Hell NO. I wouldn't hold back anymore. Stepparents aren't even blood related to these kids yet we put up with all the BS & then we have to put up with the BS the BM & our DH's throw at us? If there is any time to be honest about how ill behaved their children are it's in these very moments. I NEVER burden my DH with my bio kid because honestly, she doesn't give us any problems. So there it goes. You DH & BM sucked at parenting & sucked even bigger after the divorce. In no way is DH allowed to suck at parenting this child that lives in my house. End of story. He gets the full 10 o'clock news report. If he doesn't like it, change it. If DH wants skid to live here, he has to change him. If SS wants to live here, he has to change himself. It's full on 100% truth & I wish I did this when skid was younger---would've have been less to deal with once they hit teenhood.

I am. I think they have wonderful manners, they take being corrected on them extremely well and learn fast in that regard (they desperately want to please it's from BM's neglect). They always want to help with chores or in the yard or cooking. However they are always up someones ass it drives us (SO included) nuts. They have no idea how to play alone (they are 13 months apart) so when one is in trouble the other has to constantly be told to go find something to do, go color, go play for serious child it's why you have toys! His son is stupid, I'd use another word but it's offensive to some, he is slow, stunted but also smart he can learn most things well but somethings important things don't stick. Like what he sees on tv isn't real we've talked about it, explained acting heck my dd sat and colored a cartoon by hand showed him how to take pictures and turned it into an animated short (I was floored she could do that btw lol) he still didn't get it for long. His lack of common sense is scarey I base him off all the kids I've babysat, helped raised, my own kids and the special kids I've worked with. He's a concern and his behavior at school bad enough they called the cops mid year for a kindergartener who refused to behave.
He's smart though to he picks up on math and reading fast partly because we read a lot here, his sister read to him a ton and read with him since she was working on a goal of 500 min read on her own.
She I'm not yet worried about yet (BM over sexualizing and ignoring her is my concern) she learned to read fast she's already 2 grade levels above (reminds me of my kids!) she is great with her reading comprehension math skills, writing etc, and seems to have common sense. Yet she is bossy as hell to her brother, her mouth is going to bite her in the ass. SO handles that well (usually she isn't allowed to speak without raising her hand when she's mouthy in trouble at school for talking or being bossy (she's 7) I've done the same to my ds 11 it works.
SO knows this, and if I have to say something negative about the kids I always start with something positive first then the negative then the "but since insert good thing here", I think we can fix "insert problem" and give a few solutions. It works well my very first boss taught me that.

I can't say anything, not even the slightest thing and he freaks out in defense.Always.That is why I probably leave that rs in the end.Because he allows his stupid kid to be a perfect princess and everyone else is not allowed to even say a word if something is obviously wrong.I am over it

We had ss19 (almost 20 now) living with us when he was 17 and in his senior year. Well I kept my mouth shut for way too long. We finally had a big fall out when ss threatened me and I kicked him out right in front of DH. I said either he leaves or you both leave but I am paying for this house so OUT. Ss was 18 by then and non of his friends would take him in so he had to live in a tent behind someone's barn, they didn't even want him in their barn that's how many disliked this kid and he was in my house :sick:

Just the other day dh blamed me for making ss live in a tent for a couple months.

So me finally opening my mouth did rock my marriage to the core and still is, but ss19 is not living here anymore.

Just the other day when I bought a ticket for my bs17 to come home from college (he's a neat freak, well behaved and getting a career mind you) and DH said that when he turns 18 he can borrow his tent. Yup there's some resentment in DH and it's not easy but I know bs will be in college and then get a job and his own place, he's much smarter then ss19. Of course dh thinks the sun rises and sets on his little football stars, but I tried to say once that football doesn't pay the bills and dh nearly game unglued.

Is there any way you can endure and disengage until they're 18? Just let the house go to pot and not worry until they're all moved out? There is one room in my house right now that is absolutely sickeningly disgusting (already b/c we just moved into this place last week) and I just close the door and know that once ss16 moves out that room will get blasted clean and remodeled and sterilized and then used for the dog or something. lol

Uh-yea.. you have every right to speak up - however there will be consequences..

My SK'd are pretty much a combination of every undesirable charastic you can imagine.

For the longest time DH was in la la land about it.. and enabled them with the whole "they witnessed a nasty divorce" blah blah blah crap..

DH and I had our battles early on about how awful these kids were.. nasty ones where we didn't talk for days.. all because I wanted him to get a handle on these kids who make every day a drama filled battle.

Finally, after 2 years of him being in denial he gets it.. why? Because I was honest and stood my ground from day one.

If they talked back, I would say to DH "why are you letting him talk back to you?" - if they argued about something I would say "don't argue with them - stand your ground and end the conversation" (the sk's are great at trying to suck you into a verbal spar) - if they yelled at DH or I or talked to us in a shitty tone I would say "don't talk to DH/me like that".. if they ignored his requests to get off the video games I'd say "you have told him twice.. how many times more are you going to?"

I guess my tactic was point it out and suggest the next move - make him think - instead of jumping in and taking over because you know what needs to be done.. which I did in the beginning and that DID NOT WORK.

DH would get defensive when I would "go after his kids".. well, shit.. they just told you no, yelled at you, called your read on the situation stupid, threw down the remote, stomped out of the room and slammed a door and all a while arguing with you and yelling.. and I am supposed to just sit here and allow it to play out?? Hell yea, I went after them.. with the full intent of handing them their asses and scaring the shit out of them so they wouldn't even think of behaving that way again.. DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE.. it only caused fights.. I can do this now because DH and I are on the same page and he knows I am not out to get his kids..

As women and as moms we want to parent.. to make these kids act right because it is stressful and embarassing when the kids we are "raising" act like asshats.. That's our curse.. lol

Sometimes I feel like I have to be honest about them because I can see that they are not so bad and that he really wouldn't have to change THAT much to make them good kids. But he does compete a lot with my kids and so, whenever I do try to help him out with his kids, he fires some stupid criticism of mine back at me. Mine are generally good kids. One is autistic and sometimes he even tries to compare SS6's behaviour with my autistic son's. !! No comparison. Even my autistic son on his worst day doesn't talk to me like either of his kids speak to him on a normal day!

But….I am starting to wonder if I shoot myself in the foot by helping him to raise them. He blames BM for all their behaviour. Basically, the more I tell him he might like to to try A or B to improve his kids' behavior, the more he tells me it just makes him see how badly BM is getting it wrong and makes him feel guilty. In the end that makes him continue with really poor boundaries with BM (he is still the man of the household and they have been divorced 5 years). I figure if i tell him what great job he and BM are doing, he might stop feeling so guilty and might just stop feeling the need to hang out of BM's back pocket trying to keep his kids on the straight and narrowMaybe on some level our DHs are so involved with their kids and guilt-ridden and always Disney-fathering to fix everything because we keep pointing out how shit their kids are! LOL.

Anyone tried the other approach?…."you're doing a really good job! Your kids are wonderful! BM is a really great Mom! Now can we please get on with US now? Can you please start Disneyhusbanding me, please!"

x

When DH and I first moved in together, his skids took it a little hard. There was an adjustment period where they were clearly pushing limits and testing boundaries. They were awful to deal with .. and also very young.

I told DH very bluntly .. he had to support me as an adult and an authority figure in my home. If he did not, he was free to take his kids and leave.

There was a very short period where the guilty dad surfaced, and he would coddle and be manipulated by them. I pulled away completely and told him that he would have to parent his children on his own; that I would not be a doormat in my own home, especially to two CHILDREN. I stopped picking them up from day care. I stopped watching them or interacting with them when he wasn't home. I cooked what I wanted, when I wanted. I came and went as I pleased. He got the point .. and we've had zero issues of that type since.