step mom Questions?
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How much does age play in the role of being a step mom? Is it ALWAYS Easier to bond with a smaller child rather then a school age CHILD.. Do teenage children differ from like 7 or 9 year olds.
Or is AGE JUST a RELATIVE # and personaitly and character override age in the end? THOUGHTS?
Nope. I met DHs kid at age
Nope. I met DHs kid at age 4. All was good for a little while...the older she got the more PAS mom started...the better we got along, the more BM PASed her...our relationship is non-existent. Her relationship with her dad is ruined. The ONLY thing that makes a difference is having a good BM and BD that do NOT put kid first, but work TOGETHER same as if they had stayed married instead of having the kid take sides or believing every BS story the kid tells them.
I don't think age has all
I don't think age has all that much to do with it. I think more significant is whether you have already had bio kids of your own - so that you have experience of what to expect from them at different ages etc. However, this can also be a hindrance, I tend to compare my SKs negatively with my own daughters who are in their 20's.
I think also the attitude of the Bio Mother is terribly significant. (Read the book "Stepmonster" for very useful info on this.) If the BM poisons her kids minds against you as they often do, basically you're stuffed as far as forming a reasonable relationship goes.
Also the attitude of the kids father - does he support you and acknowledge the difficulties for everyone in adjusting to the new blended family? If he doesn't, and criticises you for not "loving" his kids (which as we all know is fairly rare and more often downright impossible), there is not a very good prognosis. Sorry to sound so negative. I'm sure happy stepfamilies do exist, but on this site its mainly the twanging of heartstrings from those for whom its not going so well.
So very well said kes. “The
So very well said kes. “The attitude of the BM is terribly significant.” If she poisons the children against the SM, which is a relatively easy thing for her to do by playing the victim in combination with a barrage of seemingly innocent comments such as “I miss the way your dad used to be” or “when I was with your dad he was a kind gentle man”, as if his whole being has undergone a massively negative transformation since meeting stepmother.
Even though it is rarely put into this language it translates to mean he is a weak man under the spell of a witch. This PAS tactic works extremely well even with older children who most certainly never want to see or admit to having succumbed to manipulation by their mother. Moreover, the children cling to the false notion that their all-good mother just wouldn’t do that.
When the BM has infiltrated the EX’s family most often with the help of the children who exaggerate and make up stories to “prove” how that woman has changed dad from a good guy into a bad guy developing a relationship is impossible. Yet strangely in their minds this all powerful man, dad, remains an innocent passive victim who is salvageable if he can just get away from the clutches of that nasty woman.
So BM is given carte blanche with everyone to behave badly and it all slips under the radar because of the social party line that mothers aren’t evil, but stepmothers sure are. Then stepmothers are met with criticism, hostility and contempt after BM has manipulated circumstances so that everyone believes that stepmother has somehow hurt them and she deserves to suffer for it.
Since I have had a good
Since I have had a good experience with a stepdaughter and at the present have a not so good experience...here is what the deal was in my case.
I don't know if age has much to do with it but personality certainly does. My son's sister (my former SD)had a sweet personality and always thought of others me included. I got along great with her mom. I had a good relationship with her because she wasn't jealous of me or my children and when she was with us, we were a family not "me and my daddy and those other people" kind of thinking. She was 9 when she came into my life. I truly love her and respect her to this day and we still talk and are friends now.
My current SD was 8 when I met her father. BM sees her maybe once a month for little while until Sd gets bored and cries to dadddddy to come pick her up. BM is more like an aunt or something and doesn't seem to want otherwise. SD has a terribly manipulative side and a two faced personality. She is only out for herself and doesn't care what she has to do or who she has to hurt to get what she wants. I struggle with wondering if it her free range raising that is the cause of this or just a personality that she was born with. Probably a combination of both. I don't think our relationship will ever be more than tolerating each other for the sake of my DH. She is jealous of me and my son and will never accept us as a part of her family it will always be "me and my daddy and those other people that live here."
I honestly believe it is more the personality that someone is born with than outside factors even though they are definately a big part indeed. Not sure if age matters a whole lot.
I think each situation is
I think each situation is different. I came into my skids' life when he was 14 months old. Thank goodness my DH wasnt dumb enough to marry the stupid hillbilly BM that he knocked up the weekend he met her. Time has only made things worse. I now rarely even say 2 words to the kid. I am patiently awaiting the day that he goes home & I dont have to see him for 4 months.
I agree that each skid is
I agree that each skid is different. I have known my SD since she was 1. I married DH when she was 3. She was okay as a toddler & preschooler, but since she was about 6 it has been all aggression & hostility. It was like parenting a tween at 6. Now that SD is 12 everyone says that her disrespect & mean behavior are all age. So I ask, what was the excuse for the last 6 years then?