sd wrapped around dh's finger

Forums:

I am wondering if anyone can relate to this situation:

sd is 12 yrs. old. I treat her as I do my own 2 kids... but she is put on a pedestal by my dh. She can do NO wrong.
She is my dh's only bio child... his "little princess", and b/c of this, I feel that my dh sees reality through rose colored glasses.

For example, my dh will get on to my kids for not doing a certain thing that they are told (chores, etc) but will not hold her to the same accountability for those same things... I do my best to hold ALL of the kids to the same standard. Her room is in a constant state of disarray, and I am not talking about a few things here and there, I am talking about it being down right disgusting (bugs are starting to nest). We have chores and house rules laid out that all of the kids must follow, but her room is never clean for more than 5 minutes. It got so bad one time that I took trash bags in there and put everything that was on the floor in them.....when I bring this up to dh, he will tell her to clean it up, but she will half ass it. I have gotten to the point of letting it go because it's not worth the fight anymore.

Also, she is incredibly spoiled. There isn't a thing the she doesn't have. He will buy her a new pair of shoes literally like every week. She doesn't appreciate anything she has, which explains the lack of care for her things and her room.

She has her own phone with complete access to the internet. She can look at anything with no monitoring.
My kids are not allowed this privilege.
He allows her to stay up as late as she wants to on weeknights.

During the times that she is in the wrong and is punished by dh, the tears start flowing, and he falls for that crap. I'm in the next room about to gag... I see right through it. She can manipulate him on a whim.

My 2 kids are very aware of this and do not understand it.
My kids have been through a whole lot...having to deal with many losses and changes that would take another post to explain, but this has caused them to act out at times. It has taken a lot of therapy to get them back on track.
I can't help but feel like my kids are sometimes the "bad" kids, while his little girl is "the perfect princess", at least in his eyes. I know that the love that one has for their own bio kid will always be different from the love of a step kid, but it irritates me that he outwardly puts her on a different level than my kids. it's like my kids are inferior to his daughter.
Don't get me wrong, for the most part, we have a great blended family, and we have A LOT more positive than there is negative, this is just one of my struggles at times.

I just get so irritated with the "hold" she has on him and how she is able to manipulate things to her favor. She does it SO well. I just want to tell her, "I am on to you little girl".

And,yes, I have talked to dh about this, but he just doesn't see it.

dh and his ex have 50/50, but

dh and his ex have 50/50, but she is over here more, probably about 75-80% of the time.

I think that part of the

I think that part of the issue too, is that despite her manipulation, and her hold on dh, that she is a good kid in other ways...she gets really good grades, stays out of trouble, is caring, and because of this, he feels like he needs to "cut her slack", and excuse her.
but I don't agree, I feel like she needs to be held to the same accountability, regardless.

I try, beleive me

13, 9, 12

NO, I said in my post that I

NO, I said in my post that I KNOW that the love one has for their bio child is not the same as for skids. I do not expect him to love my kids as much as he loves his own, but I DO, however,expect them to be treated the same when it comes to family expectations (rules, etc)

My kids are DH's bios and he

My kids are DH's bios and he has separate standards compared with SD, and SD is here at least 50% of the time.

The "right" thing to do would be to sit down and make rules for everyone, we tried that, multiple times. It boils down to that my DH has no interest in being SD's dad, he wants to be her BFF. Personally, I think she ought to live with her mom most of the time. Her mother and stepdad truly take care of her, discipline her, and really encourage most of her "good" qualities... but she wants to be here for obvious reasons, no rules, no standards, no boundaries with a BFF dad that she can control. So she's here most of the time.

So this is how I cope,

I do let DH correct our kids, I try not to point out the hypocrisy, but sometimes it's just too much to hold in, however, I figure at least our kids are less likely to be giant screw ups as adults this way.

I gave up on trying to make SD a better person. I let SD have all the electronics and internet access she wants, all the junk food she wants to eat, then she pretty much holes herself in her room and I don't have to deal with her or her complaints about anything.

I do not correct SD unless it affects me or our kids, then it's fair game.

I rarely take SD out in public, because DH has zero expectations for her behavior in public, but a million for ours.

I do not treat the kids equally, I make sure my kids are being extra rewarded for doing more chores, for cleaning up after their sister's messes, and just for being pleasant people to be around, in general. However I don't try to spoil them as SD is spoiled, with junk food and electronics... I take them on educational vacations and outings, museum memberships, I'm involved in what they're doing, I cook them healthy food. I spoil them with love and caring... oh and after letting the soul sucking SD rope go... I have so much more time and energy for my own kids.

If my kids question any of it, all I have to tell my kids is I'm not SD's mother, I don't make rules for SD, and they get it.

I figure if she does turn out to be a screw up adult, our kids will be practically grown, and if need be, I can separate from DH at that time, and let DH continue his role as BFF superhero to his grown princess.