Not my circus not my monkeys-tips? Tricks?
anyone have tips or tricks to stick with the mantra?
and does DH know you practice?
my situation there are some things I can not avoid doing for skids like feeding SS14 or driving him to a medical appt or from sport.(I do not attend the games any longer-been years). DH works out of state.
im looking at it as I’m pretty much at a wall with both skids-sd19(almost 20. Freeloader. Filth monger. Works but pockets all her money cuz DH makes her pay nothing). SS14-back talks and argues with everything.
But being only “parent figure” in home I find myself wanting to parent but then they authority and response I get/have from skids is not like my own 2 kids(who live here as well 17 and 13).
ex: weekly chores. SS14 has consistently been failing and hasn’t washed his sheets in 3 weeks when it’s suppose to be weekly. I can’t punish him. And even when I did remind he blew me off. I can “tattle” but it gets nothing. If my kids missed sheets deadline they would be weekend grounded.
So im not saying a thing this week.
Not to mention if I say ANYTHING about SD19 once every 6 weeks not cleaning im “out to get her”. But I can say anything about SS14 not cleaning to DH and I’m not the bad guy-only when it comes to SD19. He has a whole double standard with his own kids.
I used to ask SD19 what nights she was eating dinner at home. Not anymore. Starting this past week cuz she got new phone number and waited 6 days to give it to me only when she wanted something. Her car has been on the fritz and recently needed a ride. She was suppose to take it back to shop... she didn’t. So when it breaks again guess who’s not picking her up.... yep.
Just have your DH get
a babysitter for his kids when he away working. Or have have DH get a job where he’s home every night. Even throw kids are 14 and 19. They need a babysitter
I have this problem too. I
I have this problem too. I have to do some of the parenting, cannot fully disingage, but I cannot discipline. As of right now I make him dinner (well I make us all dinner) and that is it. It is so difficult to bite my tongue. I mean, he won't clean his bathroom properly. He closes the door, goes in there for 20 mins, wipes everythng down with the poop sponge since he cleaned the toilet first, and doesn't scrub the shower or anything. If I never clean the shower myself it will just cause long term problems but I can't tell him to it properly. It is so exhausting. In the past if I have made a punishment (usually just something minor) husband has stood behind me but I have now disingaged and just won't address anything, all while being annoyed that it all causes me more work, problems or is ruining our house.
We are building a new house in a year and I REFUSE to allow that shit to happen. My new house will be perfect and maintained. Our is now but I again, don't get to control step sons cleaning. I don't even want his smelly ass in my new house. His room always smells like feet. He was out of town at BM for a week and I steam cleaned the carpets. I checked the room a few times to see that the smell was gone and it smelled lovely. 5 hours after he is home is reeks. We used his bathroom for the full week and I had nothing more to do before he came home other than wipe the counter. 2 hours home it is a mess...which is baffling considering he doesn't even clean himself.
I’m right there with ya on
I’m right there with ya on the frustration level but inability to disengage from everything.
prior to DH working away he did everything. We didn’t have routines or schedules or chores for his kids. So because he was going away I couldn’t do everything myself. I work full time and I got my own 2 kids and I go to college. We got a 2400 soft house with 4 toilets. I ain’t doing all the work. DH was on board. But 2 weeks after he left his kids missed deadlines and nothing happened. He didn’t hold up his end. So that’s when I knew it didn’t matter for his kids.
SS14 isn’t THAT dirty just bad attitude more.
SD19 is FILTHY. She has 2 hampers full of clothes and will go a month easy not washing. And before DH left, she would never wash her sheets. *gag* we gave her the old towels in Dec-only 4 of them-because she stained ALL 20 towels we had for kid use- with makeup and she admitted she used them as makeup wipes when she ran out. WTH? Well that was Dec, she hasn’t washed those 4 towels since.
She plans to move out come fall. Crossing fingers.
I would let DH know that he
I would let DH know that he will need to find another job so he can be home, as I am no longer willing to parent his children.
You have put yourself in a position of being a primary parent for them, so no, you can't really disengage. So if DH won't back you up, then you can only continue as you are or leave, unless DH is willing to find another job.
You let your DH run away all week
So he does not parent his kid. And you vent. Until your DH finds another job where he’s home and parent his kid nothing is going to change. But the bigger question, if you leave, what is your DH going to do then? Who going to take care of this kid ?
Exactly
We got married last summer. Then 30 days later he quits his job to work on the road. The goal being to sock back $ to buy land and build house.(on the road enables him to save about $4,000/mo after paying bills) Well after his first job set we found out land is absurdly over priced and building codes because of hurricane Harvey won’t allow us to build what we want. So we decided plan A is out and plan B is in. Which is remodel a part of our master bath swapping jet tub for giant shower. Not nearly as costly as a whole new house.
But if I leave there is no one. I am all DH has in this state. I met him 1 month after he moved here. He was considering sending SS14 to his families house for summer but I’m afraid SS14 will come back worse than he is because there he’s “the baby” and spoiled. So it’s damned if He goes damned if he doesn’t.
SD19 will be 20 in 3 months makes $1400/mo at her job and pays no bills. She’s about to be knocked up to $2000/mo. She’s a slob to the max. Like not messy but dirty, everyone knows there’s a difference.
SS14 isn’t messy but he does protest practices like sheet washing and showering. He has mainly a bad attitude.
Dh comes home in 5 weeks for 6 weeks at home until next job. But he has mentioned some local jobs he wants to apply for.
he also mentioned last night that SD19 plans to move out by the fall. Which I hope!!! That’s 50% of my problem gone!!!
Your SS needs to learn the
Your SS needs to learn the concept of "actions have consequences". If he blows you off and cusses you out then he gets NO rides to sports. Medical I would give him a ride if he needs medical treatment now. If it's for a routine exam reschedule it when your DH can take him.
Cook what you feel like cooking. If one of the skids just doesn't show up then never fix a portion for them. The skids can always make a sandwich or heat up a can of soup. They will not starve.
Here’s an idea...the next
Here’s an idea...the next time one of the skids needs something tell them to go ask their sibling for help if their dad isn’t around.
Kid needs a ride? Ask your sibling. You need someone to come pick you up because your broke? Ask your dad. You need dinner? Ask your sibling to go get some groceries for y’all.
Rinse and repeat. You can’t just be there for when they need you. If you’re their last call for the good stuff then you need to be their last call for the bad stuff. Sit them down (they’re all old enough, including your DH) and day “I go unappreciated around here, ya’ll have all made it directly or indirectly clear I don’t matter so YALL will need to communicate among each other and work out everything from this point forward among yourselves because I am out” Then practice what you preach. You actually don’t have to cook for the kid. Dad can leave grocery money for teen to go get food for them OR even better dad can do grocery pick up for skids to go get groceries and they can live off that until dad is home. Teen and younger skid have either a vehicle or a phone...both can be used for a ride to wherever they may need to go. You aren’t as needed as you think you are. You are just an easy solution when they don’t want to “adult”
Disengage!!! It seriously
Disengage!!! It seriously saved my sanity. As for the things you feel you have to do, STOP IT. DH's kids are HIS responsibility, not yours. If his work schedule interferes with his parenting, he needs to make arrangements or find a new job. Period. Where's the bio mom?