Hello, thank heavens for this site! How validating that it's not just me having issues. So this is my first post and it's the issue I am currently facing and having anxiety about. I don't want to write an essay but I do need to explain my situation before I ask for your opinion/advice. So here's the facts:

-I have been with my partner for 2.5yrs

-I have a 3yrd old and a 6yr old

-He has a 7yr old, 12yr old, 14yr old and 16yr old

-His BM is in an abusive relationship although she is in denial - there was an incident a few months into my relationship where the police was involved and since that point; social services have also been involved. BM refuses to let go of this cretin and has shown time and time again that she puts him and his needs above her children; leaving me and my partner to pick up the pieces.

-It was ok for a time as for the first year, her bf wasn't allowed to be around the children or her house but once that restricton was lifted, it only took just over a week before the police was called out again. It took several incidents before I pushed my partner to take the kids full time.

-Since just after halloween 2023 we have had all the children living with us; it has been a massive struggle and put a huge strain on our relationship as there are now 8 of us living in a 3 bedroom terraced house!

-Aside from this situation the BM believes that she and my partner are still friends. She is quick to get on the defense about anything she doesn't like and therefore my partner has not wanted to rock the boat by telling her otherwise as he feels very different! She contacts him almost everyday; if it is about the kids, then I don't have a problem but many times it is to rant or tell him how her rotten bf is doing with AA etc and it's stuff we neither need or want to know! She seems to be constantly hovering over us/me no matter which way I turn. She's either on the phone to him or on the phone to one of the kids.

-In the beginning of our relationship I thought it was quite good that they stayed so amicable for the sake of the children but now it just feels like I need her to back off. I get on with her ok, but I don't want her to be such a big part of our lives all the time. Since we've got the kids full time they agreed on an amount that she would pay him out of the child benefit she's getting. My partner doesn't want to change the claim to his name as she's already struggling with money. Her money managment skills are shocking. She asks anyone she can to borrow money. The kids go to hers and there's no food in and no basic toilietries to wash themselves; she will ask them to borrow money from christmas or birthday money. She'll promise them things for birthdays and then they are left disappointed.  The only 2x things we've asked of her is for a set amount towards the kids each month and to pick their youngest child up from school 2x days of the week and she can't even do that! She gave us less than the amount the was set then in the same day, asked my partner for money!!!!!! Funnily enough though she can always afford cigarettes/vapes/weed.

So this brings me to the here and now. Last week I sat and had a conversation with my partner and I expressed how I was feeling. I also said that I'm not prepared to live the rest of my life with her being this involved with him as there's no need. If there's something going wrong in her life she will still contact my partner.......even thought she has this "wonderful" bf!! Anyway, I've told him HE needs to be the one to put his footdown and if it causes and argument then so be it. She needs to understand that there's boundaries.

However, due to the way BM and my partner have dealt with their separation 4/5yrs ago; they haven't split everything such as birthdays or ocassions etc. So their kids think it;s normal to have their separated mum and dad at their birthday parties etc. I have tried having a conversation about it as when my mum and dad split when I was 9/10yrs old it became the new norm that we would celerate separately. The thing is the kids still see their mum and dad as mates, because my partner has made it that way so if that was genuinely the case then to the kids, they wouldn't see it being a problem. So now it feels like if I ask to celebrate these things separately, it looks like I'm being cruel or trying to push their mum out.

My biggest anxiety right now is that I'm trying to plan a birthday party for my partner who will be 40 this July and I already know that she would assume she will be invited. I have no idea how to navigate this as I'm awful at confrontation and end up shutting down and crying. BM is very much a loud mouthy person and is selfish so she won't even listen to reason. So do I put up and shut up and invite her or do I stand my ground and say no; this is a celebration for my partner and the people invited are his CLOSE friends and family, she needs to remember that she's his EX. 

Just as an FYI; I have no doubt at all or suspicions that anything untoward is felt or happening between them both it's just more, she still relies on him so heavily to the point that I feel like I'm putting more stress on him when I need something from him if that makes sense.

My partner understands the situation and wants to keep her away as much as I do but he just doesn't want to cause a big drama. For example if he just said it outright that he doesn't want to hear from her other than about the kids; she would turn round and say something melodramatic and make things as awkward as possible with passive aggressive comments and even causing grief with the kids too as she would probably say stuff like "oh I can't tell your dad this news cos him and her don't want to speak to me anymore". So how do you handle someone like that!? Please help.