You seem to be placing a lot of blame on the BM for the way your daughter is but what is your part in this? The only reason I am asking is if I am ever driven to the point where I don't want my step-child in my home anymore is because my wife has done little to nothing to address the situation. And my stepkid is 14. Yours is 5!?!? Ouch!

If BM truly is the "root of all evil" I would suggest bringing your daughter to see a child therapist.

Below is a link to a Amazon.com search on the problem you're having called "Parental Alienation Syndrome" and how to handle it.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_16?url=search-alias%3Dstripbook...

Research Parental Alienation Syndrome. Do what you can to combat the PAS.

I am super new to this site, but can relate. I have the same with my husband and his ex. It has been a nightmare. 2 of the 3 of my step children are teenagers and they are ruining my relationship with my husband due to the lies, and the tyrants his ex goes on about us. She just uses it to manipulate the kids. And the children are learning her tricks. I thought after 5 years that this would have passed. But honest to god it has only gotten worse. And I am at a cross roads in my relationship. I wish you the very best. Its sad to leave any child behind, but you have to also protect your wife's feelings too, as well as yours.

I don't blame your wife for wanting her gone. Your daughter is a danger to your wife and her babies with these accusations and like any good mum she is going to protect her young. The fact is how would you feel if you had your 2 youngest taken away because of all this and that is a possibility. It might all be because of the BM but for your wife she is only able to do all this stuff because of the SD so removing the SD from her life and home is her only option at this point. I couldn't imaging living with the stress your wife has had to from all this and yes I'm sure its very hard for you 2 but at the end of the day you have an emotional investment in your daughter which is why you keep fighting for her but your wife does not so she's been going threw all this for nothing except the fact she loves you.
I think it would be safer for you and your family to see your daughter out side the home and where other people are around so you can't be acussed of neglect or abuses I'd also be recording those visits so anything your daughter is repeating from her BM is on tape as proof

Time for three things IMHO.

1) Destroy BM in court. Slander, Libel, PAS, manipulation, Contempt of Court, etc... Whatever toxic crap she does, kick her ass in court each and every time. If you can find criminal violations, sling those at her too. No quarter, do not ever think that she is capable of being reasonable. She has proven she cannot be trusted and needs to be forcibly aligned with reasonable adult behavior and the CO.

2) Facts, all of them. Share them with your eldest child in an age appropriate manner. Every sordid little detail regarding her mother's behavior should be shared. As DD-5 gets older, share more information and in a manner increasingly appropriate for her age. She is a bit too young to go in to too much detail at this time but sitting her down and asking her if you or your bride have ever not given her food, or beat her up, etc…. will start to get her thinking about the facts Vs. BM’s lies.

3) Parenting and discipline. YOU must take the lead in addressing DD-5's toxic behavior. Also in an age appropriate manner. Zero tolerance for bullshit behavior IMHO.

Your bride is at the end of her rope, understandably IMHO. However, a 5yo is not capable of formulating her own opinion and perspective. All she knows is that her mommy is upset and that makes her angry. Until you address DD-5's behavior and share the facts and truth of her BM's toxic behavior she will not even begin to be able to formulate any fact based clarity regarding the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool (BM).

You and your bride are equity partners in life and that makes you both equity parents to any children in your home regardless of the biology of those children. I strongly suggest you engage with your bride on this, get her inputs and participation regarding the destruction of BM, delivering the facts to the 5yo in an age appropriate manner, and in parenting and disciplining the 5yo to address her BM/PAS induced behavioral issues.

What you have been doing has not been working and your bride's comments are the result of an ineffective strategy for dealing with BM and your DD-5.

This IMHO is the most effective way, if not the only way, to deal with this issue with any chance of retaining a quality and meaningful relationship with your daughter, maintaining a healthy marriage and stable family, and countering the toxic influence of your daughter’s toxic womb donor.

This is generally the path we took in dealing with my SS-22's toxic toothless moron Sperm Idiot, the Sperm Clan, and the Skids pre and post visitation behavioral degradation. Our blended family adventure started when my bride and I met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. Countering the toxic sperm clan and the shallow and polluted end of my Skid’s gene pool and destroying them legally and financially while keeping SS abreast of the facts of the situation is what ultimately allowed us to raise him to be far more than any of the rest of the Sperm Clan has ever been or will be.

Behaviorally he was a well behaved happy kid when he was at home with his mom and I. Issues would begin a couple of weeks before a visitation. His behavior would degrade, he would get volatile, whiney, moody, etc…. Then when he returned home we would have a few weeks of post visitation behavioral detox to get him back in to the swing of acceptable behavior in our home. Consistency was critical when addressing this toxic visitation related Skid behavior. His mom and I had to be a team to deal with it quickly, effectively and as sensitively as we could but zero tolerance for bullshit behavior was a non negotiable.

By the time SS was in his pre and early teens he was periodically pawing through our file cabinets reviewing the court records, transcripts, PI investigation reports, the Sperm Idiots criminal and arrest records, the records showing that his CS and all visitation travel expenses were paid by Sperm Grandma and Sperm Grandpa and the information on the 3 younger also out-of-wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two more baby mamas and the custody/CS/Visitation facts relative to them.

He would usually dig through the file cabinets shortly after returning from a Sperm Land visitation. We would fairly regularly hear him expostulate “I knew he/she/they were lying to me.”

One of the most memorable incidents of SS confirming the facts we shared when his Sperm Idiot would step out of line was when SS asked the DipShitIot if he had ever been married. DickHead told him no. Right there in the files was the court marriage records and divorce records of the Sperm Idiot marrying his then 16yo bride a week before we went to court (so he could avoid statutory rape charges) and then divorced her 4mos later. The Skid was irate that his dad had lied to him and even more pissed off that when his dad was 27-28 he was having sex with a 15-16yo girl. My bride was 16 and DickHead was 25 when SS was born. During that file mining activity SS also found the records of when his BioDad ran from the constable who was serving him with papers for a CS review.

As a young adult the Skid has no use for his Biological Father or any of the adults in the Sperm Clan. He does remain fairly close to Sperm Idiot spawn #2 who also detests BioDad and the Sperm Grandparents. The youngest two spawn adore their father and are fulfilling his lifelong dream of being a gangbanger. Both of the youngest boys are biracial (they also share the same mother) and can join gangs that DickHead was repeatedly rejected by because he is as African American as Opie Cunningham. He would try to lie that his mother was black but she is an Aunt B looking while woman.

Like you, my bride tried to be calm, accommodating, and reasonable in dealing with the Sperm Clan in an effort to minimize tensions for the kid when he was on Sperm Land visitation. That did no good. They were incapable of being adult or reasonable. When my DW was agreeable or placid they would push and manipulate even more. It was not until I finally sat her down and told her that I was tired of her being upset each and every time she interfaced with the Sperm Clan. She was adamant that if she was forceful with them that they would take it out on the Skid. I had to step her through all of the facts showing that they were taking it out on the kid anyway so she would be better served to take control, be assertive, and destroy them when necessary. It was when she finally adopted my “kick their asses” mentality that we started to get their manipulations under control and could keep at least some of their bullshit in alignment when the Skid was on visitation. DW would still get emotional but rather than tears and heart break her emotions were anger and fury which she applied very well to bring the pain down on the Sperm Clan when they crawled out from under their slime covered rock to attempt their usual bullshit.

So, destroy the opposition, share the facts and truth with your kid, manage her behavior, and do all of this in close partnership with your bride. Deal with BM as her own behaviors dictate but show no quarter.

It has worked well for us over the 20+ years we have been navigating the blended family adventure.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I would also suggest learning discipline methods other than corporal ones. Since you know spanking will be used against you, find other ways of bringing your child in line.

Don't know if you're still here but jumanji said what I wanted to say. Don't spank. No one ever got called by CPS for not buying an ice cream cone or having a favorite doll taken away for awhile or missing a favorite TV show or having to clean her room while everyone else is swimming.

Don't take any chances. Do give swift feedback to the kid on bad behavior, but don't take any more chances with CPS.

If I missed it, my apologies, but I can't believe nobody in this thread recommended you get the book Divorce Poison, buy a highlighter, and make this book your new bible. Sorry you're going thru this.

For the time being, it sounds as if you new visiting time off site from your home is best. Wait to see how things go and have your home be a wonderful place for your other 2 childern.

Sorry this is how it is for you.