Spanking and punishments (poll)
My question is do you as a step mom/dad spank the Skids? Not tell them to go to your room punishment I mean the spanking part, when it's needed. Or do you let DH/DW/SO handle it?
This is why I ask.
My SS10 that now lives with me and my DH, gets into trouble a lot. He is sneaky and likes to lie a LOT. He's been punished a handful of times for lieing. He broke my BD6's toys and takes them, he skips out on homework and lies about it. He gets into trouble with some of the kids he hangs around with. He sometimes gets to me and I want to knock him out. His BM is no longer around so his DH does the spanking and go to your room punishment when it's needed. I do the go to your room or no you can't do that punishment. I want to knock him upside the head, but I can't do it. I think it's not my place and I really don't wanna deal with his drama. My DH is his dad and he should do that stuff. Half of the time I don't even wanna deal with him in general b/c it's too much aggravation. So one day my DH said to discipline him the same way he does and I just can't do it. I can't even hug the kid moreless spank him. I can spank my BD when needed, but not him. I would rather have DH do it.
So I just wanted to see what people think about this.
I would send SS to his room
I would send SS to his room but I wouldnt spank him! My DH tells me the same thing..."treat him the same as you treat BD" but I'm with you! I will spank my BD but not SS! That is something DH needs to do!!
You should do only what
You should do only what you're comfortable with. In our situation, discipline is handled on as-it-happens basis. We don't do the "wait till your (insert parent) gets home and the punishment fits the crime, whether its time-out, grounding, creative or spanking.
But it took a while (a long while) for us to get to this point.
So, for now, do what you've been doing and maybe researchsome creative punishment methods that haven't been done to death...that might get his attention.
You are a parent. When he
You are a parent. When he earns it ... LIGHT THAT LITTLE ASS UP!!!!! }:)
I am an equity parent to my wife. That indludes discipline. IMHO of course.
Punishment delayed is wasted IMHO so spank him when you witness the punishable behavior.
When my wife decided she did not like how I was disciplining our son (my SS) I told her "then step up. If you don't like how I discipline then you better get it done before I have to" ... and she did.
The kid much preferred me as the primary disciplinarian. I am consistent and don't get emotional when disciplining. His mom goes banshee on his ass when she disciplines and he stays on her shit list much longer than he stays on mine. For me once the discipline is done, the issue is done unless their is a repeat performance.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
LMAO....... I've done that
LMAO.......
I've done that too. Laughed silently b/c the little punk deserved it, but I couldn't do it. He was NEVER spanked or even grounded when he was with BM so now it's a whole new ball game....
No. As a step, I would have
No. As a step, I would have NEVER touched SS. As a bio, I would probably rip off, a step moms head, if she touched one of my kids.
I think almost everything needs to go thru the bio. Especially where something like spankings are concerned. Are you a SAHM?
I never spanked SS. But I
I never spanked SS. But I did slap him on the mouth. Once. He learned his lesson. His behavior never warranted additional punishment from me.
As NCP, DH has had many conversations with BM and SF regarding appropriate consequences for bad behavior. DH gave SF blanketed permission to spank or otherwise use corporal punishment on SS as needed when he was growing up. SF had to resort to physical punishment on several occassions. DH and BM fully supported SF's discipline.
I think the biggest factor in being able to discipline your skid is having the blessing or approval from the BioParents. DH is on your side and needs your help to stay consistent in discplining SS in your home.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. It's nice to see everyone's opinions.
BM is no longer around at all. If I was a BM I would def. rip someone's head off for laying a hand on my kid other than me or BD, but this is a diff. scenario. BM is out of the pic totally, but I guess when and if I feel comfortable I could help with that part. I don't know if I ever will though. I understand when a kid needs it they should get it right then and there, but I can't do it just yet. He is afraid of DH though so the power of "wait till he gets home" works too. It's just if I see it happen instead of me telling DH, he wants me to take care of it and I can't. I am not a SAHM. I work full time. I think maybe that might might a diff. If I was home with him all the time then it would almost be like I would have to do it. Since I am not, I rely on his BD to do it.
I used to spank SS12 and SD13
I used to spank SS12 and SD13 in the earlier years of being in their lives. They were 1 and 3 when I started dating their dad. SD has always been a bully, and would hit, pinch, pull hair, etc. I would smack her hands and as she got older, it progressed to an occasional spanking--but only if dad wasn't there to take care of it. I spanked my own daughter, so why would I be different with the skids even though DH and I weren't married yet. I used to spank SD mainly because she was always a big girl, so there was no "lifting her up and walking her to her room for a time out" or whatever. Even at 3 yrs old, she was almost 50 pounds now at 13-she's almost 200 pounds)...I'm not lifting that up the stairs! I stopped spanking after she accused me of abusing her (dragging her up the stairs by her hair and slamming her into the wall) and would only verbally reprimand her. Now...I can no longer even do that. Well...I can, it just doesn't get done. I can tell her to go to her room and she will refuse, not too long ago, we were arguing and with all the backtalk, I lost it (a little) and told her to "shut up and go to your room", she came back with "You shut up". Of course, all this happens when dad isn't there. Strangely enough...he wouldn't let her talk to me if he were there, but if he isn't there...he won't do anything about it when he gets home...
As for my SS10 I haven't been
As for my SS10 I haven't been in his life long. I have been with my DH for 8 of he 10 yrs my SS has been alive, but BM was unbelievable and did everything in her power to not let DH in his life. She succeeded. Lied on the court stand, cried and it was just one big drama scene after another. So needless to say SS10 wasn't around much until these past 2 yrs. Now he lives with us and I think that is why I can't do it. It's like he's here now but it's still like everyone getting used to each other and I can't do it. I would rather have DH handle that part. Punishments are one thing, but spanking is a prob. not gonna happen.
If a kid ever accused me of abuse..........OH MAN, you better be ready to run with it b/c I am going to make you look like an idiot in front of whoever is questioning it. Then there would be abuse. I would put my size 7 up their A** so far you would talk and see my shoe coming out.
Wriggsy............ SD is def. testing you and if DH doesn't do something once he gets home, it's going to get ugly one day and she is going to push your buttons as far as they will go. Ground her and tell her she can't come out of her room and take her phone, ipod and all the rest of the electronics. AND, take her clock. I had an old BF that was grounded before and his father took his clock out. Talk about a long day on the weekend......
Well...we do this joke thing
Well...we do this joke thing to get across our serious message. The kids have (jokingly) said they would CPS if we spank/discipline them. We tell them to go ahead, but tell them to hurry, because you will certainly need them when they get here!
My daughter (13) knows when she has a spanking coming and she knows that means she has really gone beyond acceptable behavior, so she takes it and will generally end up apologizing to me for making me insane!
SD feeds into her BM's craziness by lying more and more over the year. SD realizes that she gets lots of attention when she says that wriggsy mistreats her. I had not only BM confront me on the "pulling her up the stairs by her hair and slamming her into the wall", but also my DH's SIL. During both conversations, I asked why no one seems to be concerned about the fact that this child is lying. I completely get the fact that if my child came to me and told me this about her SM, I would be upset, too. I would get to the bottom of it, but the main difference is, if I find out that daughter lied to me (especially something this serious!) I would beat her ass!! A horrible lie like that could have gotten my daughter taken away from me if the wrong person heard it! When I chastised SD about it and told her just that much, BM said that I didn't need to scare SD like that! WTH?!?! I don't sugarcoat damaging behavior so that she can feel good about herself. That's crazy!
DH does back me up more and more (still...probably not near enough). If I tell him that SD did something disrepectful, he takes care of it. Problem is, his "Taking care of it" needs to ratchet up to something beyond simple conversation. We used to take away her things, but because BM paid for iPod, we don't take that away. We pay for the cell, so we can, but DH never does. I don't know if you know "my story", but BD and I do not live with DH and skids. I am there every day and will spend the night from time to time, but skids behavior makes it hard for me to want to live there, not to mention that there truely isn't enough room for BD and I to live there. All that to say, while DH may talk a good game on discipline, he caves more often than not. He used to say he would take her TV if she kept hitting. He then decided that it was too difficult to actually remove the TV everytime, so (for some strange reason) he thought he could trust her to not turn on the TV for whatever duration. Until he caught her watching her TV with the sound way down....now, he doesn't even bother with "hard" stuff like that!!
I just thought of this. My
I just thought of this. My SS10, after getting spanked by DH one of the first times, he asked about child abuse. He said that when a parent hits a child that's child abuse right? I said NO, b/c I knew where he was going with it. I said child abuse is when parents go WAY to far with something. Examples I gave were; If they punch you in the face and break your nose; throw you down the stairs; bruise you badly. I didn't go on and on, but he got the point.
I said when a kid does something wrong there are different ways parents handle things. When they do something bad a spanking is givin (from mine and DH's standpoint) You do something horrible we might knock you out. That might be border child abuse right? jk.
But, Wriggsy, you are so right. You pick up that phone and dial the police it will still take at least 10-15 mins to get there so you better run and hide or you better call from another location. It's kind of nice that you get to go home...hehe. You get only 3/4 of the aggravation.
When people don't dicipline their kids one way or another, those are the same kids that end up on a talk show cursing and hitting their parents at 10yrs old. Then the parents wonder how the kids became like that. I don't know, maybe b/c little Jimmy didn't get your foot in his A** when he slapped you in the face for the first time at 6yrs old instead of the talk where you said "that was not nice and don't do that". Then he does it 10 more times.
I do the send him to his room
I do the send him to his room punishment. I would never be able to spank or slap on the wrist sort of thing. I leave that for DH. I feel like its not my place just like you and being a step parent you already don't have a whole lot you can do for step children. I feel like the child could turn the story around and make it seem like I did so much worse than a simple spank or whatever. Its best not to take the chance of ever being put in a situation where you feel you may get blamed for punishing your step child the way you would your own bio child.
I have a BD10 that i spank
I have a BD10 that i spank when it is necessary, not very often but it does happen. Now my SS7, I would never spank, and mainly because I am not comfortable with it. I also have a SD3 and I would feel comfortable spanking her, I have never had to but she went through a terrible biting phase when she was 2 and i had to spank her mouth a little, i thought about biting her back, but what would that have taughter her, lol. So I agree, i think it is just what you are comfortable with, I would never do anything i didnt feel was right. I feel that the discipline should come equally from both of us, but should be delt with on a stiutaional basis, we treat all three kids as if they are all three both of ours, it makes it easier when the BM doesnt want to discipline so she doesnt say anything to us about it.
Ya, the two younger skids got
Ya, the two younger skids got swats from me a couple of times when they were younger. Now that they're older, I'm not really comfortable with it. But I don't think that has anything to do with them being skids. DH doesn't spank them all that often either. I think with the 3 kids we've had a total of 2 spankings in the last year.
I used to spank ss12 when he
I used to spank ss12 when he was quite a bit younger. He lived with me and dh from ages 1-9-I was not a big spanker-but it was how dh handled discipline with ss so I tried it-he was about 7 or 8 the last time I spanked him. I had spanked him for refusing to do something I asked and then screaming at me. After I spanked him-I escorted him across the room and told him to comply with what I originally asked. He did end up doing so but scratched his arm on the vent in his room in the process (he had been throwing things down it and I asked him to retrieve the things he threw). It was not a deep scratch but it was long. Well, over the next week or so he proceeded to pick at the scratch, dig in it, let it scab over, pick the scab off, and do it all over again. Finally about 10 days later, I told him that it was looking pretty bad and he said, "I know that's where you grabbed my arm and scratched me". My mouth just fell open as I saw him scratch his arm originally and I witnessed him picking at it for a week and making it worse and he knew that I witnessed these things. That was the point that I decided I would never place myself in a vulnerable position again by laying a hand on him at all.
I have not since. Do not underestimate being sent to the room. SS hates this. He can hear everyone else out in the family laughing, snacking, playing and having a good time. When he was young the time outs were not that long, but as he grew older and if the offense was bad enough then he could stay the whole day in his room (other than meals, bathroom breaks, etc)
You bet your sweet ass I
You bet your sweet ass I spank them. I spank any kid that needs a spanking if it's in my house. My DH spanks any kid that acts up on his watch. We have some that don't need a spanking because they have had their little asses lit up enough time that they have the fear of DAD and know if they cross a line, he will beat their ass. We have a few little wise asses that still haven't absorbed the message, but they will. Oh, yes, they will. And until then, I have to go powder my spanking hand.
GNJ, I like it. We too
GNJ,
I never and have never
I never and have never spanked SD6. DH has...
Oh, I forgot I did "spank" ss
Oh, I forgot I did "spank" ss 12 this summer. Havent laid a hand on the kid since he was 7 or 8, but we were on vacation and dh and I were outside the house and I could hear ss screaming at the other kids from inside. The doors and windows were all shut-they were upstairs and we were half way down the drive so he must have been screaming at the top of his lungs. When i went in a couple of minutes later, I told him he needed to quit screaming I could hear him outside. He had his back to me at the kitchen counter. He didnt even turn around-just shrugged his shoulders-so I reached out and swatted him once on the ass-the look of surprise on his face was priceless. It really was. I told him-when I speak to you-you look at me and answer me. Or I'll keep spanking you, K? He said ok and looked me in the eyes. Hahahaha!