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Step daughter hates me and I don't know what to do

putthemfirst3's picture

My SD is almost 3 and I have been in her life since she was 16 months old, since before she was talking and hardly walking. She has lived in the same house with me for over a year. My fiance shares custody with her mother half the time, so we have her a lot. I knew from the moment I met my fiance we were going to get married and so I immediately began the acting role of step mom. I was so excited to intertwine our families. I have two kids, 6 and 9, which are with us 70% of the week, so it came naturally to me to love her, hug her, kiss, her, read to her, get her dressed up really cute, paint her nails, make her good dinners, give her responsibilty (putting her dirty clothes in the hamper, putting her plate in the sink, picking up her toys), sing songs, I just want to do things for her that she needs and that will make her happy just like my own children as if she were my own. She has always had some what of a resistance to me and it's gotten worse. To the point where I don't even want to be around her anymore, I have been trying and trying but I can't handle her anymore. I can't believe I am saying this but I CAN'T STAND her. When I make dinner she tells her dad thank you for dinner not me, she tells me I'm ugly my clothes are ugly my hair is ugly, she doesn't like anything I like, she constantly gives me dirty looks, runs away from me when I try to read books with her at night(I read to both of my children every night and she won't let me read to her), If I try to do anything for her she screams and asks for her dad. If I give her a bath she screams and cries tears, if I get her dressed she screams, while she is doing her hair and her dad is sitting right there she cries I want you daddy. If she gets hurt and I pick her up to comfort her and ask whats wrong she kicks me and screams and says I want daddy. She has told me she doesn't like me. She doesn't like me to touch anything of her dads and if I do she screams at me "that's my daddies!". If I give him a hug or kiss she has to give him a hug or kiss. Everything in the house is his, our car, our room, our bed, the house. Everything is about him and NOTHING is about me. She never asks me for help, asks me for anything, wants to show me anything, do anything with me, nothing. She could care less if I were even around. When her dad takes a shower, she kicks and screams at the door for him the entire time, kicks and screams at me if I try to talk to her and pick her up. Her mother is remarried and has anthoer child, her step dad has been around as long as I have. I discovered a few weeks ago she calls him daddy. I have asked her to call me Mama and my name so she can understand what I am to her at our house, she hardly ever does, she refuses to. Her dad never said he had a problem with it but he never would call me that to her until recently when I got really upset with after talking to him about her behaivor with me fo the 3rd time. That kind of built on the hurt I already had. How come he is special enough to use that but I'm not? How come I get treated like nothing? I feel hate from her. I kiss everyone in my houseand say I love you everytime I leave somewhere or go to bed. Ever since I can remember she has either smacked me when I do this, scratched me, moved her head away and screamed no. I can't handle it anymore. I am so hurt that the last couple days I have been almost ignoring her and stopped all my motherly behaivor towards her. I am tired of feeling so much denial from her. If I do her hair she cries, when her mom does her hair she brags about it. I bought her a really cute tutu outfit and yesterday she was playing in it and called it a pom pom, I simply told her, no hunny that's a tutu not a pom pom and low and behold I got another dirty look and she says "no it's a pom pom, my daddy said", and she walks away. It's always MY DADDY She has even told her dad I've hit her before, which is not true at all, althought I really want to. If he isn't in the room she's looking for him and asking where is MY daddy? I don't know where this is coming from, I don't know what to do, I have talked to my fiance so many times. He doesn't know what to do, he tells her not to treat me that way and tells me I'm at our house I am mama and that I will do all her mommy things and that I'm special. He even told her "isn't mama (my name) pretty?" Trying to encourage her to be nice to me and she looks at me with that dirty look and says no. I wonder if some of this could be coming from her mothers house. I've heard that she is extremly spoiled over there by all of that family. All my fiances family live out of state. I almost wonder if someone feeds her these things. This has gotten to the point with me where I am devasted and so extremly hurt it puts me in tears. I have even told her she can't treat me the way she does because it makes me sad. I can't belive this kind of hate is coming from a 2 year old! In all honesty I have never seen her be kind to anyone. Everything is about her. Which is semi normal for a two year but I almost want to say she has a cruel heart, which again doesn't seem natural to me. I have seen so many posts on here from SM's dealing with similar things. I can give her a lot of love and I want to but this is going on almost two years of these increasing mean behaivors towards me and It can not continue. I love my fiance and I will marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. One day she will leave, but until then, I don't know what to do. My kids have a good relationship with my fiance. Suggestions? Help?

Jerseymommy's picture

She is too little to take her this seriously. I have a baby her age and he is also favors and hates some family members. It's a stage.
Also she can sense that this things are too important to you. She will do the opposite when she feel pressured.
Just let it go, and don't take it too personally. You mentioned that she just got a new sibling. That's extremely hard on a little one too.
You are not her mother, she have a mother. She don't have to love you and enjoy your hugs and kisses as your bios.
I would give her some space, and wait until she asks for help, love or anything she needs.

MdMom's picture

I agree witüh Jerseymommy.

My soon to be SIL was in the same situation with one of her four stepkids, granted her SD is the baby, and only girl her FDH had. SIL has two kids of her own (boy and girl)

I gave her the advice of backing off of her SD (3 at the time 4 now) and it worked. One day her SD woke up and won't leave SIL alone now.

Give your SD space and time, forcing her to like you clearly isn't working. So just give her space, let dad take control. She doesn't want you to brush her hair, don't, let SO do it. I did this with my own SD3 when she didn't want me to brush her hair or teeth, but after she had Daddy do it a few times (he tryed to get the tangles out hurt free.... But he's only a man, he doesn't really know how to brush/fix hair.) She started asking me again. I think its cause I know how to braid and do ponys. And she would see how cute DD's hair was and want the same.

Like I said time and space is needed for your SD.

Disillusioned's picture

First of all, I totally feel for you Sad that is a rough situation

I agree with Jerserymom that kids at this age go through these stages. My SGS is about the same age as your sd and almost from the time the child could talk it was clear he prefers his daddy over his mommy. Always would sit sit on SSIL knee, had to sit beside SSIL during dinner, wants SSIL to feed him, etc.. on a lot of occasions if his mom (my H's daughter) would try to pick him up instead, or feed him instead, etc..SGS would make it clear that no he wanted daddy.

Then recently, SGS became closer to my H's daughter. Kids can be like that at this age. They can change, or they may stay that way.

Your sd could simply be going through a stage, or she may never prefer you (sorry honey, I know that's hard)

And yes it is possible this could also be a case of BM PASing your sd against you. I can see how parents can do this with young children. I suspect my H's daughter does this to me with SGS. She can accomplish this by simply making a really big deal about H when she knows H and I are about to visit. She doesn't even have to come out and say anything bad about me to the kid. All she has to do is say things like GRANPA is coming to see you! mommy loves GRANDPA! is GRANDPA going to play hide and seek with you?! Is GRANDPA going to buy you ice cream?! By the time H and I arrive SGS is running down the hall all GRANDPA! GRANDPA! GRANDPA! practically will knock me out of the way to get to H

And like you, if I dare to offer to play hide and seek I'll hear, NO, GRANDPA! Whatever H says or does caused smiles, giggles of delight and lots of clinging from SGS. If I try the exact same thing, I'm at best simply ignored.

I have given this some thought, especially as like you have been nothing but caring and kind, and have come to the conclusion it is either simply a stage the child is at, or it's H's daughter PASing him against me, or most likely a combination of both

Sounds like you already now know this very same thing about your SD. And you are asking what can you do?

Well...first of all, you have to accept that it is what it is Sad Don't beat yourself up about it and honestly sweetie try not to take this to heart. As much as you might not be able to fathom doing it at this point try to just shrug your shoulders and remind yourself she is only a toddler

Secondly, stop trying to get her to accept you. That may never happen. I agree with the others that say she shouldn't be forced to call you mama. You're not. If she doesn't want you to hug her, don't. If she doesn't want you to kiss her, no kisses. If she doesn't want you to brush her hair, her and her dad are on their own with that one, if she doesn't want you to touch "her daddy's" things....well - too bad!

Which brings me to my next point - first step I would recommend you take at this point is a well timed, non-emotional discussion with your fiance about this situation. Be honest, tell him her behavior hurts you but more importantly his daughter doesn't want anything at all to do with you. Let him know you are going to back off completely. No hugs, kisses, brushing her hair, you are going to stay away as any attempts to reach out and do these things for her cause his daughter to get very upset indeed.

Secondly, again I agree with Echo and can't stress enough that you have to make your finance know that he must not allow her to be disrespectful to you. She should not be allowed to say mean things. Next time she calls you ugly your finance needs to stop her in her tracks, he needs to demand she apologize to you - hey maybe make her go give you a hug and say she is sorry - and make it clear in your house people don't behave in a mean way.

Believe me once your SD sees that her daddy is not happy about that behavior and there will be consequences, she will stop.

Also, your finance needs to allow you the authority to discipline her on that behaviour during the instances he may not catch it fast enough or at all. So for example, the next time you pick up a cell phone and your SD says "that's my daddy's" you also need to be able to tell her to settle down right now, everything in this house is yours as much as daddy's" and your fiance needs to back you up 100%

So, to make a long story short. Best you can do is 1: except it is what it is 2: don't take it to heart 3: disengage from the child 4: insure neither you nor your fiance accept disrespectful behaviour from her towards her

On a happier note, you may just find that if you totally back off from her, she may decide after time that she does want your attention and affection. I don't want to build your hopes up as it may never happen but it could. And if it doesn't, believe me if you disengage enough from this situation that you no longer care about this child's rejection of you, everyone - mostly you - will be a whole lot happier and stress free

I wish you all the best with it!