Nutty BM made me question my own sanity...
I'll try to keep it short. I'm sure it's a pretty familiar formula for many of you...
I have been in a relationship with a man since Jan 09. He is the father of two boys (11 and 7) by two different women. He was married to the youngest child's mother. They were separated when I met him, and their divorce was final about a month or so after that. He proposed to me in Nov. of last year.
His ex is a Bible thumper who, according to her, was "called to be a minister," late last year. She is also the same woman who, unbeknownst to my fiance, picked up and moved out of the family home a couple years ago while he was away on business. She cheated on him with at least two men, stole credit cards and maxed them out, and also drained mutual funds, all behind his back. Fast forward to late 2009 when she and I finally met. It was as if something snapped inside of her. Suddenly, she had to have him back. I don't believe that he wants to go back to her, but she made it very clear that was her desire. I knew she was not to be trusted, but I wanted to have peace and harmony. I even sat and bit my tongue (nearly off) when she spent Christmas morning with the kids and my fiance at his parents' house on Christmast morning.
One day in the spring, the child they share (he was 6 at the time) was sitting with us and said, "Daddy, my mom wants to get back together with you..." :jawdrop: Who SAYS things like that to a baby? I was floored. My fiance talked to her that same weekend and the ex claims that he must have overheard her talking to her mother, but that she didn't talk TO him about it. Whatever...
Then, the sh*t really hit the fan. I received an e-mail from a woman who claimed to have an ongoing relationhip with my F, telling me that he had been cheating on me all along. She also went on to tell me that my F was also stringing his ex-wife along, acting like it was all about their son. Um, yeah... red flag! Why would some sidepiece give a damn about the ex-wife being mistreated or strung along? I immediately went into detective mode. It didn't take too much to check the IP addresses and discover the (you already know where this is going, right?) his ex-wife had created a fictitious person, e-mail address and stories to try to break up my relationship with my F. From that point on, I set major boundaries, particularly because my F and I now have a long-distance relationship because of a job that I moved to take. I told him that I did not want his oldest child (who is not her biological child and whom she didn't give a damn about, check on, or express a desire to see after she moved out and moved on), there would be no more kumbaya holiday specials, their interaction should begin and end with pickups/dropoffs (unless of course there was a school play) and I didn't think they ever needed to discuss anything that was not directly related to the child they share. He agreed to all of that. Or so I thought...
Over time, I began to find out that he was doing things behind my back. Going to parent-teacher conferences with her and not telling me. I found out that he let the oldest child go over to his ex's house and spend the night. And the most recent thing was I found out that he and his ex wife went in to pay for a birthday party for the youngest this weekend. He didn't even tell me about the party until after the fact. I was so incredibly hurt. I have supported him and his children in everything, and that was a major slap in the face. He tries to say that he wants the kids to be close, so he doesn't really see the harm in the oldest going with her. And he says he doesn't tell me things about his ex because he knows how I feel about her. How is it that he has forgotten how she has tried to sabotage everything we were trying to build?! She is NOT his friend and she is not to be trusted.
We were supposed to be married on Sept. 3, but at this point I simply cannot trust him and I have ended the relationship for good. Thoughts? I really don't know what else could have been done at this point?
Good for you. The
Good for you. The relationship needed to end.
I don't think I can tell you anything you don't already know. It sounds like you've figured it all out.
He's dishonest. You can do better. If you continued with him you'd be in for a life of misery.
If your ex-F wants to kowtow
If your ex-F wants to kowtow to a woman who would create a fake identity to screw up HIS new relationship, then more power to him.
He must be the balls-optional model.
Sorry for your pain and best wishes for a happy future with someone with his priorities straight.
"He must be the
"He must be the balls-optional model."
Ha! Thanks for my first chuckle in days...
Right. I have to agree with
Right. I have to agree with that. While I don't know if he is/was screwing her, I think on some level, he got off on the fact that after leaving him, she wanted him back. And maybe he also got off on what he might have viewed as two women "fighting" over him, although I certainly never viewed it that way.
Who knows what he sees in this situation, but I know that I can't continue to be with someone whose actions and words so rarely match up when it really and truly matters. Flowers aren't good enough. Cards and apologies aren't what I have been lacking. Those things aren't enough to sustain a relationship, let alone a marriage.
I honestly don't understand what is so hard for him to understand about this situation. Why would it have been so harmful to have separate gatherings? Why is that too much to ask, considering the hell she has put us through? At the end of the day it boils down to the fact that you can't be in a relationship by yourself, and that is what I've been trying to do when it comes to him and his inability and/or unwillingness to give that bitch the boot.
Good morning, all, After
Good morning, all,
After being in a bit of a stress headache, rage-induced stupor for most of the weekend, I penned that post last night, hoping to hear that I'm not crazy or unreasonable. You think you have a good grasp on your thoughts, emotions and standards, and then people and/or situations come along and make you doubt the sky is blue. As a woman who has always been firmly rooted in her opinions and intuition, I don't know why or how I allowed myself to sit by and let this go on for as long as I did. I'm just grateful that this last straw took place before Sept. 3. We all know it's MUCH harder to rid yourself of a messed up situation once you're literally wedded to it.
He is begging me not to go, saying that he wants to have an emergency meeting with our pre-marital counselor, etc... but I really don't know what else to say to him. I blocked his numbers so he can't call or text my cell, and I sent him this:
"You asked me not to change any of our plans.
You changed our plans. When you decided over at least the last week that you needed to keep something as important as that from me, you changed our plans. When you hid something like that, you changed our plans. When you decided that I was not someone you could trust, you changed our plans. When you said to me that you didn't "have" to tell me anything, you changed our plans. When you lie by omission without flinching, you changed our plans.
This is my breaking point.
Not because I don't love and care for you and your children, but because I do love and care for you and your children and you have made it clear that you don't understand my position in this and that means it's never going to change. You have had no regard for my opinions and my concern when it comes to your ex. I have had to stress, fight with you, have marathon and repeat conversations, and turn so many situations into federal cases, defending myself to the death, to try to get you to see that I was truly only looking out for our future, our life, and our success as a blended family. Why should I have do defend myself again someone who literally lied to, cheated on and stole from you? Why do I ever have to stand up and point out that you are blurring the lines with someone who would do anything to X me from the picture? I would have sooner pushed any ex off a cliff if the alternative meant allowing them to have their fingers in my eyes when it comes to you.
I don't want to be and cannot be with someone who feels like he has to lie to me in order to make his children happy, healthy and whole. And I don't deserve to be viewed as the evil wife/stepmother who everyone has to keep at arm's length because I am the only one who thinks our family would be preserved by keeping your ex as far away from our family unit as the east is from the west. I don't want to be the only one who has a problem with your ex coming into the very house that she abandoned like a thief in the night. I don't want to be the only one who doesn't know about important conversations, parent-teacher conferences, planning, family events, parties, etc... and I definitely don't want to be the one who blocks the rest of you from living your life either.
I now see that you will figure out a way to rationalize these things. And, from past experience, I see that you will manage to make yourself the martyr in this situation. Not much I can say or do about that, and that also that lets me know that this would be the tip of the iceberg. You either can't or don't want to see that what you have done is had more respect for her wishes than for mine and the peace in our family. If you can't stand with me and be honest with me just days before we are supposed to stand before heaven and earth and promise to honor and love each other in all ways and always, how in the world can you ask me to trust that you will do it after we are husband and wife? I can't."
Excellent letter to him. I
Excellent letter to him. I hope he realizes what he has destroyed just to keep the ex-witch happy.
Thank you. Unfortunately,
Thank you. Unfortunately, it's clear he doesn't realize it. But I am so glad that I do.
You Won! You won not only
You Won! You won not only your self-esteem back, tons of money to spend on yourself, but also a happy ever after life. None of that if you get married. I'm 3 years into it & BM gets so many extras besides monthly cs whilst I get to pay household bills, work fulltime, have no say what goes on at home, or leisure activity w/DH b.c. he only goes when swins go. He promised to tell me about BM extras, then when he did not & I said: YOU LIED! He replied, no I didn't lie b.c you didn't ask me. And I stayed... Terrible life for SM.
Thank you... It sure as hell
Thank you... It sure as hell hurts right now, but I know in my heart that this is for the best.
I don't know, but I found her
I don't know, but I found her IP address, matched it to all of her other e-mail messages and she still denied it... She even had him thinking that I (ME!) had sent the messages in some sort of twisted effort to end the relationship with him. WTF?
If I had wanted to end it, I would have. Like I just did. I don't need a fictional character to do my bidding... Idiots.
On some level, I really hope they end up together. They are actually quite a bit alike in terms of the skewed take the have on the world. Here's a toast to them getting back together now and leaving the rest of us quasi-normal single people the hell alone.
Oh, I'm still going. I can't
Oh, I'm still going. I can't wait to get on that beach and let the surf and the sun make it all go away...
I'm sorry that you didn't find out about what was going on in your situation until you were in much deeper. I can't imagine how much more difficult that must be.
So I just had a conversation
So I just had a conversation with him and he told me that he did what he did (with the party on Saturday) for his children, and that his son's mother "had every right to be there."
But I, it's clear, didn't have every right to even know about it.
And then I said this is just like him lying about the parent-teacher conference that he went to with his ex. He said, "I didn't lie to you about that!" I said, "Yes, you did by not telling me." He said, "That's not lying."
:O
WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Are you NUTS?!?!?!?!? I worked with that child EVERY SINGLE DAY to improve his reading comprehension and other academic performances. Do you know what he said to me about the conference?
"That had NOTHING to do with you!"
Flatline... I'm so done. Done, done, done...
Ugh... What a loser your ex
Ugh... What a loser your ex was!
I honestly believe my ex also has sociopathic tendencies. Only a lunatic would like as much as he has and about the things that he has... My shoes are laced and double-knotted.
I called and canceled his part of the honeymoon trip I had booked because, of course, he couldn't spare the $ because he claimed to be too strapped with the kids... Yet he INSISTED that we take one. I have also helped him pay for summer camp for his kids... I also helped pay for his kids school shoes and clothes recently.
But things that concern his kids have nothing to do with me, I just learned. Good to know. I will be certain to keep it that way and act accordingly.
Good thing you found out
Good thing you found out where he stands before you got married. Even now, when he knows he is about to lose you he won't budge. Secrecy and deception is absolutely no way to begin a marriage.
Agreed... Even with all the
Agreed... Even with all the money I am losing by canceling, it is inconsequential when I consider how costly a miserable life would be.
Peace is priceless.
You did the right thing. The
You did the right thing. The core of any quality marriage is communication and honesty. IMHO.
Your former fiance was not living up to his participation in either of those areas.
Move on and enjoy your life. You will find someone worthy of your commitment and who will make the same commitment to you.
Congrats on your new job in a new community.
Hang around with us. Your experiences are no less valuable to the community just because you no longer will have to deal with your XF and his severly flawed broken family.
Best regards,
Thanks so much, Rags. And I
Thanks so much, Rags. And I will certainly hang around to loan out my BS-ometer. It was off for a while there, but it has since been re-calibrated...
If there is any blessing to
If there is any blessing to this whole situation, it is that you found your breaking point before the alter, rather than after. {{HUGS}} My heart goes out to you. Being able to create a child does not make someone a mature parent!
This quote came to mind over
This quote came to mind over the weekend:
“Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.” - Colin Powell
Yup.
good for you, bella..... what
good for you, bella..... what a douche bag, you may be hurting a little now, but the reassurance of what a good decision you made should take the sting out a bit....
now that you've ditched him, that interest the ex has in him will dwindle away.... don't take his cry baby forgive me calls to heart... if you start caving, remember how much money you've already wasted on him..... and his baggage.... b/c if you come back so will the ex's interest...
as a fellow woman, i applaud you and am very proud of your strength and execution!
BellaMia, welcome to
BellaMia, welcome to StepTalk. I hope you will find this site as much of a "sanity saver" as I have. As a matter of fact, the title to your blog is what caught my eye - if it weren't for this site, I probably would've gone insane with this crazy world called "stepparenting" and everything involved with it.
I must say that I admire you and women like you. You call bullshyte when you see it. I love, love, love it!!!
You did the right thing. As many women here have taught me, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS trust your gut (especially in staying 1 step ahead of these crazy BM's). If your gut is telling you something is off, it's usually 100% accurate!! By you finding out the exW was the one emailing you - that was you listening to your gut and you were spot on!!
First off, what he's doing is lying. Lying simply takes many different forms - and the form he is using is called "lying by omission". My BF and I had this exact same problem in the very beginning of our relationship (we've been together 6.5 yrs, living together for 2 yrs.). Simple concept: If you're not telling something material to someone you love, especially when you're PURPOSELY not telling them for one reason or another, you're HIDING the truth = LYING BY OMISSION. You do NOT need to ASK about something for him to know to tell you about it. Once I "discussed" this with my BF in the beginning (translation: had many arguments about it & finally put my foot down), he understood and agreed with me. He does not even ATTEMPT to use the "it didn't concern you, that's why I didn't tell you" line. What a crock of shit. It's called setting BOUNDARIES with the exW - ESPECIALLY in the situation like yours where the exW wants him back!!!! Hello?!?!?
Secondly, I would've called bullshyte to the joint Christmas with the ex and the joint bday party, etc... also. They ALWAYS say it's "for the sake of the kids" - yeah, ok, sure... My BF, FROM DAY ONE, NEVER, EVER wanted to do a joint ANYTHING with his exW. The concept is called DIVORCE, people!!
Newsflash: You aren't doing the kids ANY FAVORS by pretending the family is still an intact, happy family when you do these joint parties, etc... with the ex!!! All you're doing is postponing the kids proper process of grieving the divorce (which is almost identical to grieving the death of someone you love, btw) - acknowledging that it happened, being in shock/devastated, being sad, being angry, denying that it's happening, all the steps of grieving, until eventually....acceptance and moving forward.
At the very least, it's an innocent mistake on the part of 2 people that don't want to see their kids hurting.
At the worst, it's an intentional way to "indirectly" still be able to see/communicate with an ex-spouse and having what seems like a completely reasonable excuse to do it.
Of course, there are situations where these joint party/holiday situations CAN work, but most of those are exceptions to the rule. Especially where there are YOUNG children involved.
Also, my BF rarely, if ever, went to parent-teacher conferences without me. As a matter of fact, he only went to about 1/2 of the parent-teacher conferences or so at all anyway. He felt that his exW, as the kids' MOTHER, was capable of going alone sometimes and that he trusted her to relay the info. back to him & vice versa - that HE could go alone sometimes & relay the info. back to her. It's called CO-PARENTING!! (They have 50/50 joint physical & legal custody of skids, btw.) Even in intact families, this happens VERY OFTEN - where only 1 parent (usually the mother) attends the parent-teacher conferences while the other parent stays home!!
In our situations, there were a few VERY RARE exceptions to this, where they would meet with the teacher at the same time (without me involved), like in the same room with dozens of other parents (never sitting anywhere near her) if there was some type of emergency or other important school issue. Also, as for any other school functions (i.e. concerts, sporting events, etc...), I was ALWAYS INVITED, ALWAYS BY HIS SIDE, never made to "sit home" because "I'm not the parent" - because he ALWAYS, ALWAYS included me in almost everything related to his kids.
Bottom line: it's called MUTUAL RESPECT - you either have it in your relationship...or you don't. Most all else is just pathetic excuses for bad behavior.
Not trying to be black & white here - I know sometimes there are exceptions to this general rule. I myself have gladly and gracefully "bowed out" of skid-related things when necessary (and when, in fact, they were purely skid-related), because I am a confident woman and know that there are certain situations that call for PARENTS to handle. I'm ok with that.
Sorry, BellaMia, didn't mean to "hijack" your post. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone. So glad you've decided to come here because you seem like a strong, intelligent woman. Breaking off your engagement was the right decision. Sometimes it takes more time to realize who someone REALLY is. I'm a strong believer in "if it's meant to be, it will be". I hope you will stick around this place - it's a great place with some wonderful, supportive people.
Oh, and enjoy your trip (former honeymoon), girlfriend!! You deserve it - ahhhh the sun, the sand, the quiet, the relaxation. Perfect way to spend some quality time on YOURSELF!!! lol
P.S. It's funny how it's "not your concern" when it's something HE thinks he can do that is wrong, but when it comes to the MONEY and FINANCIAL HELP that you've given him/his kids over the past 1.5 years, then suddenly OF COURSE he HAPPILY involves you in it. :sick: :sick: :sick: