Not "legal" SD Driving me Crazy!!!
My husband and I have been married for just about 1 year. His previous wife had two children that were NOT his biological children. He entered that marriage when the little girl was only a newborn and never divorced until 7 years later. So he is the only Dad she has ever known. So technically she is not his BD, but he refers to her as daughter and she calls him Daddy. Ok so...that being said. She is 11 years old now. She has ADD and ODD. I will refer to her as SD and me as SM here even though that isn't the true case. She is on her 3rd week of Summer living with us. She goes back to her BM this weekend. In the past my husband has let her sleep in our bedroom on a mattress on the floor because our room was 'cooler' but then she started doing it whenever she wanted. I insisted that this stop and he has agreed. But now they constantly have "camp outs" in the livingroom. Him on the couch and her on a air mattress on the floor. I feel he should be with me at night. Am I being selfish? He rarely ever tells her no and I see her asking things of him in a whisper or behind my back so I won't hear. he want's me to bond with her so bad but honestly I can't stand her and I feel guilty for it. I try, we go shopping, get our nails done etc but I just don't feel a connection with her. I resent her and her manipulative behavior. He doesn't get to see her very often and this is what he uses for an excuse for "spoiling" her and never saying no. He has no legal rights to her so visitation is soley based on the ex's discretion. I'm fearful that this could really hurt my marriage if it continues. She is heading towards teenage years and I'm sure things will get much worse. Am I over reacting?
You are not over reacting but
You are not over reacting but nothing will change unless you can have an honest conversation with your DH and he sees the truth. Not only what it could do to your marriage but how it can affect the girl and her emotional growth and maturity. Or lack thereof, as in a lot of these cases.
He needs to understand that he is not doing her any favors by spoiling her and giving in to her all of the time. I understand his excuses but it is not in anybody's best interest for him to be her friend and not her father.
You are not alone in this
You are not alone in this feeling. I feel the same. My SD lives with us and I try to bond, but do not feel it. I HATE the manipulation by her, I HATE how he babies her, and some days I just do not like her at all.
Your Dh should be with YOU at night, not with her. HE needs to fix this if he wants a healty marriage with you. All he is doing is letting her know she is the most important and will always come first.
We never fought until the SD was involved. Now it seems we never get along. SD is always a hot topic and nothing I say gets through to him. He will admit what she is doing, but he wont change his behavior towards it.
I get along ok with her when we are by ourselves, but once DH is home, she is the princess and I just want to puke.
What can I say to him to get
What can I say to him to get him to understand "camp outs" are wrong and he should be with me at night? He will listen to reason and isn't afraid to apologize or change but I have a tough time when I know he see's her so little and it makes me feel like its not fair for me to interfere.
"I am your wife, I am your
"I am your wife, I am your life partner and your mate, and you should be sleeping with me. She is your child, she is not your partner or your equal. Get your priorities straight, do not treat your child as a friend, be the parent. She will respect you for these boundaries some day and you will help her grow into an independent adult by doing this now."
That is exactly what I would say. I have said a variation of this already. We have not had the sleeping issue, because I laid it out early, NO KIDS in our room or in our bed. If my DH wants to camp out with them, then go to a campground. Otherwise, everyone in their own bed in their own room.
I think others have had
I think others have had sucess using the term "mini wife"... he will be uber pissed off but calling inapropriatness (sp?) what it is can sometimes be the knock upside the head that they need to "get it"
How can you bond with someone
How can you bond with someone when you feel like the outsider. As long as camp outs, whispers, etc are allowed to continue, it will only help you to harbor resentment. A marriage is supposed to be a team.. Husband and wife. If ss gets put above wife, that team is no longer husband and wife, but husband and sd. I had to fight feelings when me and my dh got together, of feeling left out and dismissed, simply due to their private whispered conversations, and special time. Ad tried to exploit this. I sat dh down, before our wedding and to,d him how complex my feelings were, and that if we were going to have a chance, he had to be on my team. It was a long talk, but it got enter. Good luck, don't hide those feelings, they will fester Into hatred,
Hi. I'm new to this board and
Hi. I'm new to this board and I'm very excited to have found it. Seems like I finally found a place of non-judgment to vent about my situation! I definitely need it! My situation is somewhat similar to yours in that my SS is not my Husband's Biological child either. For that reason I feel I can say that I understand you and I don't think you are over-reacting. He is Guilt-Parenting which is very common. Even if he doesn't get to see her often, there's no reason to totally change the household around just because she's there. That teaches her that she has the power to manipulate the household.
She may have a little bit of jealousy because he has a new family and she has no blood claim to him and I can see that she'd definitely try to cling to him and make sure she doesn't get left behind. But he can't make the situation worse by catering to every desire and putting his primary household in an uproar every time she's around.
Perhaps for this situation, you can suggest that his Camp-outs could start in living room but by 11p, he could wrap it up and go to bed. That way he gets to camp-out reasonable amount of time and you have a husband in the bed. If he doesn't go for this, probably best to wait until she leaves and then try to talk to him again later when the situation is more neutral.
Good luck!
I tried to tell him to wait
I tried to tell him to wait until she is asleep (which is usually with 15 minutes anyhow) and then quietly come back in bed with me. he said he would but by morning he was still on couch and said he fell asleep. He claims he is a terrible sleeper any other time so I find it 'fascinating' that he was able to sleep so well on the old broken down couch.
One other thing...Sunday afternoon him and I were getting flirty and frisky with each other early in the day setting up the events for the evening. He was playing a video game with her and I was upstairs reading. He took a break from the gaming and called me into the bedroom. Locked the door and we did what husband and wifes do. But IMMEDIATELY afterwards he got up and said I need to go check on her now. the game is in story mode and its had to get past this level. I freaked out! He has since apologized and said it was immature and thoughtless of him but it just confirms to me how she is "more" importnat than me. Im so hurt over it and he just thinks I should move past it cause he apologized.
I have no idea how HE even
I have no idea how HE even bonds with her, he got with some woman in the past who "just gave birth" to someone else's kid and decided 'ok, she'll be my kid'...I don't get that, in all honesty. Of course you have no bond with her, she's a FUCKING STRANGER in your home. She aint daddy's kid, and she aint yours!
Please tell me your man isn't paying any CHILD SUPPORT for this kid....
He's a nice guy, obviously to love and take care of someone else's headache and responsibility, but I agree, he should be sleeping with YOU at night. Does this kid know he's not her bio daddy?
Ughhh, sorry for the response today, I just hate skids right now, they take a perfectly good life and RUIN IT TO PIECES!!!
I have a hard time
I have a hard time understanding his bond as well...but he says its like adoption...even though she isn't biological he is the only Dad she has ever known therefore there is a strong bond because of that. He isn't legally bound to child support but he supplies tons of stuff for her, school supplies, holiday gifts, birthday gifts etc. Spoils her rotten most of the time. And yes she knows he is not bio Daddy. Her real Dad has no contact at all.
EVERYTHING you just said. ALL
EVERYTHING you just said.
ALL OF IT.
Your last sentence is so
Your last sentence is so true! On one hand BIo Parents say "Love and treat my kids like your own. You're an equal partner. This is OUR house."
BUT that seems to always mean just this: "You can help me keep a roof over his/her head, babysit him/her, feed him/her, run him/her around, support me in whatever I choose to do, but DO NOT try to discipline, guide or set any rules on how s/he is raised."
So it's like many Parents want to custom design the role of their spouse to do only what THEY like, which essentially means they cannot treat the child like their own & that they are constantly reminded that they are in subservient position in the child's life. Parent always win, even if they are making wrong choice. Us Step-Parents are just supposed to accept it. We're supposed to love these brats and understand them and coddle them b/c they are products of divorce. WAAAAH freaking deal. Not our fault. Just trying to love the little brats and their Parents get in the way with all of their wishy-washiness. Odd man out all the time!
I worry about this
I worry about this constantly--not for me, but for my DH. He seems to think the PseudoSS8 -who was born of an affair during DH marriage to BM- is going to grow up being his buddy for the rest of his life. He literally thinks that nothing will ever change between them. Okay let's list all the reasons that's a silly thing to think:
1. PseudoSS8 does not yet know DH is not his Dad. They didn't bother to make up an adoption excuse or anything when he was much younger. This could go on for a long time Except----
2. DH and SS8 are Different Races! So for the past year SS8 is asking more and more progressive questions about why they are different races. Yet DH and BM just brushes him off. Uhm hello, the boy is almost 9. He's not going to be fooled that much longer. Who knows how he'll react but I doubt it'll be with nonchalant.
3. BM said the Bio Father will never know the boy exists. Yet his Bio Paternal Grandmother and Aunt knows he exists since he was 4 & show up sometimes trying to be in his life. BM claims this woman won't tell her son about him. Really that's bullsh*t-no way and Mother and Sister won't tell their Son/Brother that he has a child. I am sure one day this man will rear his head. If he truly doesn't know, he could legally come in and sweep the boy away, sue the BM, all kinds of things.
4. Even if the Bio never shows up, SS8 is going to look for him one day. He is going to want to know where he came from. He's going to distance himself from DH, whom he has little in common with as it is.
I didn't know enough details when I married into this--I should have made sure I knew more, dug for details instead of accepting face value when it didn't seem to make sense. I would have waited or not married, honestly.
I understand your frustration
I understand your frustration at his camp outs with her. But I think you should be incredibly proud of your DH. While under no legal obligation, he is honoring his moral obligation to his daughter, he is putting the needs of a child ahead of the issues of the adults (referring to his divorce, and kudos to BM for allowing regular contact to occur).
Before her next visit, maybe you and DH can have a frank discussion about sleeping arrangements and how inappropriate it will become as she gets into the teenage years for him to continue the camp outs.
There was a time we were
There was a time we were going through this issue. She was sneaking in (he has her full time however) and sleeping on the floor. Before me it was just him and her and they would sleep with their doors open and talk to each other. Or she would sleep in his room in his bed. When I came along she would sneak in and sleep on the floor and she said it was because she was scared because she couldn't hear him. (When I moved in we started sleeping with the door closed - first of all it's safer for fire safety and second of all my bedroom is my private place as hers should be for her)
I put my foot down. Then she started sleeping outside the door (she's 8 ). I blew my lid one day when I was going to the restroom and stepped and tripped on her. I told my fiancé that the odd attachment is not acceptable. She feels like I'm replacing her.
He had to have several talks with her about sleeping in her own bed and how she should be comfortable with it because she is a big girl. And at 11 she definetly should be fine. She's almost a preteen there is no need for camp outs and insecurities.