I agree with Sue. It doesn't matter how many other step families are happy - your relationship is not making you happy. Unless there is a drastic change of some sort that changes your/DH's outlook on life and your relationship, it will not change in the future. As examples (I tried to leave out judgment on the situations):

1.) Intact family - In-laws are majorly disrespectful to wife, even to the point of trying to set husband up on dates at family dinner while wife is present. Husband defends wife, but continues to go to the family functions because "they're my family, what am I supposed to do?" Wife finally gets fed up and kicks husband out. Husband allowed to come back to house in evenings and weekends to play with their 3 kids (all under age of 6). In counselling therapist tells Husband he needs to choose which family he is spending forever with, because his birth family are toxic to his wife and kids. Husband chooses wife, tells in-laws about his choice. No more disrespecting Wife. 2-3 years of no contact with in-laws. In-laws apologize and holiday visits resume. Any hint of disrespect to wife/kids and the whole family up and leaves. They've been married 38 years and still going strong.

2.)Step-family - DH was cheating on BM with SM. DH/BM have 2 kids, Boy17 and Girl15. Kids take it very poorly, start using drugs, huge drama. DH&SM married six months to the day after divorce is final. Boy(now 18) refuses to go, Girl15 spends entire wedding crying after being forced to come by DH. SM sends nasty letter to new MIL because during the separation MIL told DH off for sleeping with SM when he was still married to BM and forbid SM from entering her home until divorce was final. (DH was living with MIL at the time.) BM & Girl(now 16) move across the country. SM complains to MIL about CS/Alimony. BM gets remarried, ending alimony. Girl (now 17) gets arrested for drugs. DH brings Girl17 back to home state so he can keep an eye on her. DH/SM battle over Girl17 living with them, Girl is sent to live with Boy20 and his GF. DH/SM refuse to come to family holidays due to DH's brother suggesting DH is making mistakes with Girl17. Girl turns 18, tells DH/SM to eff off and goes across the country back to BM. Boy gets married, has 2 kids. DH/SM don't see gkids due to their own choice. DH gets sick. SM chooses to spend time DH is in hospital on a vacation with "the girls". DH complains to MIL that SM is always leaving him alone because he isn't physically able to keep up with her anymore and isn't allowed to drink (due to treatment for medical condition). DH also adds that his kids refuse to see him and blames SM/BM. Brother/Sister point out that DH made ugly choices. SM still complains about $ spent on the kids/gkids. SM doesn't want Girl in her home ever. SM tells DH's brother that she hates in-laws (including the brother she is talking to) because they did not respect her at the beginning of the relationship. They've been married 10 years, nothing about their marriage has changed, and the whispers of divorce have already begun.

3.) Step-family (mine) - You can read in my bio more about my family if you are interested. We have a strong marriage and are happy. The issues I am having have been there since the beginning, but are being exacerbated by teen hormones and poor parenting from BM spilling over onto our time. DH is supportive of me and we do our best to make our family work together. Very little has changed since we got married. We still have a lot of the same issues. Some of the things I complain about are little things DH won't change because it's not worth the fight. So I come on here and vent about those little things. The key thing is that I agree they are little things. I get the frustration out here and then forget about it. If our relationship hadn't worked in the beginning, then today it would not be working out. Especially with the crap storm our life is going through right now.

Please don't get married with the expectation that things will get better. No married (or divorced, honestly) couple that I know said that getting married changed anything. It's just a legal recognition of an existing relationship, not a magic wand to make everything better.

Hon.... mine is working cause I'm in it for SO not his brat, yes sometimes he puts her first, at first she was always first, but slowly she's not first anymore..... keep in mind we are way over our 40's and the brat is one year from leaving home..

If you are stil very young, then leave this relationship, find some one who will treat you right

IMHO for a blended family marriage to be successful the spouses have to make the marriage and each other the unequivocal priority. Kids, Xs, etc... can never take priority over the marriage or take priority over the spouses for each other.

Don't get me wrong. The top marrital responsiblity is any kids in the equation but never can kids take priority over the adult relationship at the heart of the family whether the family is blended or initial. PERIOD... DOT! Kids are always the top responsibility but never the top priority.

If your partner does not consider you an equity life partner and as an equity life partner does not consider you and equity parent to any kids in your marrital home (regardless of kid biology) then you are an outsider and will remain an outsider. If that is the case... I would not tolerate it were I you.

My wife, our son (my SS-24) and I are very close, had a reasonably normal family relationship for nearly his entire life, and I for one would not change a thing. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He asked me adopt him last year a few months before his 23rd birthday. We made that happen.

I am very confident that if the married couple in a blended family make each other the priority, are equity life partners, act as equity parents to any children in the equation, and work together to establish and enforce reasonable standards of behavior for kids in the mix then everyone can have a fulfilling and enjoyable blended family experience... for the most part.

All IMHO and experience of course.

Good luck.

I usually don't post replies because I am in no position to really give advice, I come here for it. But, I just wanted to tell you that in a way you are lucky to have found this site and are looking at this relationship logically. I wish I knew of this site back in the beginning of my relationship, if I had I believe things would have worked out differently. I don't really know your situation as far as how old the kiddos are, but I will say this, it only gets worse with age. I right now, am thinking of leaving. I love my Husband to death, he is an honorable, loving and family man. But he has a problem with being consistent and really parenting his daughter. We have her all the time, her mother is not in her life at all, so I have no break. I envy Stepparents that at least get that. It is not easy, it is very hard. I honestly believe that we have made it this far because I am so darn stubborn.

I too feel like an outsider, not because I am not put first, but because I have to lock things up, constantly look over my should, so to speak. It is not how a home should be. Just the other day I had a drink by the sofa, I get up to stir the food and when I come back SD13 is setting it back down, I had to throw it away, why? Because I don't know what she did to it, spit in it, put something in it? Who knows, and it makes me angry to have to live like that in my own home. Most wouldn't or just couldn't do it.

I wish you luck with your decision, because I believe the only families that make this the long haul is the ones that the Bio parents step up and demand respect of their children towards their SO. Not to do so is not only letting the children disrespect us, it is our SO also disrespecting us, and for me that is even worse. Not to mention feeling like a horrible person because we cannot stand a child. It will chip away at you and make you feel like a worthless person. That is were I was at when I found this site, I had lost myself completely, then I learned that it is normal and many feel the same way. Again good luck in whatever you decide....

It will be what you make of it. Things can change once the stepkids and ex's are a non factor. In my case, I suffered 10 years of bs. Feeling like an outsider in my own home. Feeling like I was competing with my stepkids and their mom for attention. It took DH a LONG TIME to establish boundaries with his kids and their mom. The whole thing was a long drawn out process. During that time, I did want to escape and I did in my own way. Disengaged, did drugs, had an affair, a whole bunch of things I regret doing that were extremely self destructive, (minus the disengagement, that had to be done). I allowed my situation to truly make me depressed and turn me into someone I'm not. Took a long time to dig myself out of my own hole of depression and took even longer to work on my marriage. Our marriage reached a breaking point and we separated and I felt a huge weight lifted off me and immense relief, but at the same time it just didn't feel right. Something in me was telling me not to give up and to fight for my marriage. once DH and I both got over our own pride issues, we both made the decision to fight for our marriage and work it out. Best decision ever. It took a lot of work, blood, sweat and tears but it was most definitely worth it. I'm glad I listed to my inner voice. We stuck it out and guess what? All his kids are out of our house. 2 of them are grown adults and moved away and his youngest was sent off by both his parents to live with relatives across the country. Now that his kids are not living with us and the only minor child isn't even living with his own mom, we rarely have to deal with BM. Our house is peaceful. DH loves it, he realizes how draining his side of the family was because now that they are not around, he is at peace. Now we both do our best to protect the peace in our home. After 10 years of being together and 7 years of marriage, we are expecting our own children, TWINS in the spring. Its a dream come true. My situation probably isn't too common in blended families, but maybe it is. A lot of the drama falls off once the stepkids and BM no longer affect the day to day routine. I can tolerate them on holidays and I'm just thankful that's all I have to tolerate.