Trouble with SS and his mother
Hi everyone, I've not posted anything on here until now but it's been a useful resource, however, I am now at my wits end as to what to do about my current situation.
I've been married for 15 years and have 4 biological children and 3 step-children. When I married my wife I took on her children as my own as any decent step-parent would do. However, things went very wrong about 4 years ago. My SS became very aggressive, he was 13 at the time and we didn't know why. This carried on for a few months and to cut a very long story short my SS told my wife he has been masterbating in front our of DD. Upon speaking to our DD we found out he had been molesting her at night whilst we were asleep, locking her in the bathroom and making her do obscene things to him, we were completely unaware because my SS had told our DD that if she told us or hinted at us then she would be taken away.
Anyway, we involved the police, social services, CAHMS and various other professionals over the course of 2 years and eventually we got a court order to have my SS put in to a secure care home.
This should have enabled us to try to fix our family but my wife visits her DS and when she comes back she is angry at the way he has behaved towards her and said things about her. I get upset and annoyed because he shouldn't be doing this then because I'm getting angry at my SS I'm in the wrong, my wife then proceeds to blame our DD (the one who was abused) and says she has no right to be angry at him too. My DD has been to counselling for 2 years, my oldest biological son has also been in to counselling and there seems no end. Anytime I get angry at what he has done or our DD does, my wife doesn't want to know, it's now got to the point where I'm saying this can't carry on because it's affecting our marriage and our biological children as well as my other 2 step-children. My guts tell me to leave my wife and take the children so they can stop being affected by the fall out of what the abuse has caused, I just don't know anymore.
Follow your gut. What other
Follow your gut. What other route is there?
It would be a good idea to
It would be a good idea to get it on record in front of DD's couselor that DW is emotionally abusing DD by telling her she has no right to be upset about what happened to her. Counselor could attempt to set DW straight about what she is doing, and if it doesn't work, you have a witness to how DW is behaving.
You have my most heartfelt
You have my most heartfelt sympathy for all that you are dealing with in your family. Everyone in your family has been horrendously hurt by this but you are right that DD especially needs support and understanding. Your wife may be in some kind of denial about what's happened and apparently is too broken to see past her own pain. It really sounds like a mistake for her to see him at all.
My SS was abused (not sexually) by his mother. There is nothing that causes him more pain than being told how he should feel about the abuse or that it was somehow his fault. Being denied their own feelings or told to get over it is cruel to any victim of abuse. Such gaslighting is immensely hurtful. I am very sorry, but your instinct is right. Protect your DD. Sometimes you cannot keep waiting for your partner to heal and you have to take action. If everyone in the family is drowning in pain, it may be too much to think you can save them all. Save the most vulnerable first.
I really can't see a path
I really can't see a path forwards for you and your wife with a blended family under the same roof. It would be hard enough if you were completely on the same page regarding the awful events you describe - but you are not, and you can't understand why your wife is protecting her son at the expense of your daughter. I think you should leave with your kids, as your gut tells you.
Your wife needs a swift kick
Your wife needs a swift kick to her ass, figuratively of course. to provide her with clarity that her pervy sexual predator failed family progeny has no place in your blended family going forward. Your daughter needs and should have the absolute loyalty and protection of her parents.. Both of her parents.
"He sexually assaulted and abused our daughter repeatedly" He will never have a place in this home or family again. That you are prioritizing the criminal sexual predator over our daughter cannot happen. Stop it now!"
Lather.......... rinse............... repeat.