SS issues
Hello everybody. I've seen this site several times when trying to find other people like me who have issues with their SC and I decided maybe I should give the site a try. For me, I knew from the beginning of my relationship with my husband that he had a son. I was ok with it before I met the son. When I first met him however, all I could think about was how he had relations with someone who wasn't me. But I had feelings for his father and figured I'd be able to move past it. Unfortunately, nearly a year into our marriage I haven't. In fact it's gotten worse because I am now pregnant. I keep thinking about how a first time experience that was supposed to be for my husband and I has been taken away. The BM is an asshole. She uses the child support to pay for all the cars she wrecks and her nails and whatever else she pleases. Money is already in issue in our relationship as neither of us really make that much. She complains about how she never has time with her son yet my husband has had him for over a month. He currently still has him. He's not a bad kid but his presence annoys me. Every time my husband and I are spending time together, he always has to cut it short so that he can pick his kid up from school.
Speaking of school, I'm in college myself. Due to the fact that I'm married to someone who has a child, I am now stuck in a state I never wanted to stay in for more than four years (duration of college). I planned on going to medical school in Antigua and Barbuda but I can't anymore. I feel like I can no longer accomplish my dreams. I should've thought about all of this before committing myself to someone who has all of this going on but I was focused more on how I felt as opposed to how it would impact my future :/
it's worth noting that we don't live with each other. We're working on that. Secondly, I never wanted to be a stepparent or have a mixed family which I told my husband. Granted I come from one but I never wanted that for my own children. I've discussed separation options but either way it goes, I'll be putting my son and future children in the same situation I didn't want for them. There's way more I would like to eat however I didn't want my first post to be too long lol
Just trying to sort it out
Help me understand better. How old is your SS? Why dont you and DH live together? Are you in medical school? How old are you and DH? Just trying to help you. Thanks.
Sometimes we make choices
Sometimes we make choices that set us on a different path than our original goals. It seems you are now at a crossroads where your reality has sharply diverged from your hopes.
It sounds like your SS is not really the heart of the problem, just a factor in it. If he wasn't there you would still be torn between two lives. Having a child is very demanding. It requires a lot of self sacrifice from both parents. A stepchild is also very demanding. Until you are responsible for a child full time I don't know if it's really possible to explain how much time and energy even good kids need. It's rewarding but consuming. A parent's dreams and goals have to come second to the child's needs. You can still have a career and do many things in life while being a good mom. But you will need a clear plan, strong dedication and you will have to learn when make sacrifices. Sometimes you will have to tell your heart "no" and it will hurt.
I would encourage you to carefully examine what it is you truly need out of life and your path forward. You choices will touch the lives of you husband, ss, and unborn child. Whatever should or shouldn't have been done in the past can't be changed now. Focus on making the best decisions going forward and please try to act with love and kindness toward all. From what you wrote it doesn't sound like there is a pain free way out of this for any of you.
I do sincerely wish you well.
Well I think you getting
Well I think you getting pregnant by this man has more to do with you not being on the path you wanted for yourself than him having a child from a previous relationship. You could have casually dated this guy until college was over and then moved on. You knew from the beginning this wasn't for you, you should have ended it there...now here you are...my only advice would be to come up with a custody plan for your future child with him and separate. Make adjustments to your future so that you are at least in the direction you had hoped to go in and do your best to be a level headed coparent.
You have a long ways to go
You're going to have to sit and think about whether or not any of this is feasible for you. He's had his son for over a month, so it sounds like he's very involved in the raising of his child. The kid isn't going to go anywhere, and you said you haven't started living with him yet, I can tell you that it will most likely get worse. You don't mention how old your SS is but at any age, the relationship between stepmothers and children is often a negative one due to multiple variables. And I can tell you from my personal experience that it doesn't get easier, and I have fairly "good" stepkids (they don't talk back to me, aren't outright aggressive). It's a lot of work.
You can still go to medical school, you'd have a 3/4 year old by then. Nothing is impossible, it's our perceptions sometimes that limit us. You said you thought more about how you felt vs what was right for you. I would say to learn from that and try to determine if it's going to be worth all of the struggle it will take to be with a man who has custody (or super involved) in his kid's life.