SS17 running the show and ruining our relationship.....
Hi. I need some advice/help from others in similar situations (or have already been through this).
I'm engaged (but living separately right now until house sells) and have been having some major issues with his son. SS17 seems to think that everyones life should revolve around him, his thoughts, his feelings, etc. As well as he thinks that he is the boss of everyone. Anyway, the problem is this, for the past year, him and I have not been getting along. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm nice or if I just ignore him totally, I never say anything the way he thinks I should as well as WHEN he thinks I should.
He has already admitted that he does not want me and his dad to get married and that he doesn't want to live under the same roof as me (and my daughter). The latest incident was yesterday (his bday), I called over to the house and he answered and I asked for his dad and he wasn't home, so I said okay thanks and hung up. His dad called me back letting me know what time we were going to be celebrating his bday, etc. Well...... I got another phone call from his dad about 3 hours later, saying that his son was upset because I didn't say happy bday to him when I called.......and how wrong that was, etc. I sat there for a minute thinking really???? He's 17 and going to FREAK out and complain about that??? Okay...... So, I said to his dad, well sorry, I was going to say happy bday to him when I handed him his card as I think that is more personable, plus, when I called the house, I wasn't sure who answered until after I asked for him and I also had my daughter talking in one ear and my son talking also so the last thing on my mind was wishing his son happy bday.... (especially given current situation with him). Long story short, I was told NOT to come over for dinner because of how upset his son was.... I said ok, no biggie for me.... saves me from having to stop and get a gas card for him to put in the card! But..... the thing is, this kid is trying everything in his power to split us up, it doesn't matter what I say or do, he will continue to complain about it until we break up. His dad allows this manipulation also by not putting an end to it and telling him to grow up and stop behaving this way. (He's threatened to live at his mom's full time if he chose me over him)... Help! I've pretty much already decided that I am NOT moving in there until the son is gone to college.... otherwise I will end up miserable and bitter. I want to get along with his son, but I'm not going to be controlled by a 17 year old.... who in his own words.... I'm not the mom of...
Any advice would be great! Thanks 
"I've pretty much already
"I've pretty much already decided that I am NOT moving in there until the son is gone to college.... otherwise I will end up miserable and bitter"
The son going to college won't change anything - he's still his son and will still be in the picture. If he is that dead set against you & Daddy being together - he will creep his ugly head up, regardless of what he has going on, he will find ways.
The only way things will be better is if your future DH stands up for you and your relationship. As long as he continues to allow a 17yr old to run his life, there will be many problems.
My SS is 16 and we had major issues, even with him living with his BM and us only getting him EOWE. He made sure he called, stopped by, whatever he could after DH and I had a baby together. No matter what he had going on, he was so dead set against my DH and I having a baby together - he found the time. And it wasn't until I packed the baby up one night and told my DH we were leaving and he would never see us again unless he agreed to counseling and putting our marriage first.
He did agree to counseling and it has been a long road. There have been many arguments along the way, but now that our marriage is first - only now - things have changed (not SS going elsewhere, etc.) In order for this to get better, your future DH MUST be the one to fix it and put his child properly in his place. Unless he does, he is only affirming his son's behavior by letting him get away with it.
I'd recommend running or
I'd recommend running or getting used to being a door mat if you don't run. My SS pulled the same stunts and we are still having issues with him years later. My H is finally getting the reasons I wanted the kid to learn some responsibility but he doesn't have it 100% yet. Things are improving here but most of the problems with Skids center around how their parents allow them to behave and it doesn't sound like you BF is going to have your back on anything. Sorry
Thanks to everyone so far
Thanks to everyone so far for your advice..... I had 2 talks today with my fiance and they both ended with arguing.. I told him that his son was not the center of my universe and that he was not going to control my life, thoughts & actions... that he needed to have a serious talk with him and make it clear WHO the adult was and that he is NOT his equal. But.. as usual, when it comes to SS, he gets defensive. I asked him if the situation was reversed and it was my daughter (or me) upset that SS didn't say happy bday on the phone, what would he tell me.... and he said that he would tell us to not blow it out of proportion and to stop making something out of nothing and to stop looking for something to complain about with SS. I said..... okay, now, go tell your son that. It was a wakeup call for him..... to an extent. I said to him that he needed to step back and think and reverse the situation as if it was my BD and then talk to his son that way..... remove the fact that it's his son and to stop thinking SS is so innocent. I don't know what will happen, I know that if he doesn't make an effort and start putting 'us' firstthen I will not stick around for much longer. Today was actually the first day in a while where I didn't feel stressed out because of this drama with his son. I made the decision that I wasn't going to keep my mouth shut anymore and that I was going to lay everything out and if he wants to continue then he knows what must happen... time will tell. I hope he chooses to become a dad instead of a friend to his son so that he can have some type of chance to become a decent caring adult instead of a selfish know it all adult......
Run, run, run and when you
Run, run, run and when you can't run anymore keep running....
How long until the Skid is
How long until the Skid is 18? Once the kid is gone to college then the home is your's (you and FDH family home) and the skid no longer will hold as much sway over the situation.
We have never had to deal with this since my wife and I agreed shortly after we married that our relationship was the primary focus of the marriage, I would have equity parenting status and the kid would have to adhere to our household rules regardless of what baggage or issues he had to deal with after spending time with the SpermClan.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I have to say I agree with
I have to say I agree with the majority here, run like wind! It's sad, but trust me it will not get any better. The kid will continue to run the show, and the Dad will continue to parent out of guilt, which means you get the leftovers. Not a recipe for a healthy marriage.
Good luck to you.