I am new here. Partner has gone to out for a bit so I thought I'd throw out my issue now in hopes of some sort of way to calmly hold a discussion he wants to have when he returns. Short notice but worth a shot.

I moved in and became stepmom less than a year ago. I don't feel comfortable most of the time. I figure that is normal from what I have read.

Father does the disciplining and I try to do too much. He wants to talk about my 'animosity' toward his 13 yr old son. Well yes there is because he is a surly, ill-mannered prat. He is a bully to his younger brother, speaks rudely all the time, short tempered, knows everything, is curt with his answers to me if he bothers to answer at all. He does nothing in the line of basic housework and when he moves through the house he leaves a trail of mess! I clean all the time. Dad tells me to leave it but I cannot live in these sloppy 'batchelor' conditions.

I have tried to talk politely to the son, tried reasoning, showing how things are done by offering to show him how to run washer, sweep, basic stuff he should be doing.

Not allowed to offer incentive. Dad has clear rules. Now I have been stripped of my disciplining rights. I have no respect from this boy at all. The other is a lovely lad, willing to please and does as he is asked the first time usually. The elder boy fights everything with lame excuses, blame and feels no need to listen to me. He is deeply angry and I accept that. Lots going on and NO ONE wants to get counseling except me. So I go for me and my own health.

The dad says 'leave the boys to me.' I feel that no matter what I try, say or do, the dad finds fault yet sweetens it with, ' you are a good person but it doesn't work'.

So I am shutting down. I can't win. I feel lost and am probably not cut out for this. I know dad is very protective of his boys. So the house is a mess and I cringe at it.

When the boys erupt into a verbal (sometimes physical) battle, I don't know how to handle it because if I try to tell them to go to their rooms, the eldest mumbles under his breath, berates me, gets quite snotty and slams doors. When I tell his dad later, he says 'let me handle it' and the boy will lie about what happened. When I add my 2 cents worth, I get told to shush! I get told that I handled it wrong.

I am at the end here. I have no idea what to do or say as I am now going to have a 'talk', with my fella who will tell me much and will listen but I already know the outcome.

In his defense, he called this conference about the boys and says that maybe HE isn't doing something right, which is a huge admission from him. He wants to make it work but neither of us have the tools. I have asked repeatedly to all go to counseling, for us to take couples/parenting counseling but he refuses.

Open to ideas here....let 'er rip!

Paws