SS Has Started To Make Me Feel Very Uncomfortable
Hey everyone I'm really happy to have found this forum, I am starting to have some issues with my stepson that I have tried to correct and my husband supports me and has tried to also but I don't know what else to do.
Background(I promise all of this is relevant): My husband genuinly did not know he had a son, BM strung my husband along during her pregnancy and then stopped all contact and so my husband assumed that the kid was not his. Fast forward to our first year of marriage BM starts contacting his family and my family saying he needs to 'be a man' and 'step up' etc, my husband got served with papers for a DNA test. He went to go do it and BM had lost custody. I told my husband to just see if he could do it anyways so that we would no either way. He did and turned out he was my husbands son. His son was 5/6 at the time, went through the legitimization process, started visitations all that when he was 6/7. We only knew my step son for about 8 months when mom lost custody again and because husband was now on the paperwork he came to us instead of into the system this time. He has been with us sense, after getting temporary custody my husband took BM to court for full custody (she was leaving her kids with random family members or friends for weeks to months at a time, some of them were known drug users (like meth and stuff), she was in a rough place.) We decided that even though he doens't know us well at all being with us in a consistent and stable enviroment would be better than letting him go back. The courts agreed and we have had full custody sense then. So he has lived with us since he was 7. He is emotionally immature because of his unstable early life, BM never made him go to school or set any ground rule, they would allow him to act very much like a baby. Once example that sticks out to me is when he first came to live with us saying "Dada can i pwease have a gwass of wawas, so firsty" as if he was like 3 yrs old learning to talk, mind you he was 7. So because of all of that I know that even though he is almost 12 years old emotinally and maturity wise he is much younger than that. He has overcome so much and he doesn't even realize it.
Now that all of that has been said. Puberty has started. (Lord help us) but with that he has developed a crush on me. He tells me out right, he writes me letters all the time, tells me he wants to marry me, writes me letters like "I love you keep that in mind not just as a parent or mom just more" "You look cute every day and I love you so much". He tries to give me very long hugs at night, I have started having to bend weirdly so he can't press against my chest, and do a weird little shoulder move so he can't nuzzle into my neck. It is to the point I am uncomfortable being at home with him alone. I don't care how hot I am in the house I wear baggy sweatpants and baggy hoodie. I used to love getting dressed up when we would go out as a family but now it just feels weird.
I tried the gentle approach of "I am too old for you plus I am already married to Daddy" which is how you would typically handle it with a child much younger, but because he is emotionally and maturity wise much younger due to his unstable early life I thought that would work. It has not.
Husband fully agrees with me that it is inapproriate and needs to stop, but we don't know how to go about it. I know he is in a weird place with starting puberty and we don't want to make him feel bad or awkward for normal body changes, but I need to feel safe and comfortable in my home and I don't. It has gotten to the point I look forward to when he goes to BM house (long story but she has visitation rights again, thankfully she truly seems to be doing better in life) because I can relax again and get a break. This is starting to affect my relationship with my husband because I am on defense mode all the time and feeling like I have to be on alert around my step son.
Please help me.
It's time for you and your DH
It's time for you and your DH to not be so gentle. Your SS isn't giving a shit about how uncomfortable he's making you and that needs to be addressed pronto and sternly. Your DH needs to flat out teach his son and REQUIRE him to be respectful of you and all females and that he is to stop making you uncomfortable. Your DH needs to use this issue as a pivitol learning experience for your SS about women and that they are to be respected. I also agree with OKtoStep that your SS should be put into therapy.
I'm assuming your DH already
I'm assuming your DH already has his son in therapy given his early upbringing and myriad of issues. If he hasn't already your DH needs to bring this issue up with the counselor and work with them the best way to implement teaching his son about boundaries and body autonomy, with other individuals and for himself. It doesn't matter how immature or damaged SS is, he needs to learn that touching without consent is never okay!
Thanks everyone.
Thank you for the input. We had him in therapy when he first came to live with us under medicaid credits provided by DHS, but once those ran out we weren't able to afford it until recently when my husband was able to get benefits through work. It is something we have talked about previously but I think it is something we need to consider more seriously now.
We try united fronts but I think this maybe one of the few times I step back and tell my husband he needs to handle this. I am a suvivor of SA as a child, so I try and make sure that I am not projecting my own traumas onto situations, and honestly chalked it up to that as to why I was on such alert all the time and was so uncomfortable. After the input I have gotten here it sounds like my uncomfortableness is warranted.
We teach him about respecting boundries with people, and treating others with respect and respecting their no's etc. I should clarify the long hugs he tries to give are not random ones, its our bedtime routine but he started making them awkwardly long and the nuzzling in etc and thats what is not okay and that I do the weird moves to avoid.
I think it is something we
More than seriously consider. SS needs therapy now.
If cost is an issue his dad can look around for a place that uses a sliding scale. They can be hard to find and are more available in some areas than others. But, unless one looks, you don't know if it is available.
I do think this is one of
I do think this is one of those times where your husband needs to step in strongly and tell him to stop with the letters- it's weird, it is unwanted and it is not ok to continue.
He is going to have to have a major talk with him and not make it nice. While he may still be messed up and projecting on to you because you have been a mother figure to him and his stunted emotional maturity "explain" the behavior- it doesn't excuse it.
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the input. I have brought it up to husband and he agrees that the letters are very inapprorpiate and understands that they make me very uncomfortable. That I watch everything I say, everything I do, and wear, and that I am dreading the summer when its pool time with the kids (hubby and I have a son together), and that I don't want to be alone with SS at all. I have asked hubby who leaves for work after I go downstairs to work to lock our bedroom door and to help make sure we dont leave laundry in the dryer and that it comes in our room as soon as it is done, and that if SS is going to be upstairs where he could go in our room for any period of time to lock our bedroom door.
I told him that he is expressing coersive and predatory behavior and that this is something beyond our ability to handle on our own, and we are going to begin the process of trying to find a therapist for SS.
We have outlined firm boundries, and will address them with SS tonight, and I really hope we can get this resolved. I told my husband that me being on constant guard and edge is affecting me mentally and my relationship with him(hubby). He fully supports me in this and will help anyway he can, and will do whatever I need him to do for myself and for my SS to be a thriving and healthy person.
I am thankful for a supportive husband in this and takes this as seriously as I do and I am very fortunate for this space to get the confirmation I think I was looking for and the advise.
Your SS is definitely
Your SS is definitely blurring the lines between parental affection and his pubescent feelings.
If not addressed, it would develop into an unhealthy relationship much like you see with DD and their mini wives.
Definitely get him therapy as well as set boundaries and redirect SS every time he violates them.
An example is we don't write letters like this to adult woman. It is ok to feel that way about girls your own age. Explain you are a parent figure and it is disrespectful to both you and his father for SS to speak to you that way.