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New stepmom needs wise council?

Maneater's picture

Hello everybody I'm the new kid on the block... After reading many many entertaining post I finally decided to become a member and share my life with you guys. First off a quick background on how I became a stepparent. I met DH on the same month he was breaking up with live in gf of only 4 months. A month later after he breaks up completely with her and has moved out, and me and him are only casually dating, x-gf calls with the "I'm pregnant" BOMB!!! So we mutually decide that its best for us to part ways for the sake of his new obligation and responsibilities. He moves back in with BM to try to make things work and I move on with my life. A month later just as I am finally getting over him completely he calls me desperate to see me and even claims that he is in love with me. I agree to date him on the down low while he gets his on place and moves all his stuff out of her place and into his new. It was quite an exhilarating romantic couple of months I must admit. Anyway as they parted ways for the 2nd time she decided it was best to have an abortion because she did not want to be a single mother and because he flat out told her that he was not ready for a child nor does he want one. So his lack of excitement of the pregnancy was enough to convince her to abort. Everybody including her family and his family that new about the pregnancy all thought it was best that she aborted. Well, 2 days before her scheduled abortion DH mom on a conversation with BM mom accidently slipped out her mouth that DH had moved and started a new relationship. So BM mom runs back with the news to tell her daughter. Well, it infuriated BM and there for canceled the abortion because she was not going to kill her child just because there is a new girl behind all of this. That was BM assumption. So at that moment DH and I made the decision to continue our relationship and hope for the best. He told me he no longer wanted her and that I had nothing to worry about. And asked me if I will accept him and the baby on the way. So we managed to maintain a wonderful relationship. I stayed out of her way through out her pregnancy and delivery and DH managed to keep us both happy and new how to balance me and her. Well, soon after baby was born all hell broke loose when baby started coming around daddy's apartment in which I had pretty much moved in to. BM has turned into a jealous bipolar bitch. BM is a working progress, she went from not wanting me around baby to accepting me in his life. SS is now 8 months old. DH and I have been married for 1 week now. A lot but I mean a lot of drama has happened since me and BM met 2 months after SS was born. DH went from going to every doctor visit going to the babyshower and even spent the night with BM on SS first week out the hospital to help her out. DH even put himself on cs when SS was 3 months because she started keeping him away from SS, so she was then CO to give SS up on his week ends which those were all battles. I guess all the drama from trying to getting BM to cooperate and SS crying in the middle of the night from teething has DH checking out completely! He wants nothing to do with SS now. I have to beg DH to pick SS up on his weekends and even offer to take full responsibility of SS while he's with us. My question is am I doing to much? I'll admit I'm so attached to this cute little 8 month old and love him as if he were my own. Everybody else advises me to let them be. If DH doesn't want to bond with SS don't force him, its better for you anyway they say. I've been told that most women want DH to reject other children to keep BM away. But I'm the complete opposite. BM even though I don't like her, is no threat to me. Women to women I'm way better then her in every way. To me its not about keeping them away, I have just faced reality and know that SS will be a part of our lives for ever wether it be now or later. I would be living in a fantasy world if I really thought that keeping SS away would make him somehow vanish forever. I could let them be and then fast forward some 5 years when DH matures or misses SS starts bringing him around and I may have to deal with an uncontrollable 6 year boy who hates me. Of course he'll love DH but he'll instantly see me as a threat. Well, that is just my biggest fear who knows if that is how it will really happen if I let DH handle things his way. What do you guys think?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

This is almost my relationship in a nutshell. FDH had a short fling with BM, breaks it off with her, breaks it off with his then GF, BM comes running back with the 'I'M PREGNANT MARRY ME' bomb, I come in the picture, she moves to another state, is diagnosed crazy, DH has had no contact with the child (not for lack of trying--presents that get thrown out, requests for visits denied, BM tying things up in court.)

We had a talk and came to the conclusion to just let it be. We can't control BM but we can control our own lives and make sure she doesn't destroy it. The ideal would have been to be able to coparent and have SS in our lives if she was reasonable, but to do so would have destroyed us as no one is ever equipped to deal with crazy (and after receiving a bullet on a card with FDH's name and 'I hope you rot in hell', last father's day, FDH has a fear for my and his life.)

That said, instead of trying to force a relationship with the child totally controlled and manipulated by BM, we will let the child grow up and naturally be curious about us, and then extend the invitation. This was our choice, not mine, and not his alone and we both are very aware of the consequences. He never wanted to be with her but turns out she had plans to 'get' him. It happens, and every situation is unique. This is the one we decided would be best based on what has happened. It's not for everyone as both he and I know that we will never be a 'family' with SS no matter how hard we try (the therapist told this to us as well.)

This is the unfortunate truth about being in a situation like ours. I wish you luck and this is something you will have to hash out with your DH.

Kilgore SMom's picture

SS is at the age where most men don't know how to deal with them. In and ideal situation mom and dad would be together and mom would do most of the work. Or thats how it is for most moms. My DH started his relationship with SS7yrs, when ss was 18 months. GM (grandma of BM) called and asked DH to do a DNA. then started the relationship. At first ss would cry alot. It was a big change for him. DH tried to back out and just quit and I told him no. That is not fare to ss. Thank God I didn't let DH quit because now ss lives with us Full time. Dh has even told me lots of time thank you for not letting me quit. Tell DH to man up. Good news is when SS gets about 4 and is talking really good and potty train DH will start taking over more. It will work out you will see.

Maneater's picture

Thanks you really gave me hope!! That is exactly what I was thinking, but I was being advised that it was not fair for me. To let DH wake up in the middle of the night and so on. In my heart I always felt like even though he is not my baby that it was still my responsibility because DH was exhausted since he works to support us. So I made a deal with DH that I would do the hard part of raising SS (feeding, diaper changes, bathing, getting up 2, 3 times in the middle of the night, etc...)and that he would do all the fun stuff like playing. It was working fine, until I opened my big mouth & told my mother & sister about how I was handling the situation. Well they made me feel stupid and told me I was being used and that while BM gets a break, Im here struggling with a child thats not even mine. But I honestly enjoy it, I get my baby fix, because im childless, and when it gets to rough SS goes back to BM. Till I need another baby fix, then I get to play mommy again. But I truly enjoy SS, to the point were I'm planting seeds in DH head to change CO for a 50/50 split and not just every other weekend.

Maneater's picture

HaHaHaHa!!! Thanks for your input. I still can't wrap my brain around women who get pregnant for the sole purpose of trapping a guy... Where do women learn this from? That is exactly what BM did and was bold enough to admit it. I simply texted her "If a man wants you nothing can keep him away, if a man doesn't want you nothing will make him stay... GET OVER IT, YOUR LAME" That was like poring alcohol on an opened wound but somebody had to tell her... But your right on we have to do what works for us. I will just have to sit DH down and give him 2 choices 1.) You suck it up and be involved in SS life even though you don't like it now, but you will soon. OR 2.) You completely disengage and just pay your cs, and let another man raise SS, but you will have to suck it up when SS is 5, 10, or 15, because then I will be to busy with our own children that I will not accept another child.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

The thing is, you don't know if he will like it, or ever like it. FDH has said that he does not know if he will ever 'love' SS ot be able to get over the fact that he is half someone he hates with everything he has. He pays CS always on time and will be there when SS seeks him out, and he will offer an inclusion into our family, but it's not the same as a child both parents wanted to bring into the world and was not conceived under betrayal and manipulation. In a perfect world, all parents love their children no matter what and unconditionally, just like all spouses do eachother. Rarely if ever happens.

I have no idea why they would do that, BM doesn't even like children (early 40s, no kids, domestic partnership with her then boyfriend) was on some pill for a disease that prevented pregnancy, said she was still on it. Turns out she had taken herself off of it and never had the disease in the first place. Our bet is that she was on birth control but made up the disease so she could tell her partner why she couldnt get preggos. Real nuts.

And it's not as simple as just two options--since things change. I think it needs to be left open to a point where both of you are comfortable with the choice. We will be there for SS if he needs us but other than that we don't have control over how he is raised. A short term plan that is malleable may be the best way sp both of you know what to expect.

Remember, no matter what you do, your skid could still easily turn out insane as well, no matter how good you treat them.

Maneater's picture

Your right about SS being part of somebody who changed DH life forever & whom he hates. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at him. When things get rough between BM & DH he always replies with "Well I never wanted SS in the first place!! & You(BM) ruined my life on so many levels" People even told me if he is like that with SS imagine how he will be with your kids... Are you sure you want him fathering your kids? Those are valid points & im confused because DH wishes we had a child of our own my response to him is if you can't handle SS now how will you handle our bios whom we will have to deal with 24/7 not just every other weekend... He just says I don't know I just know it will be different...

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

But you do have one thing going for you and that's BM is not preventing him from being with SS. Some people say that to me too but those people generalize on human nature. Yeah some people may be like that, but some aren't--the intricacies of the human heart are far too complicated for us to make sweeping statements such as he will be like that with all kids. My FDH will be a wonderful father for our children, I have no doubt, but you can't help who you love or not love. You can help how you are responsible though, and for us, it means we do what is within our power while maintaining everyone's emotional health.

My FDH is actually extremely excited about our plans to TTC late this year, talking about how he wants to come to the doctors visits, even asking me about names and gender preferences. Something he hated and dreaded with BM

Maneater's picture

Thanx for your input y.s.babestep, very interesting out look. I'm with you on putting BM in her place. I've been reading all these crazy post about BM really ruining SM lives, & SM really allowing it.
BM is crazy but she met her match when I came in the picture. BM knows better then to cross me. She used to use SS as a pawn but I quickly changed that.

I will do my best on keeping my feelings in check when it comes to SS. I think the best best thing going for me in this situation is that SS is so young & he'll know me since the day he was born so I pray our SM/SS relationship never takes a turn for the worst.

I do love DH very much & do believe he is worth all the drama. Even though BM is phsycho I never let her get to me. In fact the drama is fun sometimes lol

Best advice I can give you is don't let BM ruin your happiness, you are in control of your life and happiness and nobody can ruin that especially another women...

DH & I live by this principal "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain..."