Only Summer Visitation with SD
Hi. I have no friends that have my issues so I now come to all of you with my inner conflict. I really need advice from someone who is in the same boat as me. I have been quietly observing for the past two summers to see if I am in the wrong about my feeling and if I am making a big deal out of nothing. Am I?
I have a daughter that is six, a step daughter that is six and a 1 yr old daughter with my husband. My SD lives out of state and we only see her durning the summer months. Summer time with my SD is hard on every body. My main problem is how my BIO daughter is left out from my husbands side of the family all year and also when my SD is in town. I understand my husbands family wants to be with their granddaughter/niece because they do not see her all year as well. What I don't understand is how they only ask for my SD to spend the night with them when my BIO daughter is away for the weekend with her bio father. I have had numerous phone calls from his family and immediately they ask "is bio gone for the weekend?", Oh, can SD spend the night. They have never once called me on a weekend when I have all girls. Trust me, my BIO is the easier of the two. She is a helper and not wild like my SD. It doesn't bother me that she goes for over night visits but it would be nice if one of those visit included my daughter as well. Another problem is when my SD comes back from a sleep over she always has a new gift of some sort. It makes my BIO question 1. Why don't I ever get to spend the night at grandma/uncle/aunt's house? And 2. Why doesn't (step) grandma ever get me anything?. They are both 6 yr old girls and they are starting to realize that they are being treating differently. My BIO even asked her step grandma why do you always give stuff to A and not me. I was dumbfounded my daughter asked that question to her and her response was "you don't ask". My BIo daughter is never there to ask. Even as the year continues and my SD goes back home there is never a call for my daughter to come over and spend the day with my husbands family or spend the night. I have so much resentment against his family already because of all this over the past two summers. I do not look forward to my SD visiting for the whole summer and next summer will be the third and I know it will happen again. It gives me such anxiety. You might be wondering about our 1 year old daughter together. They treat the baby the same was as the treat my BIO daughter. I don't understand his family and neither does my husband. Every time I talk to my husband about this issue it just ends in a argument and he says its because they don't like me. I give up. Do I just turn my head and look away?
Hi, there... As a mother, I'm
Hi, there...
As a mother, I'm sure this is incredibly difficult for you.
However, your bioD isn't their family. Your SD IS. That's a very, very big difference. I highly doubt that you treat/love this child you see once a year the same as you treat your own 6 year old.
Your DH's family shouldn't be expected/pressured to spend equal/semiequal time with your daughter from some other fella. It would be really nice if they did, but they don't and that's ok.
Your SD is their family...and by your account they only get to see her a whopping one time a year. I'm sorry for your DD, but this is the way it is.
Many stepparents don't love/treat their stepkids as their own bios. Why are you expecting extended step-people to do it? They want to see SD...and spend time with her, and basically cram a year's worth of love and attention into one school break.
In truth, there should be a two whole sets of grandparents for your DD...yours and your ex's. THOSE are the people who should be doting/loving/hanging with your DD. If they aren't doing that, well, it sucks...but that isn't SD's problem.
Well I don't have kids of my
Well I don't have kids of my own, but I can give you a different point of view- my mother does nothing with my SD. She is nice to her when she sees her and she gets her a little gift for Christmas/Easter but she has never been alone with her and she sure as heck has never asked her to spend the night at her house. I would never expect her to do that. I know that when I have kids, she will be different with them because they will be her "real" grandkids. I actually never gave much thought to the way she was with SD until now, but I do not think she is wrong- SD is not her grandchild.
I have a question...Does your
I have a question...Does your DD's dad and his family see her and do things for her? If so, maybe you could explain to her that SD is visiting with her grandparents just like DD visits with her own. We've had to explain that to my skids before in a different situation. We get them EOWE and on Wednesdays. They used to get upset about DS getting new stuff when they weren't here. I explained to them that they have two homes, both of which they get stuff. He has one home, and it isn't fair for him to go without when they are getting new stuff at both places. They all said "Ooohhhh." They've never said anything about it again, and don't seem to get jealous about it, either. BTW, my skids are 6, 7, and 9. This happened a year ago. If BD's family is involved with her, try something like, "You know how Gma and Gpa do things with you? Well, SD's Gma and Gpa don't get to see her much, so they're trying to spend a lot of time with her right now." Then take her to do special mommy/daughter stuff when SD is with the grandparents. For her, she'll be getting to do something that SD isn't included in, so she probably won't focus on it anymore. Hopefully the grandparents will get better with your 1yo as she gets older. If not, then DH needs to definitely step up then.