Struggling with feelings in a blended family.
My husband and I have been together for five years and recently got married. We’ve been through so much in the short time we’ve known each other. He’s the kind of man who believes no child should grow up without a father, so he has taken on the role of dad to a 15-year-old boy who isn’t biologically his. He’s no longer with the boy’s mother, but we’ve had a lot of problems with her over the years. She openly admits she’s tried to interfere in our relationship because my husband no longer wants to be with her.
Recently, his 12-year-old daughter moved in with us, and I’ve been having some complicated feelings about his kids—more so with his daughter than the boy. She can be downright mean at times, saying rude things and being unkind to our 20-month-old biological son. She’ll purposely antagonize him even when he’s playing quietly on his own.
I find myself feeling jealous and irritated when my husband spends more time with her or doesn’t address her behavior, especially when she’s being rude. I don’t know if it’s because we parent differently or if it’s because she’s his daughter, but these feelings are hard to deal with.
I hate feeling jealous of their relationship, and I want to love her fully, but it’s hard when these emotions come up. Has anyone been through something similar? Are these feelings normal, and how can I handle them better? I want to create a loving environment for all of us, but I feel stuck right now.
We have all benn thru it
Your feelings are normal, two women competing for a man's attention, I lived it. But you need to have a quiet serious talk with DH and both get on the same page about your SD antagonizing the child. He needs to address it but you both need to be aligned first.
You are equity life partners
You are equity life partners which makes you equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid parent biology. Since he won't parent and address her rude behavior, you do it. When he whines about it, and he most definately will, tell him that if he does not like how you parent and discipline he needs to get it done before you have to but whether he steps up or not it will happen. Then apply escalating misery inducing consequences for SD's behavioral bullshit.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Blending families is
Blending families is definitely tough.... and TBH.. I would have a problem with the situation he is in with the Boy.. I would not have a huge issue if he wanted to continue a "mentor" type situation if he had the time to do that.. but I would be drawing the line at him acting like he is actually a parent with full financial and time obligations that would entail. Again, it may be admirable that he wants to be supportive.. but he does not have legal rights over that child.. and if it is taking significant time and financial resources from your own bio child.. and his other one.. that is something that needs to change... again.. mentor yes.. that could mean staying in touch electronically.. having lunch a couple times a month.. etc.. not living with you.
The girl.. she is a different issue.. and unfortunately at one of those ages that can be particularly difficult.. becoming a teen.. the hormonal changes.. the changes in her life from moving in... it may not always be a smooth ride.
But.. she should absolutely be held to standards of respecting others in the home.. including your toddler. Now, I get it.. toddlers can be damn annoying.. they get into things. .. and can be loud and messy.. but if she has problems like that with your child.. she can learn to keep her precious things out of reach.. could be allowed to keep her door closed to her room.. maybe with a child safe door knob cover? But her FATHER should be calling her out on her mean behavior.. it's not fair to your child to be subject to that.. and if he won't believe you.. then put cameras up in public spaces and show him.
"I would have a problem with
"I would have a problem with the situation he is in with the Boy."
Yeah. These martyr-type guys may be admirable from afar but when you're their current partner, their "sacrifice" tends to spill over to you and your sympathy wears thin. That's a whole separate child to have in your space and fund, and a whole separate BM to have to deal with.
Your DH Continues to have a relationship
With a old GF . Using [her ..] non bio child as a excuse. Is total wrong . Ex Gf are a no contact person. He's should not be talking to her or her DS. He's not a good hearted person. He's not breaking his relationship with the ex. I would not stand for that...
His DD? DH has a problem with relationships in general. I know it's his DD. But as a parent he must teach his DD to show respect to you his SO. Sh e living in your home .
Does DH actually respect you? That's the problem. He shows disrespect to you, by playing games with the ex. And her DS. He shows disrespect to you by allowing his DD to disrespect you. If this marriage and relationship is to continue he must change.
Feels make things more difficult than necessary when blending.
So, focus on the behiors and not what may cause them. The whats are easy. The whys are often a waste of effort.
Focus on the facts and not the feels.
The facts are that your DH is enmeshed with his Xs including with baggage that isn't even his own. None of it is your baggage.
Do not invest in joining his baggage train. Focus on the facts, force feed him the facts, and tell him he fixes it all or you will.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.