What Can I Do
Ok so this is my first post and I'll try to keep it short and simple. My DH and I have six children. We have two together, my son from a previouse marriage, his two from one xgirlfriend, and another one from an xgirlfriend. We've been together for three years. This is his first marriage and the first time he has had to deal with being a stepparent. I have been through several divorces as a child and have gained what I feel to be some insight into stepparenting issues. His first daughter I have never met since she lives in Cali and he does not currently have visitation but that's another story. The other two we had a battle like hell with the bm after she abducted them. Long story short we lost the custody battle and have visitation now. My ex is not a very good rolemodel or dad and my dh feels he has to be that in my son's life. Needless to say he is very strict with my son and it always feels like he is vigilant when my son makes mistakes but blind when he's doing well. I try to bite my tounge because whenever I do say anything it causes a huge fight. I especially try to talk to him about these things when my son is not around. It's very hard to do because I do feel he is very unfair at times. So there is the occasional time when I will stand up for my son in front of him. I try to treat all of our children fairly but my dh treats his children with a whole lot more patience and love than he treats my son. He blames my son for causing fights and says my son annoys him. I would love to tell him that his kids are annoying to me but that I grin and bear it because I love him and them. Honestly most children can be annoying at times but you have to deal with it because they are only children. I feel like I'm in the middle all the time and that I either have to choose my son or my husband. What can I do to gain some peace in my home?
That's a tough one.....
I have felt at times that my DH has less patience for my BD than his own kids as well. He just seems to be quicker to yell at her than them, for the same things. Even though his kids are about 4 years older, and really should know better. I think there are at least two sides to this. In our case, my BD lives with us full time, so the sheer exposure to her can make her misbehavior harder for him to tolerate. Second, he is her stepfather, and although she calls him daddy, she will second guess his authority, much more so than she will to me. That said, I do call him on it when I think he is being unfair to her, usually in private, but I as well sometimes stick up for her while it is happening. It is not extreme in my case, but I think it is always important to keep communication open about things like this. It is very difficult to treat all children equally, and all of us are going to have a tendency to stick up for our own kids. So, if you and your DH can try your best to look at behavior as objectively as possible, that is the best route I believe. One thing that will help will be to agree to a list of consequences for certain behaviors, you and DH determine a list together of frequent misbehaviors by all the kids. PIck a universal punishment that will fit the crime, not a different one for each kid. Try that for a while and see how it works.
Best of luck!
Thanks for the Advice
Thanks for the advice. My bs lives with us as well and only goes to his bd's every other weekend. So it does seem like he is doing it partially because he is around my bs more than my skids. Plus he says that my bs is the oldest and should have more responsibility and should act better. Our boys are only 17 months apart. To me that is not a huge gap in age. Plus my bs doctor thinks he might have adhd. We'll find out about that in Jan. What my dh doesn't realize is that my bs didn't have any other kids around 3 years ago and with all the commotion over last few years I think it has caused my bs some severe stress. We do have a set of same consequences for same behaviors but since my skids don't live with us and don' t go to school here my bs has some rules regarding behavior in school that they don't. But my dh does go overboard at times on behaviors that are the same with all our kids so I think we do need to sit down and discuss them.
Similar situation
I can relate to this. I find that my guy has a completely different set of rules for my son, than his kids. He once told me that mine is a spoiled brat. In fact, screamed it at me. My response was and yours are angels? He actually answered yes. My son is 14, his are 5 and 3. There is a huge difference in ages there. My ex and I were pretty well off. And he was an only child. We were very fortunate to be able to give him things. He's gotten good grades is in band and orchestra, and is basically a home body. He doesn't mouth off (much, he is 14 it happens) but there isn't a disrespect I see in other kids his age. I'm very thankful that I don't have problems with him. Now, on the other hand are satans offspring. I love them dearly, but want to rip their mouths and limbs from them quite frequently. If my son at their ages pulled the things that they have he would have had the fear of God put in him. Its mouthing back, constantly, hitting, jumping on furniture, ripping pages from books, destroying other things. I've had my bathroom flooded, sewer lines blocked, things broken, destroyed, etc. I realize kids are kids and things happen, but gheez, it never ends. Its like an instant tornado when they are here... Getting sidetracked, sorry. Anyhow, we were recently at a party and my current boyfriend made a very uncalledfor remark about lotion and my 14 year old son...Use your imaginations... I couldn't believe it. He was shot a look of disbelief, and later in private was given an ass chewing. I would never embarass his kids like that.
He expects love and respect from me to his kids, but not the other way around. He is quick to point out wrongdoing, but rarely ever compliments him. I don't see it ever being equal. So I've learned to stand my ground. Sometimes I feel there is a jealousy issue. My son's grades come very easy for him. Where it wasn't that way for him. He also had very strict parents and wants to apply that to my son. But he doesn't apply it to his own children. Its not fair.
I'm going to lose it real soon.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing this bs. This weekend my dh's kids were over and mine went to his bd's. Usually we have all the kids at the same time but holiday stuff has changed the norm. I witnessed first hand how patient and understanding he is with ss. My ss is a little manipulative brat. He trips my bd who is 1, trips my sd who is 3, cries when he doesn't want to do something and pretty much does the same exact things my son does. Yet all he got was several warnings and a few timeouts on the stairs. My bs gets home from bd's and my dh is a total jerk to him the very next day. The last straw was last night my bs was told to go clean his room. This is after it took several times telling him to do his other chore that he finally got the other chore done. Bs was whining all the way up the stairs about cleaning his room so dh grabs him by the arm and throws him in his room. He then yells at him to clean his room and walks out. I went up their and told dh that he is not to touch my son again. I was nice and calm about it. I told him that I wouldn't do that to his children. If he respected me he would do what I ask and not touch my son. He slammed our bedroom door in my face. I told him that if he can't stop touching my son I'm going to have to leave. I don't know what to do. We've only been married for a year and I'm allready regreting that I married him. We've allready been to marriage counseling. I don't know what to do.