SS has ADHD/ODD and doesn't respect me
I currently engaged and living with DM and her two boys, ages 5 and 10. The 5 year old has infrequent contact with his biological father while the 10 year old has never met his father. The 5 year old is really whiney & immature, but for the most part a fun kid to be around.
The 10 year old is another story. He has a high IQ but also severe ADHD as well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder and is likely autistic (Dr. mentioned it is a possible diagnosis, but mom does not want another label put on her child.) He takes medication for the ADHD, but it is only partially effective. The ODD is a real problem. He blows up at the slightest provocation and flucuates between violent outbursts and uncontrolled sobbing during his episodes. My biggest fear is that as he becomes a teen, his outbursts will become more violent and he will eventually take a swing at me.
My fiance wants me to be a like a father to her children, but it is tough. Neither of the children seem to respect me and they both have problems with authority, albeit the 10 year old is far worse. I love my fiance more than I have ever loved another person, but I don't know if I can deal with her eldest child. He wants me to be the dad he never had, but he also explodes when I ask him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I really tried to be a father figure and wanted us to be a family, but as time goes on that seems to be a pipe dream.
Is my relationship doomed? Is it possible to love my fiance and merely cohabitate with the kids? I've read on the forums that you don't have to love step children but that seems unfair to the kids. Any advice would be welcomed.
Is the ten year old getting
Is the ten year old getting therapy along with the medications?
He is not getting any therapy
He is not getting any therapy yet, but I have talked with his mother about getting him into some sort of treatment and she agrees that it's needed. In fact, I just got a text that she's calling his doctor to determine how to proceed.
Yes he definitely needs
Yes he definitely needs therapy. But also the next time he explodes on you, you just may have to "explode" on him as well. Put your foot down HARD and let him know you aren't going to put up with it. You have already pointed out that neither of the children really respect you so I don't think it has anything to do with his ADHD and/or ODD. Your DW can't expect you to act like their father and then allow her kids to walk all over you.
I started standing up for myself with all of my SKIDS and I feel a lot better mentally, no matter how my wife feels about it. At some point enough is enough. If you don't tackle this issue now, it will only be worse when they are older.
Yes it does get worse with
Yes it does get worse with age. My DSO and his ex swept it under the rug until it was too late to change behaviors. I couldn't survive with the kid in my house. Maybe if you are allowed ot be firm and teach him, you could do ok. Otherwise, I don't see it happening.
Sorry.