staying involved in an ex-step child's life
I am looking for some input on a situation that I find myself in. I am getting married to the love of my life. My fiancé has a 10 year old son. We have him 50% of the time, and bio mom is somewhat civil with me.
Of concern/ issue is that in my fiancé's previous relationship with his child's bio mom, he had a now 18 year old step daughter. We have been together 5 years and whenever we have come into contact or crossed paths with his ex-step daughter, she has been rude and disrespectful to me. I had been nothing but kind and/or generous to her at the beginning (age 13) when my fiancé still played a role in her life. However, over the past few years, my fiancé started noticing how she treated me and there were days she would completely put me down or slaughter the person that I am to people around her. She has blatantly called me names and been disrespectful to my face in public. At one point, my fiancé was a father figure to her in her life for about 8 years. In her teen years, she became a very negative person to be around, and she has clearly found a dislike for me due to my relationship with her at one time step-dad.
Her bio mom is now re-married and she thinks the world of her new step-dad. And that is fine, but it feels like a complete double standard. I never did anything to hurt or make her feel the way she feels towards me. I am at a loss and it hurts me inside.
My fiancé made a choice about three years ago to no longer have a relationship with her, because she was a very unhealthy person to be around in our home. It wasn't fair to have her in the home and allow her to treat me that way.
Now, where I am seeking input/advice. She continues to treat me the way she always has when we cross paths. It hurts me deeply but I have made a conscious choice not to let it affect or have an impact on my life. My fiancé makes me feel complete and whole. I love him more than words can say.
At Christmas time, my fiancé has still been buying her gifts and maybe I am a complete Grinch, but I just don't have it in me to support him buying her presents. It has now caused the first serious rift in my relationship with my fiancé. We have moved on in our lives, are happy and I was feeling complete for once without her in any aspect of my life or my fiancé's life.
I am a more than giving person at Christmas, but I just can't wrap my head around giving a person so disrespectful a gift.
Please help me makes sense of this. I feel like a horrible selfish person for not wanting to give her a gift. I don't want any part of it and I can't bring myself to support my fiancé being a part of it either.
1. there will ALWAYS be a
1. there will ALWAYS be a double standard. StepDAD is accepted with open arms while SM is almost always treated like the silent doormat.
2. RUN!!! This will get ugly between SO trying to still be this woman's daddy and NEW stepdad. Find a nice, never been married/never had kids guy. They're out there.
If he's already made the
If he's already made the decision to no longer have a relationship with her, why is he buying her gifts? Especially if she is so disrespectful. Why is he rewarding bad behavior?
My husband stopped buying gifts for his own bio daughters because of their disrespect.
That makes so much sense to
That makes so much sense to me. Completely, thanks
That makes so much sense to
That makes so much sense to me. completely agree, thanks
The young lady is not just an
The young lady is not just an ex skid, she is the sister of your DF's ten year old son. So what is the ex SD to you, will always be a true connection to the child (who will be your SS).
While it's on your DF whether or not he personally gifts the young lady with presents (he, of course is under no obligation to do so, especially if she is disrespectful), he may decide that he does desire to help his son purchase gifts for the child's sister. Example, Dad allows his son to do chores and earn extra money for gift buying and then Dad taking his son to buy the gift. Doesn't mean the gift is from your DF, solely means your DF is teaching his son the meaning of not just receiving but also giving.
There will be times to come when you will very likely have to see and participate in events that will include the young lady. Your 2b SS's school events, graduations, weddings ect. Hopefully the young lady and you will be able to be civil to each other when such events occur.
I’m new to this page and
I’m new to this page and definitely find every answer and comment helpful..so thank you!
So this grown adult has daddy
So this grown adult has daddy issues with a man who isn't her daddy? This isn't going to go badly at all.
Ya basically.
Ya basically.
Before you walk down the
Before you walk down the aisle to become Mrs. so and so, it is sooooo important for you to take this time to closely observe that what CLEARLY is around you. Please sit with that for a few minutes.
Marriage is very serious, or it should be.
IF you decide to marry this man then you also decide to suck it up where his step daughter from a previous marriage. HE is still involved it appears.
Can you quality deal with that?
GoodLuck
Your fiance is ok with his
Your fiance is ok with his adult SD disrespecting you? He buys her gifts even though she continues to disrespects you? He has chosen not to have a relationship with her or allow her in your home (at the time) because she is disrepectful? WHO in their right mind has no relationship with someone disrespectful but buys them gifts?
Looking at your age difference 27 versus 18, I doubt you will ever be seen as an authority figure to your SD. She probably sees you as her peer. Obviously that is not the nature of the relationship.
I personally could not be with someone who rewards disrespect towards me with gifts. Despite how you feel, your fiance has still decided to maintain a relationship - even if buying her affection - with SD. Maintaining that with her is obviously more important to him that what he has seen with his own eyes and the effect on you. This man in my opinion, not marriage material. You can not control what your fiance does: not buying SD a gift. You can only control your response and choices. Given this situation, I would leave him with his kid and skid. Not worth your love or energy - and certainly not worth your aggrevation.