This step mum has sacked herself!!!
Well I think I am finally being listened too. Sadly it has taken complete disengagement from her for my partner to start taking complete responsibility of her and he can either deal or not deal with her as he wishes. I used to do everything. Buy all of the food, clothes, make sure she was bathed in bed on time. Conversed with the school at parents evening. Made her bedroom lovely etc etc. what is the damn point when my opinions do not count.
I said no to her going out to a youth club the night before her exam as it would mean a late night ( which she can't cope with).She had a complete meltdown crying and wimpring and he gave into her.
That, was the straw that broke the camels back.
I am not doing anything anymore for her.
I am going to sound awful but for my sanity it has to be this way. I no longer look after her after school or at the weekends when he is at work. I had to make changes to my hours to fit in with our son and if he is not prepared to do the same well that's not my problem or my responsibility.
I used to cook lovely nutritious food and he feeds her crap. If he doesn't value the quality of the food she eats why am I busting a gut for this kid?
He is now getting his buttons pushed by her. She is being cheeky to him, asking for stuff she knows she isn't allowed and I am staying out of the conversation and concentrati by on my son whom has special needs. She is on school holidays this week and my partner is working. Yesterday he got up early and just went to work leaving her here despite my new rules. So we had a massive row but I think he has finally got the message. He can take a week off work to look after her but he won't so he has organised a child minder. I work too just for the record.
So there it is folks.
I was told once that as a step parent you haven't got the maternal bond with your step child that you can rely on when times are tough. Why should I be doing more for this kid than both of her parents put together. I just haven't got the inclination any more.
I hope this will become a healthier situation in time that I spend quality time with her. Not wasting time being a parent that nobody wants.
When I first met dh and ss I
When I first met dh and ss I jumped in with all my mother instincts and went crazy trying to reform this 12 yr old ferrel child in my new home. I had been a mother for 15 years and knew how to parent and was not shy to take on another. It was only a matter of days before I realized this kid was NOT going to let me parent him. He'd look me in the eye, lift his fat chin and say you're not my parent. I didn't blink and made demands that for my own kids would have been fine and dandy b/c they'd grown up learning all the proper things in life like brush your teeth, put the cap back on the toothpaste, wipe your butt after pooing, wash your hands, make your bed, put the dishes into the sink, etc, etc, etc. I cooked glorious meals and he would make Ramen noodles instead, I'd make his bed and he'd take it apart, I'd ask him to wipe the toilet after peeing all over the seat and he'd grab MY towel and swipe the pee and then toss the towel on the floor. I could write a book...
I discovered after finding this site that disengagement was going to be my ONLY option to stay sane. Now I totally take care of my kids and ignore ss16. He gets to ride to school in the mornings with bs and me only b/c it's a decent way to save on gas but in 3 weeks when school is out, bs15 goes to the local school and ss16 can either make up his own mind where to go on his own or go to the local school, but even if I still work out that way I will not be driving him. He gets to eat what I cook and if he doesn't like it or is not here he can eat Ramen. I don't buy the ramen either, DH buys it in bulk and if he thinks it's ok for ss16 to grow up on noodles, so be it. I prefer healthy cooking with vegies and fruit and meat. My kids eat what I cook and never complain b/c they know if they do they go hungry, they don't get to eat ramen and they don't want to b/c they prefer baked potatoes, pork chops and beans over noodles any day!! Or lasagna, or chef salad or whatever!!
Thanks so much for your non
Thanks so much for your non judgemental reply. I hear what you are saying completely and I agree with how you are dealing with your situation. I feel the road of disengagement can be positive for everyone involved if dealt with effectively. I am not prepared to pretend to be a mother to a child who isn't mine. I have a part in her life that is different to a parent and her expectations and my partners are at fault. He says I am rejecting her just like her mother has. That hurts, but they are trying to place me into a role that they want. When it suits them.
Sorry I am ranting again!!!
Keep up the good work!!
I've done the same thing. I'm
I've done the same thing. I'm just now learning about "disengagement" and it's a tough row to hoe, cuz it goes against every grain my soul! But, sometimes it is the only way to survive I think.
I didn't think, and still struggle with, how can it be "wrong" to apply my maternal instincts to ANY child, on my watch? Especially skids? But, somehow, in this universe, it is. It just doesn't work. Once a woman "ruins" her own children, it is absolutely impossible to overcome that as the new chick on the block. One can only pray that the DH/bio dad sides WITH YOU and adopts your way of life, for the betterment of everyone in the family. That's where I'm stuck now...communicating and "training" dad to be a team co captain with me. In a household of 6, it is impossible for there to be a split-lifestyle of 3:3, or 4:2, etc etc...it's not practical, it's energy consuming, and it's too darned expensive as well!
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but, I think we all understand it for sure. Prayers for a peaceful resolution, hopefully sooner rather than later!!!
Disengagement is tough. I see
Disengagement is tough. I see it as simply setting a new set of boundaries that everyone knows where they are. Good luck with your training your OH. Men often thrive when they think what they are doing is their idea!!