The Problem
So, I have two children from a previous marriage and one child from the current relationship I'm in. My BF has a daughter who is 11. When she is around, I'm a total b****. I get frustrated and get anxiety attacks for no reason. She isn't a bad kid - BUT she shows off. It's mainly "look at what i got" or "did you know..." I really can't stand it. It might sound shallow, but her appearance also frustrates me. She's overweight, wearing a size 12 women's when she was 9. I'm overweight wearing a size 10 after 3 children and I'm only 5 feet tall. The BF and I had a child who is now 6 months and I still do not want to spend time with his daughter. I won't marry my BF because I have issues about what will happen to my income should we marry. His ex is remarried and has another child with her husband. She is currently pregnant again. She doesn't work, but puts her children in daycare. She puts my BFs daughter in a private school which he pays for. She puts my BFs daughter in sports camps which cost about $300/week and expects him to pay for half. Mind you, my BF and I rent. The Ex and her new hubby own two homes, just purchased a new SUV, own a Benz, and take trips - Disneyland (two times this year), Hawaii (once this year), and the Philippines (last month)....you get the picture....I don't want my income going to another child who has whatever she wants. I have two children from a previous marriage whom I support - no child support from their father who is in rehab after being arrested 3 times last year. What's the problem with me? I can't seem to accept her and that's the ONLY reason why we fight....it's always because of her. He wants to bring her to our house, which is fine with me. But I told him that he has that choice, just like I have the choice to leave should she stay with us on the weekends. So, he has been seeing her on the weekends at his parents' house which is an hour away (SD lives in same city as BFs parents).
Any suggestions or comments about my behavior or way of thinking?
It sounds like it may be
It sounds like it may be possible that you don't actually resent his daughter; you may resent what she represents to you. Just a theory, but do you think you may actually resent being in a relationship with your BF? Do you think you think that his ex may have gotten the "better end of the deal"? In other words, that they were together, created a daughter, & now she's "living the high life" with her new hubby & new money, & now you have your BF, are not as financially able, & have to take care & provide for their daughter as well? Maybe it isn't about the daughter at all but deeper than that. You said you are hesitant to enter into marriage because you don't want to entangle your finances with his (which makes sense). I think you should ask yourself some deep questions to figure out if this relationship is what you really want. I felt like I was in a somewhat similar state once, & I had to find the true root of my resentment. You aren't a bad person at all for having these feelings, just think it through...
Stepdaughters kissing my fiance
I need someones opinion. When I met my, at that time boyfriend, he would never show any type of affection in the presence of his 2 daughters (then 5 & 7). After about a year and a half into the relationship I began to speak on it, his response to me was that when he displayed affection toward a woman in the past with a kiss on the cheek, peck on the lips etc., his girls would look sad so he did'nt do it. I told him that their jealousy should not be condoned at which time he agreed and began to give me a peck on the lips in the presence of his children (now 8 and 10 years old) when we parted ways to go to work, etc. This public display of affection lasted for about a month when his daughters began to give him a peck on the lips prior to leaving for school in the mornings. I asked him what brought on this new found behavoir and he shrugged it off. I told him that it is my feeling that they now kiss him because of him kissing me. He told me that the thought that they kiss him out of them being jealous of him kissing me is "neurotic". He also said that they are too young to pick up on this and after almost 8 years of their lives are doing this out of sheer love NOT JEALOUSY! Am I wrong for resenting the fact that they are doing this because of me? Does anyone agree with me or is he right? Please someone tell me. I cannot help the way that I feel and this issue is causing a strain on our relationship. I do not have any biological children, am I being ridiculous?
MY SD is almost 6 years old.
MY SD is almost 6 years old. I remember when she was 3 or so and she wouldn't even let daddy sit on the couch with her to watch a movie. My Dh and I are very affection around our kids. I now watch her with her daddy. She crawls up in his lap to hug him and just sit with him to watch a movie. He gets so much joy from this. I think it started when we had our son and I think she was feeling left out because I have never forced kisses or hugs on her. Just let her do it on her terms. She sees us with our son and she wanted to be apart of this. Honestly, there is lots of love for everyone. She always kisses me good bye in the morning and says I love you. MY Dh doesn't have to tell her say it.
I say maybe try joining..family hugs or just let daddy enjoy. They grow up way to fast to miss out on those moments.