SD7 treating me differently lately...
So a little background, I've been a stepparent for 4 years to my SD7 and my husband and I have a toddler son and a baby girl on the way. First year of marriage consisted of my husband trying to get visitation with his daughter after BM moved her half way across the country.. And after thousands of dollars spent and BM attempting every way possible to not allow him to see his daughter (for her own selfish reasons) he finally got everything he asked for and more. I have had no issues with my SD at all, if there's any frustrations it is usually with BM. We've decided she's miserable with her life so she's determined to make ours hell when she can... However that has toned down a lot, thankfully. Needless to say BM hates me because... Well I'm not sure why. But she does. I'm cordial with her and will be friendly when I speak to her but I keep contact to a minimum. She's a backstabber, and frankly, I don't want or need someone like that in my life.
All that being said, when SD7 came to visit this summer she acted a lot different. Some I think is due to her age. But the first couple weeks she did everything possible to exclude me from stuff. It's all silly things, but she's never done that before. She says little comments about how much better her daddy is than me at games or things like "daddy smells better than you". Lol typing that makes me laugh, so like I said it's silly little things. It's not what she says that bothers me it's the reason behind it. She all of a sudden doesn't like me! We've had a great relationship up until this summer. Anyone have experience with this? Is it Jealousy? I'm beginning to wonder if her mother is saying stuff negatively about me. Either way it's making her being here for the summer very difficult!
Yea I'm beginning to think
Yea I'm beginning to think that also... Which is really sad. I just don't understand how she could hate me for doing nothing! I understand it's jealousy, but after so long give it a break...
Funny you mentioned the aunt-type relationship. I often refer to my relationship to her as such. I care a lot for her and hope her mother isn't damaging her. We only have her a few weeks out of the year and summer break. And of course phone calls or video (if BM allows it) every week. Thanks for the encouragement
"hate me for doing nothing"
"hate me for doing nothing" -- yeah, welcome to stepmotherhood. That's exactly why we all found this board.
Lol truth!
Lol truth!
It will most definitely get
It will most definitely get worse. The older she gets, the worse it will be. "Dad smells better" at 7 will become "you stink" at 12 and four letter words at 15. The hostility will also soon be aimed at your biological children.
Dad must show that in this house we are kind at all times. He must be firm in this. Do NOT laugh it off as a 7 year old's silliness. It is not. It is active PAS by the BM and it is budding malice from the child, malice that is being nurtured by BM.
You should also make sure you set firm boundaries for yourself. When she says something unkind, call her out on it. Set some kind of consequence. Just make sure she knows that it doesn't fly here. Whether dad is watching or not.
My stepdaughter turns 16 this weekend. She is a nightmare. Someone should have taken the reins on her when she was 7. She was already a nightmare at 12 when I met her. I've watched it get worse and I've saved myself and saved ss13 when I can. DH has had to learn a lot but he has a long way to go. The girl is now failing school, few (none that a real) friends, and is overly merged into a co-dependent boyfriend. Someone should have been firm when she was 7, instead of thinking of her always as cute or harmless.
Thanks for the insight. It's
Thanks for the insight. It's nice to hear other people share their experiences. The first week she was here when I started to notice little things I mentioned to my husband and he addressed what he noticed. At first I was somewhat hands off (for fear I'd get backlash from her mother) but quickly realized that was the wrong answer. As soon as I asserted myself with her (like my own child) things improved a little. And she has seemed to adjust better now. But there's only 2 weeks left now.
Thankfully my husband is very supportive and sees what's going on. He thinks BM is persuading her to dislike me and the time she has here.
I agree with Annith. I used
I agree with Annith. I used to have a great relationship with my SD5. But last year, when BM's 'tactic' to interfere with SO's parenting time failed and actually resulted in SO getting MORE time... BM is PASing SD in a passive aggressive way, rather then directly saying to SD "your dad and MamaDuck are awful hateful people" it's more "I wish I could come see your room at dads house, but I don't think MamaDuck likes me and wont let me see it", BM cries her eyes out in front of SD and tells her she's so so sad because SO and I upset her, shit like that.
I'd bet a million bucks that your BM has changed tactics too because she lost.
Yes, exactly what I'm
Yes, exactly what I'm thinking. The passive aggressive thing is ridiculous. And only damaging the child!
She's adjusted quite well to
She's adjusted quite well to her siblings. BM has a younger child and she really seems to enjoy being a big sister. She's also extatic about finally having a little sister in the fall. DH only sees her a couple times a year due to them living across country. And when she's not here he talks to her on the phone and videos when BM allows it. Whatever it is... I wish things were different grrr
I also think she feels she
I also think she feels she has to choose based off BM's attitude and her not encouraging a relationship with DH and especially not myself. BM only does things because she's court ordered. I honestly don't think she cares about nurturing her children into productive adult citizens.
I think BM thinks it's a popularity contest... But she's the only one playing. I feel as if her daughter will be the only one losing on this, like you say. It breaks my heart.
Ok, I have to ask. Does Dad
Ok, I have to ask. Does Dad wear an aftershave or cologne that really does smell good? Is it possible Dad really does smell pleasant rather then you don't smell as good? No, I'm not saying you stink, but the little girl didn't say you stink or you smell bad either. She said Dad smells better. I wouldn't automatically think BM told her you smell. Now had the kid said 'I don't like you', or 'I didn't come to visit you'? Yeah, BM all over it.
Do you and SD's sibling do the online chat/face to face with SD some throughout the year as Dad does? If not, is it possible she is just growing closer to Dad as she gets to communicate more often? I'm just tossing the thought out just in case her change has an innocent reason. You are there. You know how in under what circumstances the skid said/acted the way she is, I don't . I'm just giving you something to consider while you continue to observe her during the visit.
No exactly, i thought about
No exactly, i thought about those things also. Because i was kind of shocked at her response to me the initial few weeks she was here. She used to be so loving towards me and really enjoyed being around me. But now it's different.
) she was doing a "feet check" in her own words pen and construction paper in hand... She was going around staring at us and making check marks in different columns one was 'stinky' and the other was 'awsum' and my son and husband apparently smelled awesome (keep in mind no smelling was involved) and I was in the stinky column lol made me laugh. But after that weeks events of her telling me how much worse I am at everything than her father I thought maybe it had some meaning behind it. I'm not saying her mother is calling me smelly lol I'm just wondering if the undertone of hBM's conversations with her daughter is negative towards me. Which wouldn't surprise me at all given that she disdains me.
This will sound ridiculous as I explain it lol so bare with me. but no DH doesn't wear after shave or Cologne (unless it's date night of course
That is effing rude and if I
That is effing rude and if I had done something like that at 7, my parents would have smacked me in the back of the head and made me apologize. They would also probably make me wash everyone's shoes, too. Since I thought my feet smelled so much more "AWSUM"
The bm in our life actually
The bm in our life actually refers to me as "the mole" and to my dh as "Mr Pig" or "idiot features" to my sd11 face.as well as a whole pile of other revolting comments. We meet these head on with facts and critical questions, sd11 can see her mums tactics for what they are ,she says bm is jealous, being mean, and a liar and now she doesn't want to visit with her. So bm's attempt to alienate are indeed working but she's alienating her daughter from herself.
That's very interesting.
That's very interesting. Thanks for posting your approach. We struggle all the time with how to respond/not respond to BM's misinformation on her end.
I really wish I knew what I
I really wish I knew what I know now about how difficult being a Step parent could be. I would have made a rule a long time ago never to date someone with kids.... or at least kids with a psychotic BM. This crap isn't easy. And frankly, i'm tired of dealing with it already. DH and I got into an argument this morning after i shared with him my heart regarding how tough it is to be a stepparent and how even more thankless of a job it is than being a parent. (leaving that open for discussion.. i'm curious what everyone else's thoughts on that is)
So in different words he basically said that i'm a horrible person for feeling that way and that' i'm selfish.... wow i feel great now.
I sacrifice a lot for SD, only to get slapped in my face day in and day out because she wants nothing to do with me. Which i got it, parents sacrifice things. duh, it's part of parenting.. but hell, i don't get an 'i love you' or 'thank you' or little pictures she draws.. nothing. because DH and my son are soooo much better than me apparently. I'm sick of it... I'm the one who plans all of our little outings and vacations. I make dinner every night, and then with that because it's not fried crap or fast food she hates it. Which I'm so f-ing tired of hearing. Ungrateful child. Apparently that's what they eat a lot of at BM's house. Which again isn't entirely her fault.but it still pisses me off. After being on my feet all day and being pregnant makes it a little harder, last thing i want to do is come home and cook dinner, but i do it because my family needs to eat and I like taking care of them. but then she makes a comment on how she doesnt like it. or she'll pick at it with a scowl on her face. It honestly makes me want to throw the food in her face.
I just need to vent. but i've had it. I can't wait until she goes home in a couple weeks, then i can have my household back to normal. I feel absolutely horrible saying that, which is mostly why i feel so conflicted .But it's the truth.
Uggggghh! I hate being a stepmother!
Everything you say is
Everything you say is entirely normal and common feelings.
1. Never let a spouse imply you are a terrible person. Call him out. What kind of a wretched man is he that wants to be married to a terrible person? If he believes what he just said why isn't he packing his bags right now? He will start back tracking and be more careful in future about calling you names.
2. My sd loved to insult my food. I told dh the rule in my house had been anyone who complains gets the privilege of doing the dishes. He has never been willing to go that far but he does call her out for that now and she has learned not to do it for the most part. Not a smooth road but I was certainly willing to stop cooking at all if he didn't try. I also went through a phase where I wanted to dump a pot on her head or put a bag of candy and box of crackers on her plate to save myself the trouble. If your dh won't make this a rule, do what jaspercat says below, just cook for the nice people: you and your OWN children. My dh was quite unhappy that I might stop cooking, yours likely will be, too. But if he isn't, you still win.
BTW, in 3 years now I've
BTW, in 3 years now I've still never seen speshul snowflake do a single dish for any reason whatsoever. She's 16.