Sneaky SD
I am new here *bye* I am in an odd situation apparently. I am raising my step daughter full time her (mother) person that gave birth to here is not in the picture. She messed up with drugs and alcohol and is currently in and out of rehabs. Her family has nothing to do with her, which is probably a good thing. My DH works long hours so I have the privilege of raising her and my DS together. Generally most of the time she is well behaved, makes good grades etc. it's taken us a while to get here. But, My MIL, DH's Mother takes SD for weekends every once and awhile. Well my MIL has zero boundaries and is an alcoholic as well. I don't even like my SD going over to my MIL house. She allows her to spend the night with other people and not ask for permission from her father or myself. SD has a brand new IPhone that she got for Christmas she could have easily asked one of us but doesn't. To top it all off my MIL took SD to Kohls to buy clothes of course no one told me or DH. This 13 year old has come back yesterday with some short shorts, that she can't even wear to school. *diablo* That girl knew exactly what she was doing...we go to a very modest church, we believe in modesty for old and young, males and female. What the heck am I supposed to do now? *shok*
Limiting trips to Grandma?
I'm assuming this is your DH's mother, right? Does he feel the same as you? Would he go along with limiting trips to Grandma? I could get past the short shorts, just limit where she can wear them, but an alcoholic who lets the child stay overnight elsewhere without notifying me would be an issue.
You titled your post Sneaky SD.but I think the issue is more Overindulgent, Negligent, Pushover Grandma. SD is just doing what kids do, taking advantage of a weak family member with poor judgment.
Another thought
Have you ever let Grandma know you weren't happy about something? I was flashing back to one day when I had GD4 and SGD4 over and was wanting to be the fun Grandma (they are both 37 now). I let them play with my makeup and they had it all over their faces and even in their hair. The 3 of us thought it was great but both of their mothers individually let me know in a nice way that they didn't like it so I never did that with any of the others. Perhaps you could do the same with Grandma.
If GrandMa won't comply with
If GrandMa won't comply with the rules that you and DH set... GrandMa doesn't see the kid. Pretty simple.
We have never had to deal with this with either my parents or my ILs when it comes to their time with our son (My former SS adopted by me 5 years ago). The SpermClan had no standards of behavior and we had no say over their time with SS when he was under the CO.
My SIL (DW's youngest sib) and her DH farm their children out to her MIL to raise as does her DH's younger sister. All of those kids are F-d up beyond any semblance of having a reasonable chance of viable adulthood. Gma is the parenting authority and the Gkids all call her when the parents do not do as the Gkids demand. Gma threatens to stop providing day care so all of the parents just suck her ass, take her shit and continue to serve their children up to the drunk, lush idiot Gma to destroy.
People who can't raise their own children including providing quality day care have no business breeding in the first place. Sadly, there is no license required to breed and far too many kids get served up to continued multigenerational failed parenting performance.
Protect your Skid, don't let the Skid be MIL's conduit to pollute your home and marriage.
IMHO of course.