SD constantly following DH around
Does anyone else have this issue and what, if anything, do you do about it?
First let me say DH and I have been together 4 years & married 2 years so I'm not a new girlfriend or something. SD is 6 and we have her full time.
SD is constantly following DH around. I mean from the time she gets home from school until the time she goes to bed. DH and I can't be alone in a room for more than about 30 seconds before she comes in. She has always been like this but I thought when she got a little older & got used to me that it would get better.
She never goes off to play or anything. It's not like she hardly ever sees DH either because we have her full time.
Any suggestions? I don't want to be mean & tell her to go away but damn can I get 5 minutes alone with my husband?!
Are there any other kids in
Are there any other kids in the neighborhood?
Try to find her a play date... or
Drive her to the end of the block and dump her. Tell her to find her way home.
Jk. DONT Take my advice.
I am also having the same problem but everything I suggest her dad rejects.
LOL!
LOL!
Why is it mean to tell a kid
Why is it mean to tell a kid to go play? Your man can tell her this and so can you.
Are you both showering her with attention when she's in the room with you?
I'm highly introverted, and I realized it when my son was maybe 4-5. I was feeling overwhelmed every day coming home after dealing with an open-door policy at work...which meant that I would see/talk to at least 50 students/staff daily "popping in" to my office whenever they felt like it. Then I'd return the day's phone calls (from my side business) on the way to the daycare to pick up my son, and when he got in the car he would be so happy to see me that he would want to TALK, TALK, TALK. Accccckkkkkk.
I explained to my son that I needed some "me-time" after I get home from work. Before making dinner...you can expect Mommy will be AWOL for at least a half an hour. I need to recharge so I can be a better Mom. It took a little while, but he got it. And now, he gets lost in his own imaginary world as well. Not sure if it's genetics or what, but he will say, "I'm just playing with my toys." Or "I need some alone time." His imagination is wild - and that can only be developed ALONE. It's good for kids to learn to amuse themselves.
When SO and I moved in, I also let BS - 8 at the time - know that we need "couple time" when SO gets home from work. He knows not to bug us for at least 30 minutes. (Yes, that's an hour of "off-duty" time total each night. BS gets well over 2 hours of happy mom attention each night.)
Kids can be trained. Question is... is Daddy gonna train her or are you?
fuck....that...... I had to
fuck....that......
I had to deal with this too with Princess Boy...I finally snapped...
your DH is raising a child to be HIGHLY dependent on an adult by her side at all times...this is NOT good...your DH needs to cut the cord and make this child have "play" time...away from all adults....
Ugh, I agree! SS7 does this,
Ugh, I agree! SS7 does this, too. He's up DH's ass 24/7 when we're at home. He doesn't play much with the other kids and sticks to DH's side wherever he goes. He can barely go in the bathroom by himself, and sometimes SS7 stands outside the door just to be near him! It's annoying as hell.
I can't have a conversation with DH without SS7 horning in and taking over the discussion. I also can't make a damn meal if DH is in the kitchen because then SS7 is right there getting in the way, trying to take over the meal preparation, too. I eventually get so sick of it that I leave the room and let DH and his mini-me make the meal since they obviously don't need my help. DH gets upset and asks me why I don't want to spend time with him. Well hell, how can I with that appendage you've got following you around like a damn shadow, taking over anything and everything I try to get done?!
I wish he'd just go play, or read a book, or something - ANYTHING. But no. He's right there all. The. Time!
I don't think it's healthy, either. This kid's gonna stay stuck to DH like glue and he'd better not end up living in our basement till he's 40, either.
The thing I hate most is trying to cook. Like I said, I usually just get so frustrated that I give up and go find someplace else to be, but if I try to do anything, SS7 will literally take the spoon or whisk or spatula or whatever out of my hand and TAKE OVER. "Let me HELP, ncgal! Give me that spoon. Let me pour that! Uh oh, I made a mess. Ncgal, I need you to get some towels and wipe that up. I'm gonna put this in the oven. WHY AREN'T YOU LETTING ME DO IT NCGAL??!!"
For fuck's sake...
Then when I storm off in a huff, DH asks me why I won't let SS7 help. "He's just trying to spend time with you!" he says. No, he's not. He's trying to run me off so he can have DH all to himself, and damn if it doesn't work. UGH.
ncgal, I am with you on the
ncgal, I am with you on the cooking! That is one of the things that irritates me most too. I used to enjoy cooking but now that we have SD full time (used to be EOW so at least I got some relief back then), I can't cook 1 meal in peace. She is always right in the kitchen wanting to help. I mean I get it- I remember being a kid and wanting to be in the kitchen "helping" my dad- but DH has to realize, like it or not, she's not my child & sometimes I just need a little bit of SPACE!
I do have certain times that I plan for her to be in the kitchen because I know she likes that kind of stuff. I buy cupcakes & brownies & things like that & we make them together. But when I just got off work & am trying to get dinner done, get the hell out of my way!! }:)
My SD did that until just
My SD did that until just about 2 years ago, and she is now 10. I hate to say to just get used to it, but unless you want to push your DH to try and make her more independent, I don't know what else to tell you.
I tried to ignore it while she was with us, which was half of the time you have with your SD. I hinted at doing things differently a few times, but I probably would've flipped if we had her full-time and he didn't take any action to curb that behavior!
If he's like my DH, he eats
If he's like my DH, he eats up that attention and isn't about to do anything to stop it.
Just last night, we had a thunderstorm, and SS8 whined and cried like a two-year-old. "Daddeee I'm scaaaared. Pwease sit with me Daddeeee. Pwease Pwease Pwease?"
DH won't tell him to suck it up and go to sleep. No. He sat up with SS8 last night until about 11:00 because SS8 said he was too scared of the "thunderboomies" (yes, he actually called it that) to be alone.
He's the most immature kid I've ever met in my life. He's 8 (almost 9) but talks and acts like he's not even in preschool yet. He has this annoying baby-talk way of communicating that makes me CRAZY.
DH loves that SS8 "needs" him so much. He says it makes him feel good that his kids need him as much as they do. Nah, that's no recipe for disaster as they get older. They love being helpess, and DH loves that they're so helpless. He's not raising ADULTS. He's raising lifelong KIDS.
Then DH comes in the bedroom looking for some "special" time with me after staying in SS8's room until 11:00 last night. I'm like, are you freaking serious? Ugh. Good night, DH.
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be able to handle that full-time!
My SD does that and she is
My SD does that and she is 15!!!!!
im glad that method worked
im glad that method worked for you, but in my case, it made it much much worse....if PB doesn't get Lord Dumbass's full attention 24/7 then it's on!!!!!
SS7 is getting really good at
SS7 is getting really good at running me off, and it takes less and less time to do it every week they're with us. He knows now exactly what to do and say to piss me off to the point that I leave DH and him alone. DH seems to think I should enjoy SS7's clinginess as much as he (DH) does, and he truly can't understand why it aggravates me as much as it does.
Trust me, if either of my kids did that with me, he'd hate it, too! He needs to be grateful that my kids aren't like that, but he doesn't.
Too bad one of your kids
Too bad one of your kids doesn't do that to him so that he would know what it feels like... }:)
Maybe try following HER
Maybe try following HER around everywhere for an entire day. Be right in her face. Interrupt her when she's chatting with Daddy. Be like her shadow. Then when she starts whining about you, then explain to her that's what it's like with you and her Dad. You need some space to be alone together - some quiet time.
She needs to learn how to entertain herself instead of being taught that others will do it for her. Something your DH needs to step up and stop now.
Haha, that's an idea,
Haha, that's an idea, IslandGal! Give her a taste of her own medicine!
Heh! I should do that with
Heh! I should do that with SS7 some time. "Here, give me that pencil. Let ME draw that picture, SS7! Give me your paper. Give it! WHY AREN'T YOU LETTING ME HELP SS7???!!"
I bet it'd blow his tiny little mind... }:)
Same story with me. We
Same story with me. We stepped outside one time to talk about something in private, not two minutes later, two annoying faces pressed against the window. They can't be left alone, like they think they will perish. DH told me that was the way he and BM raised them, they were never left alone, even just in their own rooms for any length of time. Uggghhhhh. When I was little, the only time I had to be glued to my parents like that was when I was being punished for something.
I can tell that my skids
I can tell that my skids aren't used to being left alone, either. The two older skids are getting better about it (well, the oldest one is, not so much the middle skid), but SS7 refuses to leave DH's side 99.9% of the time.
I taught my kids from an early age to play independently and to enjoy time to themselves. My younger son's a bit of a loner and just wants to sit and draw or play without much interference, but he's sort of a quiet, reflective kid. He'll play with the others, but he still needs time to himself. My older son gets tired of the two older skids hanging all over him (sometimes literally) and not giving him a minute's peace. I've told him repeatedly that any time he needs time to himself, and if the skids won't let him have it, that he's to come to me, and I'll make sure that he gets it. I'll keep them off him if that's what he wants.
They don't know how to entertain themselves and expect someone else to handle that for them, because that's all they've known their entire lives. I don't understand parents who choose to raise their kids this way.
When I was growing up, I was always outside unless it was raining. I'd come in for lunch or dinner, but beyond that, I entertained myself and never expected my parents to do it for me. We lived out in the middle of nowhere and had no neighbors, and my older brother never wanted to do what I wanted to do, so I just played by myself, which was fine by me. I raised my kids to be able to do the same, and I'm more glad now than ever that I did that, seeing the results of doing otherwise.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for replying!
So to answer your questions, there are some kids in the neighborhood but SD doesn't know any of them because she goes to school in MIL's district- DH has to be at work at like 6am some days so he drops SD off with MIL to have her put on and off the bus, then picks her up after work- convenient but now she has no friends in the neighborhood because of it.
I don't shower her with attention or anything. Recently, I have actually just been kind of ignoring her hoping if she doesn't get the attention, she will just go off & do something but nope! Not working. DH doesn't really shower her with attention, but he has never told her to go play or anything either. So he is reinforcing her behavior I guess.
Here's an example- last night, she was following DH around as usual and he was cooking on the grill so he was running in and out of the house grabbing utensils, cheese, etc. Every single time he came in, she was right behind him & when he went back out, so did she. It was becoming obnoxious quick so I said something about it & DH replied "she's helping me." Umm, no. There was not 1 single thing in her hand & she was not helping in any way. I don't mind her going out & being out there with him while he's grilling, but to follow him in and out about 10 times???
I totally agree it's not healthy. I have told DH before he is raising her to be dependent and unable to entertain herself.
I think what I'm going to propose to DH is that every day when we get home from work, we spend 1 hour alone. SD has her own room AND a play room, a play set out back, dogs, etc. There is plenty for her to do to stay occupied. I don't see why someone has to constantly entertain a 6 year old.
This is seriously driving me insane!! I just feel anxiety coming home from work every day.
Edited to add: AND we are ttc! How the hell are we supposed to make a baby when there's a freakin 6 year old attached to his hip??!
If you're ttc, have you given
If you're ttc, have you given any thought to how SD6 is going to handle that? I don't know, but I doubt she'd be very happy about it.
Lol well she says she wants a
Lol well she says she wants a brother or sister but I have a feeling she will be really jealous. BM has 2 other kids but it's a little different because SD is hardly ever with BM. She normally only sees her on Saturdays. Honestly though, I don't really care how she takes it. I don't have any bios and I would never give up on being a mother for fear of how SD (or anyone else) might take it.
That's actually another reason I've been pushing DH to put an end to SD's behavior lately. I was reading up on it & every article I read says DH needs to do it now, not when baby is born because that will make SD even worse.
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't put off having a baby because some precious little spoiled brat wouldn't like it. DH and I would love to have a baby together, but I'm "spayed" and can't have anymore. Plus we already have five total. I just can't see adding another one to the mix.
Your DH should be working to stop SD6's clingy behavior anyway, but letting him know that it needs to be done before a baby is born is a good enough reason to maybe make him want to change things! I hope so, anyway, for your sake!
Yeah, if I already had bios
Yeah, if I already had bios it might be different, I am not sure. But I have none so it's not even an option. We talked about it before we got married because I knew for sure I didn't want to take care of someone else's kid & not have any of my own. I just couldn't do it.
DH even carries SD out to the car in the morning. I told him "when we have a baby, you're going to be carrying the baby in the morning, not the 7 year old so you better start getting her used to it now!"
What?! He carries her to the
What?! He carries her to the car? What on earth for? Does he have a reason for doing this? I'd love to hear it.
DH still bathes his 7- and 8-year-olds. I told him that in my opinion, it's not only unnecessary, it's getting into creepy, inappropriate territory.
If he doesn't bathe them, they just sit in the tub and whine over and over, "Daddeeee!!! Waaaasssshhhh meeeee!!! I can't doooo it!" until he gets sick of it and goes in there and does it. It's disgusting.
UGHH!! I agree with you-
UGHH!! I agree with you- bathing an 8 year old is borderline creepy/inappropriate.
I don't know what the reason is that DH carries her to the car in the morning lol I guess he feels bad that she has to get up extra early to go to MILs (because DH has to be at work so early) so he just picks her up & carries her out instead of making her get up and walk *puke*.
I tell him all the time, she needs to wake up in the morning, brush her teeth/hair, get dressed, and walk out to the car. He puts way too much on his mom dropping SD off to her still asleep, not dressed, not ready for school AT ALL. It's ridiculous.
OMG DH did that with his up
OMG DH did that with his up until last year, they were 8 and 9. BM actually put a stop to it. Daaadddyyyy, which one is the shampoo??? Daaadddy..... wash my hair!!
Gave me chills. And nausea. :sick:
1. I love your name hahaha 2.
1. I love your name hahaha
2. My SD is 6 & this is still happening (the bathtime issues) so I can only hope DH puts an end to it soon because I do think it's a little inappropriate to be bathing an 8 year old. Especially nowadays, girls are developing at a younger age & it's just... gross.
Currently, DH turns the water on for her & she calls him when the tub starts getting full to turn the water off (I understand him turning it on to make sure it's a good temp, but turning it off? Can't she just turn the freakin knob??) Every time I hear her call him to turn the water off, I yell "turn the knob!" Seriously! Can you be any more dependent?? He also has to wash her hair for her. I believe she is perfectly capable of doing all these things, but wants the attention & daaaaaaaaaaaaddy is happy to give it to her & enable her dependency.
Our SD goes to BM's school
Our SD goes to BM's school district, so most of her friends are over there. BUT, we have introduced her to our neighbors' kids and sometimes she has them to play with.
Can you do this, or are the kids in your neighborhood not near her age?
They look a little bit older
They look a little bit older than her, but it's worth a shot at this point. I have friends with kids but they don't live close enough to just pop over on a weeknight for a play date. But I definitely need to either find her a friend or an after school activity!
My SS is 12 and does the same
My SS is 12 and does the same with DW. It drives me crazy that when we are arguing he is around the corner listening. If my wife takes space from me he will go off with her and play the baby. Im over it.