New to this...how to deal with weddings?
Hi all,
I'm new to the forum and to step-parenting. I knew when I signed on that this would not be a cakewalk, but wow... it is harder than I ever could have imagined. DF has one son, S, age 3.5. After being together for almost a year and talking marriage, I finally met S at the beginning of December. S and I took to each other immediately, thankfully.
I KNOW that things could be so much worse than they are, and try to remind myself of that every day (despite occasional drama, for the most part DF and BM pass off S every day with civility). But BM is extremely unpredictable and prone to self-pity...when she was told we are planning on a wedding this summer, she decided that if we want S at the wedding she will attend as well, and we will pay her way. (The wedding is out of state.)
Obviously, we think this is INSANE. She doesn't WANT to be there (even she will admit this) but is paranoid that S will be presented as "ours" at our wedding. SO frustrating: this will be a VERY small wedding with just immediate family and closest friends, all of whom know perfectly well what the situation is. She is making decisions for her child's welfare based in her own unhappiness and fear.
DF and I and our therapist (who used to see all 3 of us adults, until BM fired her for being "judgmental") agree that it is in S's best interests to attend the wedding and be a part of our new family beginning. We even agree that when BM remarries, S should definitely attend the wedding, even if we HATE the guy, because that's not our choice to make or our business. But we're not sure how far to push this...do we get a lawyer? Do we let it go and do some kind of ceremony just the 3 of us when we return? Any BTDT folks with advice?
It is entirely inappropriate
It is entirely inappropriate for her to attend your wedding or have ANY say it what happens there. It is none of her business. Period. Put your foot down now.
Oh believe me, there is no
Oh believe me, there is no question in our minds that she is NOT attending. She is pushing just so she can claim later to have been "reasonable" and not just said no way, he can't be there. The question is how far we should push taking him with us whether she likes it or not. They have 50/50 legal and physical custody, though her house is listed as his primary residence. Legally, don't we have a right to bring him to our wedding whether she likes it or not?
But then again, maybe you are right hypovic, and it's just not worth the fight, sad as it would make us not to have him there...
Let her keep the boy. He is
Let her keep the boy. He is too young and will probably not even remember the wedding anyway. Just save some cake for him to enjoy later
For the number of posts made
For the number of posts made DAILY about SM who "didn't know what they were getting into", I can't not suggest that you hold off on the wedding.
You've only been together ALMOST a year, & you only met his son in December...2 months ago???
BM is already inserting herself. Wedding, birthday, school day, rainy day...she will continue to be exactly this way. You being married to her ex will not change the fact that she will feel entitled to insert herself & make demands on a whim with the full expectation that you will oblige her.
There are a lot of BTDT folks here. Just read! Pay special attention to those who say "I didn't sign up for this", "I didn't know what I was getting into" "I wish I'd never done this", etc.
I'm certain you will insist that your situation is different because you LOVE this man & you LOVE his kid (you've know for all of 2 months).
I'm not trying to be negative. I'm not suggesting you leave your relationship.
I'm STRONGLY suggesting that you give this relationship more time...a LOT more time...like at least another year or more. Don't hurry to marry into steplife.
Really get to know his child. Really get familiar with how your DF interacts with his son & with his ex. Really get familiar with how your DF's ex-wife interacts. I guarantee you, now that you're preparing to tie the knot & become a permanent fixture in her son's life, her bahavior will change. Her demanding you buy her a ticket to your wedding is only the beginning.
Her demanding you buy her a
Her demanding you buy her a ticket to your wedding is only the beginning.
^^^^ EXACTLY.
^^^^^^ I agree with
^^^^^^ I agree with formygirl! My DH and I went away to get married, just the 2 of us. We didn't technically elope because it was planned and everyone knew when and where it was, but they knew we were going alone. Might sound a little rude but we didn't want to deal with the bs that we would have dealt with having it at home! And guess what, we had a BLAST! The time of our lives, really. We are going back to the same place this year for our anniversary. I definitely recommend going away!
My first instinct is to tell
My first instinct is to tell you to run, but I know you aren't going to do that (because none of us SMs listened when people told us to run either!), so what I will say is you and FDH need to put your foot down with BM now. Don't let her think she has any power or control over what goes on in your life. Do not even allow her to think attending your wedding is an option. BM was a nightmare when I first started dating DH, and for a while after that- but once she realized her little tactics were not working and she was not impacting our lives in any way, she really did calm down. We still get crap from her, that is never going to stop, but she has calmed down a lot. You have got to put your foot down and put her in her place NOW!
Best of luck to you!!