay every minute of their visitation with him to her... He is not asking them to keep secrets.. but that as parents.. you have rights to live your lives without feeling someone is always looking over your shoulders (in age appropriate terms of course).

 

Kaylee's picture

To ESMOD:

I think OP was just trying to do something nice with/for her partners kids.

Why term it as "sending home trophies" or "trying to forge a special bond"?

Again, OP was just trying to be nice. Period

ESMOD's picture

I termed it that way because I believe that is the way the EX took it.. not that it was the way OP meant it.  I wanted to make the point that what she saw as being "nice" could be seen as otherwise by a high conflict EX... and to be mindful that some things will be viewed that way.. no matter how she really intended it.. and to be aware of that. 

I do understand she was trying to be nice.. but obviously the EX has other feelings on the matter.  

We see on here quite often a stepparent resents something sent along with the kids... as it's like marking territory it goes both ways.. a bio parent may also resent what a step sends home with their bios.

Kaylee's picture

When new people are obviously struggling with the complexity of their situation, and join the forums to share their story, we need to be welcoming and supportive.

By all means offer a perspective on how the BM may view actions, but choose words carefully. Don't kick someone when they are down.....saying things like "sending home trophies" and "forging a bond" just serve to make the OP feel worse.

 

JRI's picture

Welcome!  Your BM is a very controlling person and your BF is afraid of rocking the boat, afraid of her and fears losing contact with the boys.  It isn't even good for the kids.

Does he have a CO?  Bottom line, you have a BF problem.  You're not wrong and your reactions are normal.  Nothing will change til he sees the light and puts down sound boundaries (no controlling what they do on his time, limited contact with her based only on a few topics, scheduled visitation with no deviation, etc).  Frankly, many of these men dont have the guts or intelligence to implement these boundaries.  I'd hate to think what his finances are like, tell me he's only paying the court-ordeted CS.

Good luck, you sound like a thoughtful and caring person.

KG7's picture

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. 
no court order I think the Uk and US do it differently. When we divorce some one here there is no court order for visitation unless abuse issues or unless other extreme problems that require it for safety of kids. That's my understanding any way. Any other Uk people on here who know more please correct me if I'm wrong. 
regarding maintenance payments she tells him how much to pay each month, again it decided by divorced parents in Uk, only goes to the authorities generally if a parent refuses to pay any thing at all, when payment refusal happens then the authorities can step in and take it directly out of pay check and give straight to other parent. Again extreme cases. 
 

yeah that's how I feel that he's scared and I do understand it too but I don't know how to help him with it or help him see how unhealthy this is for every one involved including his own kids. 
will this get better in time as the kids get older? 

JRI's picture

Well, BM is ok with this situation, apparently your BF is ok with it and the kids sound ok with it, too.  So, you're the only one with a problem and I would be, too: unpredictable visitation, another person dictating things in my house, another person dictating how much $ goes out each month.

How to help him?  I don't know that he wants help.  On Steptalk, we often ask, "Has he done the work?"  Has he established a home where the kids are comfortable visiting?  Does he have a workable relationship with BM?  In your Bf's case, it doesnt sound like he's made the change to independent adult helpjng to parent his sons.  He's still doing BM's bidding and you're just along for the ride.  Its easier for him to go along to get along.

You two may be compatible but you're not his first priority, like we all deserve to be.  He's making the choice to prioritize his first family, indluding BM.  I had a similar situation with our BM, not easy or fun.  Ultimately, she remarried and dumped all 3 kids on us.  But your BM sounds more conscientious so I could see this going on ad the kids age.  

KG7's picture

Yeah every one does seem happy but me. I don't understand how he could be happy under so much control though but hey who am I to judge, may be he is. I know I'm not though. He always said she was controlling and that's why he left her in the first place but then I think she still controls you and every thing now. 
 

it's so hard and yeah I definitely don't feel a priority in his life at all. I get what's left after he's gone out his way to please the boys and their mum.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Flexibility is great. It's great for the one who makes the decisions, anyway. With your bio-kids, you (and your ex) do, so it's great for you. With your SO's kids, his ex makes the decisions so it's great for her. To me, unless all parents and stepparents have equal say in the flexibility of the schedule and get along great, the best thing is to have, well, a schedule. One that doesn't usually change unless it's something important. Everybody knows where they are sleeping on any given night and they have the ability to make plans based on some reasonable amount of certainty. I would imagine the kids would benefit from some stability, too. 

KG7's picture

Yeah exactly it is great and I'm all for flexibility but it only applies to her not us and that's simply not fair. I'm all for her having flexibility and I'm all for the boys coming over and staying when she needs and when they want but I would also like it to be reciprocated, I would like her to be flexible with us too some times. I don't understand why only she's allowed that courtesy. Her controlling nature baffles me and I don't know how to get my partner to see it or stand up against it. 
I understand his fears regarding standing up to her and I understand his fears regarding what's the best way to parent (as she constantly questions his parenting it's going to knock your confidence) but I don't know how to help him with this. 

Evil4's picture

OK, so a lot to unpack here.

1) your SO has "not done the work." He has left his balls in his ex' purse. There's a saying here on Steptalk. Doing the work means that the split couple has done the work to make the split. They are no longer enmeshed, they have custody/court orders properly outlining the custody schedule. It's hell on earth to live in limbo not ever knowing when a kid can grace the ncp with his presence. Then the ncp parent lives constantly on edge afraid to do anything because their little poopsie might miss out or not want to do it if they show up. 

2) Your SO is allowing his ex to control everything. Your SO has totally abdicated his role and rights as a dad and 50% of the parenting equation. You are not putting him in the middle and don't let him claim that you are. He is because he has lost touch with his nutsack. He's a chickenshit to his ex and he is exhausted because he's constantly dancing to the tune of his ex and his kids. He's likely allowed his kids to have more power than they should as well. I'm curious to know why you're asking if you're being selfish, controlling, etc. If it's your SO trying to tell you that, then he's only trying to get you to stand back like a Stepford wife and eat shit. Be happy with pittance for attention. Don't say a word.

3) Your SO doesn't sound ready for a relationship. He needs to gain control of his divorced dad life. He can't have his cake and eat it to. If he doesn't have time for you because of running around in circles dancing to the tune of his ex and kids, where does that leave you? To get laid at night? To hell with that! He's not able to dad and partner at the same time. You have every right to expect to get your needs met as a partner when you become involved with them and your SO is not meeting those needs. You should not be chastized for having those needs, so if your SO is even hinting at that, he is the one who is unreasonable. He can't expect that he can drag some poor innocent woman into his mess that even he can't handle.

4) In my house, it didn't occur to me to not start my own traditions. You are the woman of your house: not your SO's ex. Take back your power. Start off by planning activities. "The car leaves for the pool and then library and then the pancake house at 4. Whoever is at the car with their swim bag at 4 on the dot is welcome to come." Period. End of story.  "Dinner to meet Aunt Lucy's new boyfriend at 6. Car leaves at 5:45. Be there or be square. Whoever wants to come is welcome, but car leaves at 5:45." So, like that. Whoever wasn't at my car when I was leaving didn't go. 

5) Your SO's ex likely knows how to make it so that the appearance of the boys at your SO's interferes with your SO's time with you. The lengths that HCGUBMs will go is unreal. I wouldn't put it past her to have figured out how to cockblock. And no, it won't get better. She's learned that what she does works. She won't stop until your SO wises up and stands strong in his boundaries or you leave. 

6) No things won't get better. Once a Disneyland Dad, always a DD. The issue that causes a dad to lose his balls is so deeply rooted that when the kids get older, the dad will sabotage any evolvement or maturity as a way to hang on to the kids. He'll deeply regret not having been able to live with them full time while they grew up that he'll desperately make things worse so that they might have to move in with good old Dad. Things will get worse. The toys get more expensive and the SM is the one expected to pick up the pieces and fund any retirement or vacations because the dad forked over too much money to the expensive toys like cars and uni for all of their kids. So, no. Things won't get better. They'll get worse.

Toss this one back. He's not ready. He would need therapy to get to the root of why he has allowed his ex to control his life and rather than get therapy to learn how to stand up to his ex and kids, he'd rather have you believing that you're the one causing him to be caught in the middle. How dare you have needs as a spouse?! So, yeah, toss this guy back. He's not ready. If you're still available when he's done the work to make himself a viable partner, then perhaps he can give you call, but he's not even close to being ready yet.

KG7's picture

No I don't feel like he's let go of her and untangled himself from her control either. 
he doesn't make me feel like I'm bad or making him choose or any thing it's just not a conversation he makes himself approachable for me to have with him as he gets defensive and I think he gets defensive because deep down he knows he's scared of her and scared of the control she has over him and their boys. 
it's abusive really. 
 

I tried to start our own traditions too especially at Xmas but he goes over his boys house at Xmas just for the morning though as he says they like to see him and. I was shocked personally but I tried to understand it and the one Xmas  during Covid he didn't go she kicked off major saying oh so you don't want to see your kids at Xmas then how do you think that makes them feel?!

insuggested they have Xmas day with her and Boxing Day with us or some thing similar but no it's easier this way apparently so every Xmas day he spends the morning over hers. 
 

every conversation I've had goes wrong as he doesn't understand and gets defensive, every suggestion I make gets trashed, every hint I drop goes unnoticed. 
 

yeah I'm not happy and I feel lost with it all 

 

Evil4's picture

Oh hell no on my SO spending Christmas with another broad. Right now I'm comforting a friend who is divorcing her husband after 24 years because during their entire marriage her H ran off to his ex' house to spend Christmas "for the girls." 

There is only so much "understanding" SMs need to have and that pattern of watching our SOs run out the door to spend Christmas with another woman is bullshit. I would not have it. And I would not accept any crap about how my SO isn't going to spend Christmas with the ex, he's going for the kids. My partner could put any spin on it he wants, but it's not a pattern I'm willing to accept. Total deal-breaker. Why have an SO if you can't spend major holidays with him and he runs off to another woman's house? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The kids could give a sh!t about who watches them open presents on the morning of December 25th. Like, they are going to fall into a depression if both mommy's and daddy's eyes aren't on them at exactly the same time? BS like this is for the parents, not the kids. You guys should be having your own celebrations instead of your DH playing happy couple with his ex while you wait at the house. Screw all that.

ETA why can't the kids be with Bm in the morning and you guys in the evening? Or Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? 

IAmTheMeanOne's picture

omg so weak.  he is scared of her?  what is he scared of?  they are divorsed...do they not have any type of custody order?  It's not like she can take off to Morocco in the middle of the night without repercussions. 

he goes over to her house on christmas am?  is he bringing her flowers as well?  this is weird.  i dont understand how you tolerate him ditching you to party at bm's house.  that is creepy.  it has nothing to do with the kids.  it has everything to do with her and her control.  he needs to stop creeping at her house.  that is disrespectful af.

LOCK DOWN YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!!!!!

how in the world does bm know you tagged so and so or you are doing anything?  because she is full on jelly creeping on you.  lock it down.  all of it.  make it 100% private. there is no reason she should know your adult kid let alone know you had lunch with him.  she doesnt need that information.  Lock the stalker out!

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously OP? There is no way in hell I would let a bf's ex-wife rule my life. F NO.

Either he wants to make her happy, or you happy. If it is her, well, then you know all you need to know about the status of your "relationship".

KG7's picture

Yeah I've said that but he said it's not about making her happy it's about making the boys happy, he doesn't care about her it's the boys, I kind of see that but there's also a lot of manipulation from her to make out every thing is about the boys. For example he used to do her shopping for her, her argument it's for the boys I forgot stuff they need. He doesn't do it now though.

she also used to order stuff online and then ask him to collect it her argument it's football boots for the boys so you don't want to help provide their stuff then. He doesn't do it now any more though. 
 

m she also used to have a key to his old house her argument in case the boys forget any thing she can go round and pick it up. She doesn't have a key for this house though. 
 

So there has been some progress albeit slow some none the less. I just have days I really struggle with it all 

KG7's picture

I do feel he is a victim of abuse by her though - manipulative behaviour, coercive and controlling behaviour, emotional abuse, guilt tripping, weaponising kids to control behaviour. it's all abusive and gone on for years and years. He needs help but can't seem to accept or see or believe he is a victim of abuse. 
Am I wrong or being dramatic about that?

SteppedOut's picture

But he is turning around and giving the same back to you so you will accept it. None of this is "normal" or ok.

And as for it "being for the boys". Pffft. Go on w that crap. The kids will be BETTER OFF if they have a REAL schedule. Kids, ALL KIDS, thrive on schedules. 

KG7's picture

I hadn't looked at it like that but yeah I guess I am being manipulated too and coercively controlled too through him by her??? 

I know none of it's fair or right 
 

Yesterdays's picture

Yes you are. My husband used to try to enforce the same rules at my house for all of our kids as there was at bio moms house. I told him I felt like bio mom was then the mom also at my house. To my kids. Do I want do live a lufe controlled by another woman? Heck no. And no, I wasn't going to have that.... At MY house I am BOSS, not bio mom. I am not going to live some other crazy woman's life as my own life. I set the rules for my house and any kids here. I couldn't give a rats butt what bio mom does at her house and I'll be darned if my kids or anyone at my house has to live according to how she is. I won't let my life get taken over by her.

In your case bio mom has a pretty strong hold over your partner. He will do whatever she says. Think of it this way. He is so afraid of making waves with her but not concerned with making waves with you. His priority is with her, even if he phrases it as being for the kids. She is actively trying to control your lives at your house to the point of controlling the relationship with your partner. Your partner is not innocent in all of this. Hes going along with it all. What would be healthy would be for him to set boundaries with her,... But it seems so deep rooted that he just won't be able to do that. 

Cover1W's picture

Agreed!  It's not for "the kids" - it's for her own wants and control. She's using the kids to control her ex, his house and you, Period. She only wants it "her way." Anyone who threatens that - you or her ex will feel her wrath. She has both of you well trained to jump to it or NOT to blame her.

Merry's picture

This is a mess. He can't possibly be ready for a relationship with you because he's still too busy managing the relationship with his ex. Whatever she wants, fine. Whatever you want, he has to check with his ex "for the boys."

Live you life. Make plans with your kids. Don't let HIS (or rather his ex's) plans impact YOUR time with your kids at all. If you plan an activity or a trip, go without him and his. Why should you and yours miss out?

I don't know if she's super controlling or if it crosses the line to abusive, but your SO doesn't seem to be doing anything to untangle himself. Would he consider counseling to sort through this? He needs to learn how to make his current relationshp a priority.

KG7's picture

Yeah thats what I've been doing lately just doing what I want when I want and leaving them all to it. No I doubt he'd consider counselling as I mentioned a couple years ago and he was not up for that at all, according to him he's fine and doesn't need it 

Lifer33's picture

I am very sorry to read what you are going through :(  you have a controlling high conflict bm, and you are right to be fed up. You also have a dh problem in not setting boundaries OR standing up to her... 

She is totally manipulating the fact there's no formal arrangement in place. This is where,  if you get fed up enough you can come to ultimate time with dh.  Court isn't just for abuse its for setting up child arrangement orders, you can even DIY it.

You have to do a mediation meeting first with a registered mediator, set out exactly how you wish contact to run (days/nights you have the children , methods of communication etc) then if you agree both parties sign. If you can't agree you can either go for more mediation , or , you tell the mediator you've had enough and you would like the form for Court. It's that simple and there's a lot of Internet help to DIY it. Failing that you can hire a solicitor or a mcenzie friend to help you.  The best time to do it is now, as when they get to 13/14 it's too late, especially if they've been worked up the back to say what mummy dearest tells them.

KG7's picture

Thank you. I really have no experience in Uk visitation orders every one I know and all my experience with it is that it's always been sorted out between the parents amicably. I've never come across such an ex wife as this one or such a controlling person as this. Though I highly doubt (in fact I'd put money on it) he would never do this as she wouldn't be up for it and would argue it's not fair on the boys. 

Lifer33's picture

'It's what's best for the children', 'it's not fair on the children' ... if I had a penny for every time my dh was told that. When in reality bm just wanted exactly what suited her...

has she got a partner or husband by chance? I'm just asking coz I once levelled at my dh ' do you think she'd tolerate a new bfs ex controlling their life this much ? Or being this enmeshed with each other?' For example my dh wasn't required to go put ss to bed in her home anymore, once she got bf moved in, funny that! 

I'd start dropping examples, then if he doesn't take the hint you'll have to decide how much more disruption to yours and your children's lives you can handle Sad

KG7's picture

Yeah she does have a fella she got with him shortly after the divorce and no he doesn't have kids but that is a really good point i can't believe for one second she'd tolerate her own behaviour exhibited in her fellas ex if he had one with kids. 
I hadn't thought of that spin round. 
 

yeah I'm not sure how much more I can handle tbh, I mean it's 10 to 1 in the morning I've got to be up for work at 6, I can't sleep my heads spinning with it all, I'm constantly tired and feeling down, constantly chewing through my tongue so as not to cause stress and upset and I always feel it's me that's always having to be understanding and flexible and making sure every one else's needs are met and happy simply to keep the peace. 
 

 

KG7's picture

Well my body is saying to walk away, my head is saying there has to be a resolution and my heart is saying love and compassion is always the right answer. 

 

 

JRI's picture

"Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs" (Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled).

Winterglow's picture

And most of the rest of us are saying that love is not enough and life is too short to live like this.

Lifer33's picture

If she refused to attend mediation, he'd be given the form for the cao by default. But this is useless if he doesn't think there's a problem. I totally understand where you are coming from, I lived it for about 4 years until I said myself and dd aren't playing 2nd family anymore. Sort it or we leave, thankfully he chose mediation 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Lifer33 is giving good advice.  My DH had court arranged visitation and child support.  In fact he even went back to court to get the amount varied when he changed jobs.

Push your partner into getting something court mandated or leave.  Its not worth your health being sacrificed to your SO and his ex's disfunction.

shamds's picture

She doesn't get to dictate beforehand what skids do during their dads custody time. So if she doesn't ask her exhubby first if he is ok with their extracurricular activities and taking them to it during his weekends, then they spend time with their dad

if biomum kicks a stink, put it back to her if you did the exact same to her, no way would she allow it

KG7's picture

Can I ask out of curiosity if there are any men on here who would like to share their perspective on having been treated like this by an ex wife and/or share their experiences of having gone through this kind of situation with an ex wife and new partner/wife. 
Im just interested to know 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

And they tend to not put up with the levels of disfunction.  They join briefly, take the advice and move on.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yeah, early on i listed the issues i had to my SO and asked what he would do in that situation. He said "I wouldn't put myself in that situation." I was like "you know what, i shouldn't either! Things change or i'm out!" It was an eye-opener. 

Evil4's picture

I'm not a man, but I'm a SM of 27 years who was literally traumatized by ongoing dynamics like yours in which my DH cowered to BM's every whim. On Steptalk we will often warn SMs to not fall for everything being on the mean old BM. Dads will claim they can't do a darn thing because of the BM. The entire onus is not on the BM. Your SO does not want to stand up to BM and he isn't willing to change. He can put a spin on it all he wants to try and convince you that his hands are tied all because of BM. Well, be careful of falling for that. Your SO has tied his own hands. He does not want to change and he does not want to acknowledge HIS role. He seems to be very good at deflecting blame and putting it all on BM and you as the "understanding" SM. It is very healthy if you decide that you will no longer "support" and "understand" your SO to the point of enabling a dynamic that hurts you. For years I fell into the trap of way over proving that I was a noble SM with never ending "understanding" and "support" and I ended up with a diagnosis of C-PTSD. I sacrificed my needs and accepted crumbs for way too long. Where is your SO's "understanding" and "support" towards you?

shamds's picture

To their exwives for fear of the drama, the never ending conflict and the manipulative shenanigans biomum and skids will do. So they basically cave in and tell their wives their hands are tied, shut up and buck up. 
very few man up and tell off their kids yet alone the exwife. 

ESMOD's picture

as was said.. there are not a ton of men who post here.. or stick around.. other than Rags.. who would absolutely not be falling into this situation.. he is a "roll up the CO and rap them on the nose..and rub their failed breeding egg donors nose in the stench of their failure to comply" kind of guy.. so not only would he not have put up with his EX doing what your Ex BM is doing.. but he would aalso have likely forced YOU and your sperm donor to come to a legal custody agreement and follow it precisely.. none of this "when we feel like it" looseness.  Suffice to say.. he is no nonsense.. and a stickler for following the orders as written (because it means very little opportunity for missteps).

But.. do you want to know why men put up with it?  I don't know.. maybe ask your EX.. because I am guessing that you are the primary parent to your two children.. and that you held cards on whether he got to see them.. and you were generous with it.. but he likely toed the line in many ways in order to keep this amicable situation going.  

The truth of the matter is that in most cases.. men are at a severe disadvantage when it comes to gaining meaningful time with their children.  They are often primary bread winners in a relationship.. so the court wants to maximize their ability to continue to do that.. so saddling them with custody when the woman is already often not working as much or earning as much.. having flexible jobs to care for her kids.. and women biologically carry and feed the kids from their bodies as infants.. and the division of responsibility in a home often favors the woman as the primary childgiver before you even get to divorce court.. and once there.. the courts are unlikely to undo that dynamic.

So.. you have men that may love their kids.. but don't have full custody.. their EX does.. and if they have a court order.. sometimes it is still a struggle to get their EX to cooperate in giving them their time with the kids.. and if there is NO order???? Mom holds all the cards and can do what she wants.. setting up a situation where a guy is begging for time.. and having to jump through all sorts of hoops to remain a part of his children's lives.

This sets up guilty parenting and disney parenting.. he gets so little time.. he doesn't want to waste it disciplining.. and wants it to be fun for the kids.. and mom treats him like an ATM..so the kids start relying more on him for what he can give them vs a real emotional relationship.

Men don't like this.. but have little power to change it.. and take what they can get... 

Having a court order greatly benefits everyone because it sets out expectations and certainty.. if it's wednesday.. I'm with dad for dinner.. if it's Thursday.. mom gets me from tennis.. etc.. 

right now.. you have two sets of parents doing "whatever".. which can not end up being anywhere near organized for the kids.. 

Remember.. the person without custody.. or a custody order is pretty much hat in hand begging to be in their kid's life.. do they like it? probably not.. do their spouse's like it? again.. nope.. but unless they do the hard work to get an order in place.. and insist it is followed? nothing changes.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yep. Flexibility sounds awesome if you get to decide when you do or don't have the kids based on what you deem to be everyone's best interest. I bet it sucks for everyone else who has to live with it, either not knowing where they themselves will be sleeping, or not knowing if and when a stepkid (or their own kid!) will be in their house. A CO makes it possible for everyone to plan their lives. It minimizes a lot of the back-and forth chit chat required to decide who goes where every day. Minimizes arguments over whose needs or wants matter most. Mine covered everything.  Worth the $200 (maybe more, it's been a while) an hour i paid for the mediation day, so it could be negotiated by my lawyer, my ex's lawyer, and a mediator whose job it was to go back and forth between parties to hammer out the details to make it work for everyone. Years of conflict avoided. 

ESMOD's picture

My OSD (edit to update to OSD.. misstyped) is just starting out on this journey.. and she kind of started saying things like "he can have them whenever he wants.. to be flexible and all."

I told her that what she thinks "might" work right now when they are both single and focused.. may NOT work if and when they are both in other relationships.. and the back and forth and uncertainty become a problem for those partners and other kids involved etc.. she is now rethinking this as her STBX comes over to the house whenever he feels like it to play with his kids.. when it's kind of an intimidation and disruption tactic for him.. I have pushed her to get a set order.. and follow it.. for everyone's sake.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The habits she forms now will be hard to break later. The mediator thought of everything. Our CO was as good as they come. I think half the problems on this site would be prevented by good COs and everyone following them. I never realized that others didn't do things the way my ex and i did until i met my SO, went through the confusion/anger/etc., and ended up on this site. 

KG7's picture

No my daughter lived with me and my son lived with my ex (he's now in uni). So I didn't make my ex tow any line and nor do I hold any cards either and he didn't make me tow any line or hold any cards either. Neither of us controlled any thing to do with each others visitation. He sorted out seeing our daughter as and when he could as he could work away for weeks or even months at a time at next to no notice, at the drop of a hat so setting a schedule out for visitation would never have worked. Whereas this way worked perfectly as he had no pressure, and knew when he was home he could see our daughter when every they both wanted (notnimg tto do with when I wanted i never even communicated with him they communicated between each other), also my son was much older so I communicated with him again nothing to do with his dad. 
I understand that COs may be the only way forward for some people but for me and my ex it simply wouldn't have worked and nor would it have worked for our kids either. They would have hated not having a say in where they were going and when they could go there, they can make up there own minds about how they want to spend their time and who they want to spend it with. They were free to make plans with their friends - sleepovers, hang out with friends etc without feeling guilty about letting one of us down on "our weekend".
it has worked perfectly for us, the kids and for my ex's new life and partner.  We would never have done it any other way and it would never have worked for all of us any other way either. It totally can be done flexibly and amicably. 

Rags's picture

You and XH sound as if you are mature adults and reasonable.  Sadly, not a common thing on boths sides of a failed family.  If it was, STalk would be a very different place.

Rags's picture

I am a man, do not tolerate this. Get on living your best life with this guy in your past.

Living well is what we should all do, it is also the best revenge.

Enjoy living your revenge.

Diablo

SecondNoMore's picture

You've been given a lot of great perspective here and I scanned most of it so maybe this has already been covered, but just a point on the relationship between you and your SO: you mentioned that you're feeling distant toward him. That's the resentment creeping up, which it will inevitably in this situation because it's so insane. And if you haven't already, you'll also probably lose a lot of respect for him because it's a major turn off to watch a man allow himself be controlled by someone.

Resentment and loss of respect are relationship killers, so I think your only viable option left if you're not ready to leave and he won't make changes to the set-up with the ex are to 'drop the rope' and just live your own life the way you want to while still in the realtionship with him, which I think you said you are already starting to do. Maybe he'll shift accordingly, maybe he won't, but at least YOU won't be letting yourself be controlled by these other people. You don't want to compromise your self respect to be in a relationship.

Rags's picture

You don't want to compromise your self respect to be in a relationship.

Notthedoormat's picture

And great advice has been given! 

I'd add...you mentioned love and compassion....you seem like such a lovely,  sweet, caring person...but direct some of that love and compassion back at yourself!  You are tremendously stressed (been there, so I can recognize it!).  You have sacrificed yourself on the alter to this man and BM and the boys....and honestly you probably already know its not for the boys,  its just what BM has always done (gotten her way) and your SO has settled into doing her will. At least that's how it seems.  Honey, I wish we could go out for drinks and talk!

If your relationship is going to survive and thrive,  some changes are going to have to come.  You are entitled to a life where you determine your own schedule based on an agreement with BM, preferably chiseled in stone via court order or equivalent.  Something that allows you to plan how you spend your child-free days, have date night or sleep in! At your house you get to choose movies and activities while BM is granted the same courtesy at her home.  Activities on your time are not decided by this enmeshed mess of a heifer!

In reality,  if you want to continue,  you will need to help the situation evolve.  Make a decision that your home is just that and you're the activities director when the boys are there. You're perfectly competent to choose movies that are appropriate.  You can also introduce new foods or different ways of eating foods they like (square shaped pizza tastes just like triangle pizza!). 

Preemptively make plans and have SO put BM on notice that you're out of town or whatever for a weekend. 

Definitely lock down your social media so she can't stalk you! It's none of her business what you do or when you do it or who you do it with.  She's gonna have to learn to cope and that's all there is to it. Or she can continue to be miserable,  but don't let her drag you along.

Take yourself out on dates!  Tell him you have some "me time" scheduled for yourself while he does BMs bidding. And let him wonder. Also tell him you'd like some couples time...that he should arrange for BM to keep the boys....definitely keep your head up and keep your options open. SO needs to disentangle himself here and he can, if he's willing to. 

KG7's picture

I have just read all the comments. Some very wise people on here and I thank you for sharing all that wisdom with me. 
i want to update you all; so it's over and me and my daughter are moving out and moving on with our lives. 
I just can't any more. I feel like I've tried every thing and it hasn't worked, it feels like he just wants some one to put up with every thing he puts up with and is there for him when he wants some one to be and to be satisfied with that life, whereas I want a lot more than that. 
I also don't want my daughter to think that this is a healthy relationship and that this is how relationships should be. I want her to be treated better than this by some one. 
 

it's an amicable split which is good but I do feel it's a shame it couldn't work but I really did try and I'm just miserable with him coz our lives revolve around his ex wife and her schedule and decisions about the boys and what we should be doing and when and how etc etc it didn't end. I couldn't plan any thing or organise any thing for us without it going through her and fitting in with her schedule. 
 

And whoever said about resentment setting in and bitterness you're right I was getting bitter and resentful  and miserable and losing respect for him and envious that he didn't put my happiness and needs before hers and I don't want to be that person or feel those emotions, it's ugly! 
 

so that's it onwards and upwards and a whole load of life lessons under my belt arming me for my future chapters in life. 
 

tbank you every one you're lovely people and full of wisdom and insights and I really appreciate you having welcomed me on this site and shared it all with me. You will help a lot of people out. 

 

I wish all of you all the best!! 
 

 

Yesterdays's picture

Sounds like you made a good decision and now the rest of your life is out there now to start living. You deserve your happiness and needs put first. Best wishes and best of luck moving forward. 

KG7's picture

Thank you. 
my life is too short to spend it being pushed to the bottom of some ones pile and I've finally realised this and I also learnt years ago you can't help some one who doesn't think they need help or doesn't want help. So if he's happy living like this then that's fine he can carry on but I want more and I think i deserve better. 

if some one can't put me first then I'm going to put myself first! 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Sounds like you made the right choice. Your situation sounded like pure chaos with a side of being under BM's thumb! ETA I feel for you. My youngest just turned 18 and i never remarried or cohabited. It's just too damn much. I've had serious relationships but idk if i can deal with a chaotic custody situation. Not knowing what's going on in my own home or having hostile little spies (even if it's not their fault they are hostile little spies) going back and forth to BM's house just doesn't do it for me. I also didn't want to deal with any issues a new partner would have had with my kids. We followed our CO to the letter but i could imagine the stress of having a "new sheriff in town" when my kids were already teens. 

KG7's picture

It's been hell for the last few years having no control over my own life, not being able to plan or organise any thing, always coming last in the list of priorities having to have my life and world revolve around his kids and ex wife, having my kids needs come last too, having every thing I do thrown back in my face. 
 

at first I felt sorry for him and really wanted to help him as I felt he was controlled and abused by her but some one said on here that he's treating me the same way and that made me think. Also you cannot help some one who doesn't want to be helped. 5 years later I'm done with it all. 
 

im just going to stay on my own now. It'll be a lot easier and a lot less painful. I think I've been taken for a mug long enough. 

Yesterdays's picture

That is all so true and I've often felt that way. No one should have to be put last in their own life. This is your life to live!!! Time to go and live it. I hope you do something nice and fun for yourself and for your kids. On your own terms now!! Do something special ❤️

Rags's picture

Take care of you.

Rescue project people are not like pound puppies or rescue kittens. They made choices that put them where they are. Puppies and kittens haven't.

 

KG7's picture

Yeah you're both so right and that's what I'm doing. I've already booked a hotel for me and my daughter for over Xmas so we're going to spend Xmas being waited on and spoiled and stuffing our faces with lots of yummy food lol. 
taking all the prezzies with us and spending Xmas just us as I think we deserve to be spoiled for a change and treated like we are worth some thing coz we are. 
 

we can't wait hehehe 

Winterglow's picture

You go, girl!

Promise me that this is just the start of the new you! Your SO can either wise up and take his life back or he can languish, lurking in the shadows of his jealousy of your new life.

KG7's picture

This is the start of a new life. He can do what he wants, he can continue to revolve his world around her and his kids whilst I get out and live mine. I really don't care any more tbh. I'm annoyed with myself for having put up with it for so long and believed his bullshit but that anger will fade in the light of the lessons I've learnt. 
no more watching them exchange gifts with each other (for the boys) or spend Xmas day together (for the boys) or hang out together at various family functions or kid events (for the boys). No more feeling my confidence fade away as I get pushed to the bottom of his priority pile. 
no more having things I plan either for us as a couple or us a family unit (his boys imcluded) thrown back in my face coz the ex wife has alternative plans for them while they stay with us. 
the list goes on and on and on. It's a relief it's all over and I can't believe how STUPID I was putting up with it for so long. 

Winterglow's picture

You were not stupid for putting up with it all, you were simply too kind. You wanted to help - that's not being stupid. You've gained clarity.

I'm happy to see that you're chalking this up to experience and lessons learned. I'm also happy that you'll be out before Xmas. This could be your best one yet! 

KG7's picture

Hehehe thank you. I'm actually looking forward to Xmas this year hehehe.