Son started treating my wife (his step mom) like dirt
Me and my wife have been together for 5 years. Married a year ago. My son, around the time her and I got together. Was kept from me by his mother, who, stayed at her parents house 3 hours away. A large custody battle took place when I learned his mother, who had told me she was there with him, had left him there with her parents for 4 weeks. Her parents (I assume tainted at my image by my then ex-wife) would not hand over my son. Even sent a lawsuit to terminate PARENT child relation. Which of course after $16k in lawyer expenses, I won Sole Conservatorship over my son. My ex-wife and her parents were side by side through the whole thing. She then gave her standard visitation to her parents. And disappeared. Since my son goes to his grandparents like a normal visitation with parent. His mom has really just been in and out and in and out of his life. Which I can tell is taking a serious toll on his mental state. Despite having a very loving and structured home with me and my wife and her daughter and our youngest son together (whom he loves very much). This has been for 3 years. My wife has been in his life since really before he could walk. But was kept away. Recently, after one weekend with his grand parents. He started acting VERY nasty towards my wife. Not like mean aggressive or anything, just rude and not happy. I do not have the money for another trial and trying to have a talk to his grand parents about this is like talking to an alligator that hasn't eaten in 5 months. Does anyone have any advice? Is it that his mom is in and out of his life? I have no idea what to do.
First off you need to just
First off you need to just talk to him to see whats going on. Dont just assume. Then maybe look into therapy. But the one thing that is a MUST!!! YOU need to teach him that even if he is upset he can not and will not treat your wife with disrespect.
How old is he? Counseling.
How old is he? Counseling.
Wow I can't believe that even
Wow I can't believe that even after everything came out on court, all of this behaviour from you ex in laws still goes down. For shame on them. What does the court order say about engaging in communication with them or responding ?
I agree with the other poster. You need to have a chat with your son - first about what has happened to make him upset and then you need to talk to him about his behaviour. You could set up a thing that when he comes back to the house after being with his grand parents he can have a code that means he is sad and upset ( so the other children don't know) and then you and him go out the back and have a man to man chat just the two of you. We did this in the advice of a play therapist with my ss - he was withdrawn into himself for a while, you literally could not get a word out. Now if he wants to talk to dad about something, he says 'dad have I shown you the figs in the garden?' And they literally go sit in my partner porch and have a man chat, no ladies allowed lol! Point of note: I know it is ridic but it works for them. Maybe if he feels he can come back and tell you what is going on or being said to him there you can help him clear the air.
I do agree as well that he should prob have some therapy. It's hard to be through divorce on everyone and it's especially hard when he may have seen things he shouldn't have or heard things he shouldn't have. He should get an opportunity to work them out.
Further to this however, he can't behave rudely. That isn't allowed. He needs at all times to have respect for your partner and any other adults. You can tell him this is his warning, next time consequences. But FOR GOOODNESS SAKE FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CONSEQUENCES- I can point out a million posts on this site where step parents are internally screaming cause partner can't give a consequence.
I do think biodad is a hard place to be at; it upsets my partner something awful at times. Keep doing the best you can by your family !
None of us can tell you what
None of us can tell you what your son is going through but it's common here to read about how stepchildren rebel against their step parents because that person is better or cares more than their own bio parent. When the skids get old enough to notice how crappy their abandoning parent is then they lash out towards whomever they can and that usually a stepparent. No child wants to believe their other parent chose to leave them, they need a villian and with your ex in-laws whispering in his ear I'm sure they antagonized his hurt feelings into misplaced anger. Talk to him, ask him why he's been acting out towards your wife; point out all she's done for him and tell him he's very lucky to have a good stepmom. If he can't voice his anger then get him a therapist he feels comfortable with to help him work through it all.
Some very wise advice.
Some very wise advice.
I would bet he either had an
I would bet he either had an upsetting visit with his BM, or his grandparents put some kind of shit into his head about how the divorce was SM's fault, etc.
So just TALK to him. Ask what happened and why the sudden attitude? Agree to open up and answer any of his questions directly and honestly if he has some questions about what to believe. Give him some critical thinking skills to ferret out the truth if he is being told two differing stories.
I'm not sure why your thought process skips past a normal conversation and straight to taking your ex-in laws to court.
Thank you for the replies, I
Thank you for the replies, I guess I should have stated that both me and my wife have attempted to just have a very simple talk with him. But we cannot get anything from him by simply talking with him. Normally, even with my step daughter who is 8 I am able to sit and talk with her and get the actual truth during a talk than my wife can. I should state that my father died when I was 15 and I have a great history with step parents, my wife does not however. And like normal he acts much better with me than with her. However, just recently he is starting to act that way with me. Which has never happened before. And this is a child (Who is about to turn 6 in May) even tells his step mom that he wishes he came from her (birth wise). The court order states the grandparents must communicate with me on anything that concerns my son. But it is only enforceable if I have VERY STRONG evidence and go back to court. That would be the only way I could even attempt to force them to speak. Which, I personally do not want to do. I feel as going to court over this is like fighting for property. Regardless, I do know that the grandparents do NOT discipline. They act just as grandparents should you know in a normal sense. We on the other hand are pretty much old school. And we do discipline. Which I know is doing something because it could cause him to like them more because he gets away with more there than with us. Therapy is great and all but I also went through that myself and can tell you it really doesn't do anything. I hated going to the therapist. But I will attempt to try that. The problem is my wife takes his behavior straight to heart and gets emotionally hurt when he does this. I try my best to tell her please do not let it get to you because you need to be strong in his eyes. I am just lost as to what to do. I know a true fix to this would to get their visitation removed. Where they think I will try and keep him away from them. Which, I have thought about and honestly would be a good idea because they are horrible people. But I wouldn't simply because of my son. He loves them, and I wouldn't take that from him. But this 1, 3 and 5th weekend with revolving holidays is just making it worse.
Try talking to your son
Try talking to your son alone. If there is an issue with your wife he won't say it in front of her. It may be something he heard from his grandparents or BM so you need to dig down and find out what it is.
Counselling would be a great idea. Kids that age are going through a lot of changes and he is likely over-thinking everything. A neutral 3rd party might help him sort things out in his head.
In the meantime, be sure to remind him he must be respectful to your wife - his step-mom - at all times. Good luck.
When a child received
When a child received conflicting messages from their different homes, it causes endless problems. I can't stress enough how important it is to deal with this now before it gets out of hand. Find a play therapist who understand step life. You as a couple need to remain united and loving. Good luck.