Stayin' Put this Christmas and Husband is Going to visit his Family Alone
I have been married 10 yrs.to a wonderful guy who comes from a very passive aggressive dysfunctional family while mine being mostly
Italian deals head long face first into problems much more directly. Mine is dysfunctional as well !!!
He is very generous to all, but I feel that when it comes to Christmastime, I have too much responsibility to pull everything off in one week's time for them. (e.g. fly home, shop for all of the gifts, wrap them all, send out cards to 20, cook dinner for 8-9) When we went home last year his Narcissist 37SD who never contributes anything and takes, take, takes from all.(One year she printed color images of herself, framed them and gave these to family for Christmas gifts--yuk!)Also she makes about 150k per year and whatever she spends it is on herself! Anyway after last years BS (His alcoholic 34 son showed up for the 3rd year in a row) without even so much as a card for his 93 yr old grandmother, I pulled him aside when he was leaving with all of his gifts in hand and said that I thought that he should at least give a card or something to his Dad and Grandmother, forget me. I am sick of him showing up for Christmas dinner or summer fetes emptyhanded and his Dad says nothing!
I told my husband that I would not be going back this year and he feels that he should because his mom is getting up in years and I said that he should by all means do this if he feels he should go. His other more favored brother and his wife never come home for the holidays and neither does his sister and bro-in-law. 38SD is staying home with her new BF this year. Darn! I married late in life and am not as close physically to my family, but we talk to each other over the phone much more often than my husband does with his. First he said that he wanted to stay home with me but now he has decided to drive 900 miles by himself to go be with his brother, sis-in-law, and nephew and Mom. His son has been mad at him because he doesn't cave in to him anymore and lend him money etc. (We got therapy over this) so he probably won't see him. Last night I said to him that I didn't want him to go, but that he should because his Mom would be sad if he didn't and that she doesn't have that many years left on this planet. We got in a huge fight last week when as she was leaving I let his visiting SD have it after she was rude to me and didn't thank me for two lovely meals that I prepared for her and her new BF! (Plus I am so sick of her me, me, me N behavior) H said that I had alienated his family over the years because I had blasted his Narcissistic brother once for being such a tight asshole after we spent a year remodeling his Mom's house b4 selling and he didn't offer to help in any way and backed out of buying us dinner! And now the 2 incidents with his son and daughter he blames me for being the one with the problem! Deep down he must know that his family bears some of the blame but we otherwise get along very well and love each other very much and I do want to stay married to him but I'm not sure if some of his family is going to trash me while he visits this year alone! This is his 3rd marriage and my first! Any wisdom from you all would help!!!??
Am I being unreasonable here? Do you all think that I will regret not going?
My opinion is that you should
My opinion is that you should disengage. Your husband's children were well into adulthood before you come on the scene. Whether it is right or wrong, your opinion doesn't seem to matter to them. The best you can do to keep the peace with your husband and to keep your own sanity is to be with him but let him deal with his ungrateful family.
I agree....if his ungrateful
I agree....if his ungrateful kids and family don't want to thank him or reciprocate, then so be it. No point in starting arguments trying to get people to appreciate him or practice basic manners when he blames you in the end anyway.
You are not being
You are not being unreasonable at all. Next time middle aged SD and her new BF come for dinner fix em up a big heaping plate of wieners and butt bustin' beans. With the disclaimer if they have to fart would they kindly do that outside.
Also remind your DH that you are psychic and you will KNOW if he is entertaining any behind the back bashing of you.
Have yourself a great holiday!
Welcome to the adult SKID
Welcome to the adult SKID holiday nightmare solution!!
I don't think you'll miss him at all, BUT, I think he'll miss you terribly.
I started doing the "separate Christmas" about 3 years ago after several holidays from HELL featuring adult, whiny SDs. I had never seen such inappropriate behavior from ADULTS in my life. So, I go hang out with my OWN family so I don't have to listen to endless griping, moaning, backstabbing of each other and others, crying over things that happened years ago, dog attacks (even the pets are angry....)
In the past, I tried to "sugar coat" things, but now it is what it is. They are three loud, obnoxious, ungrateful brats, and I find it HYPOCRITICAL to be in their company over Christmas since it is a time of love and peace.
This year, H is begging me to stay and be part of things. Heyl no. He never did anything to curtail their behavior so he's stuck with them. I had to learn to DISENGAGE from these people or I would have spent yet another holiday in distress (and my teen daughter, too). Life is too short!!
Great comments and thanks to
Great comments and thanks to my sistas! You are all so right. At this moment he is trying to decide which gift baskets to mail online for Christmas and he keeps asking for my input. I helped a little but left the room so he can do this stuff on his owm and see what I go through every year! I feel better that it is OK not to go back for the holidays this year and who knows I might just make this an ongoing thing.
Has anybody ever felt that this hurt their marriage to stay home for Christmas?
Ybarra, right back at ya, I'm
Ybarra, right back at ya, I'm with you.
I was a single mom for ten years (my kids are older now) but "Christmas" was always a time of joy and just magic. My own kids and I had a great time. And, we still get together, of course, but they want to see friends and do other things, not just hang on their "mommy".
Since I married my H, knowing the dysfunction (and I admit, too, my family is not perfect, but they're not loony), I feel like they make a hypocracy out of Christmas. It IS a time of love and joy, not just showing up bringing "gifts" that no one even likes or wants, but just going thru the motions.
My best Christmases, honestly, were spent with my kids playing their Nintendo games with them. I sucked, they always won. But it was always joyful, magical, and full of laughter.
Edwina, I don't think your marriage will suffer, but I think your H down the road will RESPECT that you don't want to be involved in the bickering any more. As I found out with my H, it is a reflection on his FIRST MARRIAGE that his "kids" (well into their 30s now) have issues. It was always a fight, per his daughters.
I really don't feel that I need to involve myself in "fixing" some other woman's problems, or the problems my H had with his kids as a result. They (his "kids") were adults when I met them. I felt "sorry" and tried to be merry as I know they had a pretty chaotic childhood. But, at their ages now, it's not MY issue. They can see their own psychologists if it's that bad.
And, honestly, if my H repeatedly "chose" his adult Ds over me, I would gladly say TAKE HIM. I don't need this nonsense anymore.