What to do with my mother when I remarry
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Hi, I currently live with my son -24- and my mum who is 82 in our family home - my son and I moved back in when my Dad died.
I have met a wonderful man who wants to marry me... he brings with him 3 grown up children including a son who still lives at home with him. They live 45 minutes away in a rented house.
If my man and his son come to live here - the house is big enough - how do I expect my mum to deal with it? She is in quite good health but suffers with anxiety - but won’t get help for it, typical!
Its a bit of a quandary, I never expected to find someone at my age - 53- but I’m so happy, and don’t want anything to go wrong!
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What do you mean by the family home?
Is that her home? You ask her nicely if they can move in, if she says no, you figure it out. If they do move in, you tell him his sone has to behave.
I dont think this is workable.
It's her house.
It's her house. You moved in with her. She decides who lives there. If she agrees then they can move in but they better watch their manners because she can sell the house and you all are looking for another place. She may enjoy you caring for her now but when you are absorbed with a new husband and stepchild a nice retirement villa may become more and more appealing.
First off, your adult son and
First off, your adult son and his adult son need to move out, it’s time. Then maybe mom will be fine with you and the new man living there with her, assuming you pull your weight and care for her as needed. My mom is 85 and healthy as a horse, so yours could have 10 plus years.
Same my dad is 82 and healthy
but we always wanted to send our kids to school in my country as better quality of education than Hubbys country and they have access to govt loans etc. My dad’s home is massive and he loves on his own, i have always cared for dad and helped out financially at family home so my dad has stated he wanted to gift it to me to keep in our family.
Where my childhood home is, is one of the better suburbs for schools so it was no question for dad about moving home with him while i finish my uni studies and my 2 kids go to school etc but that generosity stops with my skids.
They are failure to launch, disrespectful, do not respect privacy and boundaries and have not acknowledged us and tell their dad we are strangers etc so why should they be given a privilege to access to my family home.
some families are just like this and very close but this tends to be more in asian and maybe Mediterranean countries like italy and greece..
in my case my dad doesn’t like skids, they have so many issues and always give the vibe they don’t want you there so why should he be made to not feel welcome in his own home
Look i know in asian cultures especially there is respect
For elderly parents and often adult kids take their parents in to live with them etc.
but it seems op has done nothing about trying to get herself back on her feet.
it seems you haven’t even discussed with your mum about remarrying and having this man and 3 kids move in
so unless future ss is the most respectful well mannered person in the world who helps out at home and isn’t a recluse, you shouldn’t even be assuming or considering to have your mum put up with all this.
is you 24 yr old working towards independence at all? Because he is still living at home with you
few years ago one of my husbands distant cousins married a woman whom he moved into his mums home where they shared their bedroom with the elderly mother
huh?? My sil had to repeat that a few times for me. It was so wrong a newly married couple moving into the husbands childhood home so small they are sleeping in his mums room with her.... so much mood for intimacy and baby making hey??
And adult son should be on his own
SO wanting to move in with his son is a big red flag in your relationship. This man may have the Disney dad problem.
Op also has a 24 yr old living at home
So unless he is fulltime university and working towards a deposit for a home and mum and grandma are helping giving him a headstart, this kid could also be seen as coddled
You could always move out of
You could always move out of the family home into a new place.
My son and i moved in with my
My son and i moved in with my mother because didn’t want to be by herself - it served a few purposes and for 10 years it has worked very well.
Why is your son still living
Why is your son still living with you at 24? Same for your BF’s son. How old is he and why is he still living with his father?
I don’t think it’s fair at all to subject your mother to two more people in her house at her age. If you want to make it work that you & your BF live together after you marry, then it’s time to cut the apron strings for both your boys. They can get their own places instead of putting the entire burden on your mother, especially if she suffers with anxiety.
I think that the bottom line
I think that the bottom line is that it's your mother's home so ultimately her decision. Personally, I think it would be unfair to subject her to your new DH and adult kids moving in. It would be an "invasion".
If she is still of sound mind, you might want to just pose the question to her. Mom, I've met a man that i would like to spend the rest of my life with.. but I am concerned about living arrangements. I worry that if there moved in here that it might be too much for you.. but I also have concerns that if we move out, you might not get all the help you need. What do you think mom?
What actually sounds like a good solution from my perspective is that you and your new BF rent/buy a home close to your mother. You move out.. and you and he can build your life in a new to both of you home. You remain close to your mom so you can be support.
I also do agree with most folks on here saying that all these "adult" kids need to get on out on their own.
It sounds like your situation with mom was symbiotic to an extent. You got a good financial deal as it sounds like you may not have had to pay much/anything towards the house.. like rent etc.. BUT.. you provided your mom with help around the house.. and companionship.. and when it was just you and her grandchild.. that may have been a fair enough ratio in her eyes.. moving several strangers in? NO.. that makes the deal markedly shiftend in your favor. I might be concerned that your SO is thinking this is a sweet deal to get out of paying rent... have more money for fun stuff instead.
This does not sound fair to
This does not sound fair to your mom af all. Moving a bunch of people she doesn’t know into her home at her age? No. Just no.
How old is your SOs son's age
How old is your SOs son's age? And is your son in college or planning to move out?
So, if yoiur mother is in
So, if yoiur mother is in good health, do I understand it that she doesn't really need anyone to help her and that you and your son are living there rent-free?
I'd be looking for ways of getting her out and about to meet new people rather than encouraging her to stay at home. I'd also be looking for a new home nearby for you and your FH. If both sons persist in staying with their parents I'd expect both of them to be paying 1/4 of the rent.
You say that the current situation has worked well for 10 years, but has it really? Does your mother have other friends? Does she leave the house at all? How has it benefited her beyond having her daughter on-site to talk to? Being there for her might just have boxed her in...
In any case, if she suffers from anxiety, she is not going to handle having two men she doesn't know well in her home. I can see that being an immense source of stress and anxiety for her. Don't d it.