Is there any hope?
I have been married to my husband since 2000 and together for a total of nine years now. I have two daughters aged 11 and 13, and he has three children, a daughter aged 17, a son aged 13 and a daughter aged 13. Last weekend while changing and washing their bedding a note fell out of one of them. This note said how much "he/she" hates me and my 13 year old daughter and that "he/she" wishes we were dead. I recently had spinal surgery and "he/she" wrote that "he/she" was hoping I would die during surgery. It went on to say that "he/she" would do whatever it takes to run us out of our home so "he/she" and my husband would have everything to themselves. I showed this note to my husband. He was very upset. He begged me not to leave and said he didn't write it so not to be made at him. He went to their mother's home (they live with her and are here once during the week and every other weekend) to talk to his ex-wife and kids. The next day he regretted talking to them and became very depressed and unplugged because he was very worried that they would not want to come here anymore, so he called them and apologized for everything. That was it, nothing else was done. He never worried about how I felt or my daughter, he never even asked how I felt or if I was okay. It was swept under the carpet. This is not the first time that this has happened. My husband and his kids seem to have it in for my 13 year old daughter and treat her rather harshly. I have spoken to all of them repeatedly about this. Things are great for a couple of weeks and then they all go back to being mean and rude, including my husband. I am at a loss that things will ever get better and am starting to think that this marriage is over. Nothing ever seems to change and my feelings as well as my girls feelings seem to be unimportant to my husband. It's always about his kids. How should I handle this? What should I do?
You're not alone
I have heard of others going through this. Have you tried family counseling? I know it's not always affordable but there are counselors with sliding scale fees that work with different budgets. That's what I would suggest if you want to save your marriage. First start with your husband and everyone who lives with you on a normal daily basis, then add in the rest. I wish I could offer more advice. But I do wish you luck and I hope it works out. The sun comes after the rain. Just remember that, okay?
Counselling
I have asked my husband to try it with all the kids as a family, but he is not willing. I urged him a while back after he admitted to treating my 13 year old daughter meanly to speak to someone. He went and talked to a pastor in our neighbourhood. The pastor asked him to call him after and set up another time to get together but he never did. He just let it go. This is all very sad and I find myself crying when I am alone because I just don't know what to do anymore. I love him and I know he loves me.....but he loves his kids more than he loves our marriage.
Is there any hope?
I, too also wonder that all of the time. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 6 this year. We have 3 boys, a 14 year old (my stepson) and our two boys, ages 4 and 2. It's peaceful when it's the four of us, but when my stepson comes home from a weekend with his mom (he lives with us) or just from school in the afternoon it's hell on earth! I work 4 hours a day at my 2 year old's school to give me and my boys something to do during the day. But my stepson is with us constantly. His dad and mom both work alot and she has a 17 year old, his sister who she "hangs with." I am at my wits end. I have told both his mom and dad that both they, he and myself should talk to someone outside of family because there is sooo much to resolve. My husband doesn't want to believe there is anything wrong and his mom justs says it him acting out, being bad. I don't think so. He is violent towards me and my two boys. Especially my 4 year old. My stepson weighs in at 170# and is 6 feet tall. My little boys are only a little over 3 feet and weigh 33#. I am on eggshells constantly in my own home and I am afraid that as he gets older and stronger it will get worse. If I tell him anything whether it be to brush his teeth or bathe(which he does neither), take out the trash or just be nice to his brothers, he feels and has stated that I am not his mom and he doesn't have to listen to me. He has also told us that he is jealous of his little brothers and resents the fact that he is with me 90% of the time. I love his dad and we have a very nice family, but this child doesn't want anything to do with it. I have also begun to resent having to do everything for him when I feel I need to be there for my own boys who love and appreciate me. I feel nothing for this child and it's unfortunate, because when he was younger it was different, but in the last 3 years it has gotten out of control. I am always on the defensive with him regarding my own two. He also has nothing to do with my family who we are around quite alot. It's crazy, his 17 year old sister, treats me and my boys more like family and I love her to death! Can it get better? Or is it destined to just get worse? His mom is a nice person, but she likes to party and have a good time and he's allowed to be part of that atmosphere with his mom and sister and their friends. At our house, he's expected to be 13. What can we do?